Paranoid Insecurity

Last Saturday, THE BOYFRIEND and I went on a date.  You know, a movie and then the Tavern.  The date itself isn't really the subject of this post.  Rather something he said to me and our friends at The Tavern that has been bugging me since.  To cut to the chase, THE BOYFRIEND basically said that he would go to a strip club but he wouldn't tell me he did.  Yeah, he actually omitted to me that he would LIE to me.  When he said that, I got really, really angry.  And I think that I have an extremely good case why I was (and am) angry.  Never mind that I'm paranoid that he would hurt me by going.  Which, by the way, I am hurt that he would go to see another woman naked.  Wanting to see one is one thing, actually doing it is a completely different thing.  To me it is a betrayal, borderline cheating.  Those things hurt.  A lot.

The real thing that is bugging me came later.

He took my hands after it was extremely evident that I was angry at him.  He told me to look at him, to look at his eyes as he talked to me.  I wouldn't and he continued to stare at me until I looked at him.

"Do you think that I would hurt you if I went to a strip club?"
I whipped my head around and told him, in no uncertain terms,
"Yes."
"You know that I love you."
"I thought you did." then turned my head back to the front.
"No, you know that I do love you, now.  And I would do nothing to hurt you and this relationship we have spent the past year building.  And if I do hurt you, I would do everything I possibly could to make it up to you.  I'm not one of these other shitheads that you dated in the past.  I'm not going to hurt you."

Flustered, I went to the bathroom then, to get away from him and the situation.  I ended up just staring at myself in the mirror for a good 5 minutes while I thought about what he said.  As I came out of the bathroom, he was standing there waiting for me.  He tried to explain why guys like strip clubs.  Something like Disney world for straight men.  Whatever.  The fact that he would go to look at naked women that weren't me, and then NOT tell me he did is quite fucked up. 

He called me "insensible" because I was angry still angry when I got back from the bathroom. 

"You're being insensible.  But not crazy."
"Because calling a woman crazy is just going to set her off even more."

Straight men apparently want to see every woman naked.  Who the fuck knew that?  I mean, the mysteries of the universe is solved by that statement.  Of course every straight man wants to see every woman naked.  I'm not denying that.  It's the fact that you actually did while dating me, or whoever your girlfriend is at the moment.  The only woman that you should see naked is her.  Because then you are thinking about fucking them, at least in my mind that is what you are doing.  And no matter what you say to me to the contrary, that is what will plague my mind, that you are thinking about fucking another woman that isn't me.  And that hits me hard where my insecurities live.  Thinking "Am I not good enough for you?", or "What did I do wrong?" is never a good thing.  Brings up past things that should stay left behind in the dust.

I told him that he really didn't understand me.  And I told him that it wasn't so much that I thought he would hurt me (which obviously isn't completely true),

"It's that you openly admitted that you would lie to me.  And I will not stand for lying.  At all."
"It's not lying.  It's omitting certain details.  Like hiding a present in your underwear drawer."
"That is not 'omitting certain details'.  That is hiding something to give to you later.  'Omitting certain details' is lying."

We got interrupted by a friend around then, and we never got around to the discussion again.  I told him on our way home,

"You've made your case, and I've made mine.  I need to mull it over in my head a bit."

He just smiled at me as if he's won something, which he hasn't.  And I need to talk to him about it.  There just isn't a good time to talk to him about it.  I'm either at work, or he's just came off a shitty shift or about to leave for work, and I don't want to put that on him.

But I still cannot come to terms with it.  I cannot come to terms with any of it.  Neither the lying nor the actually seeing another woman naked.  No matter how much I try to rationalize it with "he wouldn't do anything to hurt me", I'm still hurt.

FUCK!  I'm so insecure.  SOOOOO, so, so, so, so insecure.  Always have been.  And if I say anything different, then know that I'm lying to make myself think it.  Unlike the title of this blog, I can't choose what stays and what fades away. 

I love him, I love him, I LOVE him.  He is the best friend I could ever have in this world.  He's on my side.  He thinks I'm beautiful, smart and funny.  He likes my nerdy, dorky self.  He's told me time and time again that he has eyes for no one but me.  He puts up with my paranoid insecurities and my crazy hormonal emotions.  And soooooo much more. 

So, why can't I forgive him?  Why can't I let it go?  It's a little things that I really need to let go of. 

“Let the little things go. People who struggle often fight over little things. We obsess over things that don’t really matter. We create resistance instead of letting things glide off us. Let the little things go, breathe, and move on to the important things.” – Leo Baubauta.