Life is getting in the way

There are so many things to fit into this post.  My grandma is dying.  THE BOYFRIEND and I are moving in together at the end of the lease; just the two of us.  THE BOYFRIEND was incredibly sick AGAIN; just like last June.  I am studying for my Net+ exam next MONDAY and I'm not doing so well.

All this has made for a very exhausted me.  I wish that all of this wasn't happening at the same time.  That I could have just one change in my life at a time.

THE BOYFRIEND is being incredibly supportive all this time.  Seeing how he is dealing with me being a mess just solidifies how much I love him, how much I need him and need to be with him.  When I found out that my grandmother was dying, I was basically on my way to the ER for the 2nd time with him, he was in severe abdominal pain.  I'm crying my eyes out, it's night, and I'm driving.  Isn't the best of circumstances.  He reaches over and just pats me on the back and says,

"Can you still drive?"
"Yes, I can drive.  I can drive and cry at the same time!"

Don't fault the guy just yet.  I said he was supportive of me and he is wonderfully so.  He was in pain and nauseous.  I couldn't and shouldn't expect much.

By Friday he was feeling better, (we still ended up in the ER again on Sat, but that shouldn't count all the much.  That was his parents trying to get answers.) I asked him if he would come down to Clearwater for the service if it was on a weekend.  He said,

"Of course.  It's the least I can do."

I haven't cried too much in front of him, but I've gotten teary eyed.  And still he's there to hold me.

As for our moving in together, the house that I lived in right before moving in with him may or may not be available by the time the lease is up in May.  And, yes, I am scared about this.  THE BOYFRIEND wants to move in there.  He wants to have a separate space for the both of us.  He says that we are "on top of each other" as we are now.  Yeah, our room is crowded.  But I wouldn't say on top of each other.  I don't want us to loose what we have now.  He says we wont.  But all I can think about is it happening.  That we just drift apart because ... having more space is going to do that to a couple.  Well, it might or it might not.  I've told him about my fear.  I've expressed myself and he has tried to soothe it.  He told me that he doesn't think that it's going to happen, that we aren't going to end up hating each other and/or drifting apart.  I wish that I could be so certain.

Does this mean that I don't have faith in "us"?  That deep down I can't see a future with him?  I know that I am always afraid of the next step with him.  But it turns out to be okay, not as bad as I fear, wonderful even.

I hope I can get over my trepidation at this next step; that it's not going to be my worst fears come true. 

Face time

This week I'm continuing my IT education in hopes for a better job.  Night class, after my shift at CEC.  Which means that THE BOYFRIEND and I will not have ANY face time together for three days. 

Three days without seeing him.  Three days without seeing the only thing that is getting me by nowadays.  This is gonna be hard.  But it'll go really quickly, luckily. 

Plus, THE BOYFRIEND's bff is here for her job; going to be here about a week.  I was a teensy bit paranoid at first.  I mean, she happens to be here the same week that I have my night class, she will be seeing him more this week than I am.  But then I thought about how I get to see him all the time, about how I live with him, and how much I need to learn to trust him when he tells me that there is no way she is gonna take him away from me.  Trust.  That's one thing a relationship needs to have.  One large, almost all-emcompassing thing.  And I know that, despite being screwed heavily in the past by many relationships, I have to learn how to trust sometime.  Now is that time.  It has to be.

So, I trust him.  Now what?  Where do we go from here?  I wanna build a life with him.  I feel, no, I know, that he is the one that I want to settle down with me.  We aren't exactly alike.  But we are so perfect together in all the right ways.  He just completes me.  But I have no idea if he feels that way towards me.  Or maybe I'm just gonna be the perfect one, until I move away to a place he doesn't want to move to, and we break-up.  Because that is what it sounds like to me.  Is that what a perfect relationship is?  Being together only because we are in the same place at the same time? 

I didn't think so.  Call me a hopeless romantic but I don't want to waste my time building a relationship here and now, when there might not be a future.  I am building this relationship for the future. 

Serious chats need to happen.

Sooooooooooooo, yeah, this is different

THE BOYFRIEND and I went out Friday night to The Tavern, as usual.  We were hanging out there with friends, having a grand ol' time, when it happened.  I was standing up at the end of the table, THE BOYFRIEND  and a friend were chatting and watching my terrible dancing to

   

They whispered something to each other.  I, of course, knew that it was something about me.  Probably something like "She's so cute" or akin to that.  I asked what they were talking about, and all I got a "nothing" in reply.  Later I find out what was said.  

"Lizi says I should marry you."

"Oh, I don't need you to marry me.  I just want you to stay with me."

And that was that.  No more talk of it between THE BOYFRIEND and me since.  Last night, at a NYE party.  I asked Lizi if she actually said that to him.

"Yes, I did say he should marry you.  And he said he was going to marry you."

WHAT WHAT WHAT?!   My head is spinning now, with this new information.  I'm most certainly not ready to be married.  And I most certainly don't really want to get married.  I think about it, yeah.  I'm a hopeless, hopeless romantic who dreams of falling in love with the right person and getting to spend the rest of our lives together.  But realistically I don't need a piece of paper saying that.  And to me, and him, that is all that marriage is.  To others, maybe not.  But to us, yeah.  And I do like planning a wedding, with all the flowers and dresses, and other pretty stuff to look at.  Wearing a gorgeous dress, and getting all trussed up and ruffled out.  But that is too much work and stress to deal with. 

Now, he could be talking about common law marriage to me, just for being together a really long time.  That I can believe and understand.  Plus, I can't really avoid it all that much. 

I asked THE BOYFRIEND to come to my family Christmas this year, 2013.  He said he would and even has put in the time off request for it already.  I hope it goes well.  I mean, my family isn't completely unlike his.  Except for the drinking and the weed smoking, they are pretty damn similar.   Plus, I hope we have time to hang out with my best friend back home, finally get a chance to meet and all that jazz.

All in all, I'm kinda lookin' forward to this year comin' up.  No idea what it will hold for me.  But if it's anything like this past year, it's going to be wonderful!