Talking to my friend today made me realize that, while I am happy about this new development, I don't know what this means for me.
Am I just supposed to go about my life like I have been before or is my life gonna completely change? How am I supposed to react now? Should I just act normally, or could I talk to him about it, about the possibility of marriage to him, about what I want as a ceremony? Should I wait for him to actually make the commitment? Not that he hasn't already, just not formally.
I know I want him to say it to me sober, to tell me what he said to me Friday night. I know that he said he was serious about it. But he didn't say the actual words "I want to make you my own" sober. I trust him and I trust that he doesn't lie at all. However, I think that I would be happier about the idea of being married to him, that we are actually meant to be together forever, that I wouldn't be ... uncertain about our future, if I actually heard the words from him.
Although, everything being said, I am still pretty damn happy.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Saturday, April 6, 2013
About last night
HUGE new development with THE BOYFRIEND and I. Yeah, he said it. He actually said that he wanted to marry me.
Yesterday, he got word from the county that they wanted an interview with him next week for the PIO position he applied for (and desperately hopes he gets). YAY!!!! So, after my latest class ended, I hurried home to celebrate with him. He wasn't there. Getting frustrated, because he said he would be at home, I went out to The Tavern to see if he was there.
He wasn't.
So, I went next door to the taco shop to see our friend, Lizi, to see if she knew where he was; and she did. I tracked him down at Rhett's piano bar, all the while getting angrier and angrier at him. Probably for no good reason, either. But I did.
I found him completely drunk (he was starting The Lean) and chatting up an older man at the bar. After an angry (on my end) chat with him at the bar, I got him outside, my anger getting smaller and smaller every minute because I knew I had no case to be angry. Outside, he told me what has been going on in his head for some time now.
It was also brought up that he wants to make sure he can "take care of me."
After we got home, we took a shower together, almost had sex in the shower; he was very handsy in the shower. Got back to the room, had sex; I came, he fell asleep on top of me before he finished. Yeah, he was that drunk. Kinda cute.
This morning, while I was at work, I asked him if he remembered our conversation last night. He said he did.
Yesterday, he got word from the county that they wanted an interview with him next week for the PIO position he applied for (and desperately hopes he gets). YAY!!!! So, after my latest class ended, I hurried home to celebrate with him. He wasn't there. Getting frustrated, because he said he would be at home, I went out to The Tavern to see if he was there.
He wasn't.
So, I went next door to the taco shop to see our friend, Lizi, to see if she knew where he was; and she did. I tracked him down at Rhett's piano bar, all the while getting angrier and angrier at him. Probably for no good reason, either. But I did.
I found him completely drunk (he was starting The Lean) and chatting up an older man at the bar. After an angry (on my end) chat with him at the bar, I got him outside, my anger getting smaller and smaller every minute because I knew I had no case to be angry. Outside, he told me what has been going on in his head for some time now.
"I know that I love you, and that you love me. And I want to be with you forever. I want to be with you until I die. But, I don't want to actually say the words until we've been together for 2 years. Do you want to be with me forever?"We decided to go home. Well, I decided that I wanted to go home and he came with me because that would make me happy, and he "just wants to make me happy." On our way home, we talked more about it, making plans and the like. No diamond; way too overrated. Small wedding, with just our family and a few friends.
"Yes, of course I do. You know I do."
"Joan, I want to marry you. I want you to be my wife. But I also want to be sure. I was talking with Zach and Lizi about it, literally right before I came here, and Zach said to make sure that I don't lose my self. And I don't want to lose my self."
"I don't want you to lose yourself either."
"I want to marry you, Joan. I want to wait, but it's not going to be a complete surprise, either. I mean, we gotta get a ring sized and everything."
It was also brought up that he wants to make sure he can "take care of me."
"It's a pride thing. You can't possibly understand that."So, yeah. He wants to marry me. And, I hope that we can make it work before then. That we will last until he actually makes it official. We need to be living in our own place before then. He needs a job; I need a better job.
"No, I probably can't understand it.""Which is why I want this job with the county so bad, because then I know I can take care of you."
After we got home, we took a shower together, almost had sex in the shower; he was very handsy in the shower. Got back to the room, had sex; I came, he fell asleep on top of me before he finished. Yeah, he was that drunk. Kinda cute.
This morning, while I was at work, I asked him if he remembered our conversation last night. He said he did.
"Were you serious?"So, it's settled. He's serious, and I'm serious. It's gonna happen.
"Yeah, I don't lie when I'm drunk."
"Good."
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