Talking to my friend today made me realize that, while I am happy about this new development, I don't know what this means for me.
Am I just supposed to go about my life like I have been before or is my life gonna completely change? How am I supposed to react now? Should I just act normally, or could I talk to him about it, about the possibility of marriage to him, about what I want as a ceremony? Should I wait for him to actually make the commitment? Not that he hasn't already, just not formally.
I know I want him to say it to me sober, to tell me what he said to me Friday night. I know that he said he was serious about it. But he didn't say the actual words "I want to make you my own" sober. I trust him and I trust that he doesn't lie at all. However, I think that I would be happier about the idea of being married to him, that we are actually meant to be together forever, that I wouldn't be ... uncertain about our future, if I actually heard the words from him.
Although, everything being said, I am still pretty damn happy.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Saturday, April 6, 2013
About last night
HUGE new development with THE BOYFRIEND and I. Yeah, he said it. He actually said that he wanted to marry me.
Yesterday, he got word from the county that they wanted an interview with him next week for the PIO position he applied for (and desperately hopes he gets). YAY!!!! So, after my latest class ended, I hurried home to celebrate with him. He wasn't there. Getting frustrated, because he said he would be at home, I went out to The Tavern to see if he was there.
He wasn't.
So, I went next door to the taco shop to see our friend, Lizi, to see if she knew where he was; and she did. I tracked him down at Rhett's piano bar, all the while getting angrier and angrier at him. Probably for no good reason, either. But I did.
I found him completely drunk (he was starting The Lean) and chatting up an older man at the bar. After an angry (on my end) chat with him at the bar, I got him outside, my anger getting smaller and smaller every minute because I knew I had no case to be angry. Outside, he told me what has been going on in his head for some time now.
It was also brought up that he wants to make sure he can "take care of me."
After we got home, we took a shower together, almost had sex in the shower; he was very handsy in the shower. Got back to the room, had sex; I came, he fell asleep on top of me before he finished. Yeah, he was that drunk. Kinda cute.
This morning, while I was at work, I asked him if he remembered our conversation last night. He said he did.
Yesterday, he got word from the county that they wanted an interview with him next week for the PIO position he applied for (and desperately hopes he gets). YAY!!!! So, after my latest class ended, I hurried home to celebrate with him. He wasn't there. Getting frustrated, because he said he would be at home, I went out to The Tavern to see if he was there.
He wasn't.
So, I went next door to the taco shop to see our friend, Lizi, to see if she knew where he was; and she did. I tracked him down at Rhett's piano bar, all the while getting angrier and angrier at him. Probably for no good reason, either. But I did.
I found him completely drunk (he was starting The Lean) and chatting up an older man at the bar. After an angry (on my end) chat with him at the bar, I got him outside, my anger getting smaller and smaller every minute because I knew I had no case to be angry. Outside, he told me what has been going on in his head for some time now.
"I know that I love you, and that you love me. And I want to be with you forever. I want to be with you until I die. But, I don't want to actually say the words until we've been together for 2 years. Do you want to be with me forever?"We decided to go home. Well, I decided that I wanted to go home and he came with me because that would make me happy, and he "just wants to make me happy." On our way home, we talked more about it, making plans and the like. No diamond; way too overrated. Small wedding, with just our family and a few friends.
"Yes, of course I do. You know I do."
"Joan, I want to marry you. I want you to be my wife. But I also want to be sure. I was talking with Zach and Lizi about it, literally right before I came here, and Zach said to make sure that I don't lose my self. And I don't want to lose my self."
"I don't want you to lose yourself either."
"I want to marry you, Joan. I want to wait, but it's not going to be a complete surprise, either. I mean, we gotta get a ring sized and everything."
It was also brought up that he wants to make sure he can "take care of me."
"It's a pride thing. You can't possibly understand that."So, yeah. He wants to marry me. And, I hope that we can make it work before then. That we will last until he actually makes it official. We need to be living in our own place before then. He needs a job; I need a better job.
"No, I probably can't understand it.""Which is why I want this job with the county so bad, because then I know I can take care of you."
After we got home, we took a shower together, almost had sex in the shower; he was very handsy in the shower. Got back to the room, had sex; I came, he fell asleep on top of me before he finished. Yeah, he was that drunk. Kinda cute.
This morning, while I was at work, I asked him if he remembered our conversation last night. He said he did.
"Were you serious?"So, it's settled. He's serious, and I'm serious. It's gonna happen.
"Yeah, I don't lie when I'm drunk."
"Good."
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Unemployment
THE BOYFRIEND and I are dealing with unemployment again. No, not mine again. This time it is his. They called him and told him they needed him to come in and cover a dayside shift. Which is totally weird. So, he went in to the office at 9:00 a.m., they called him in to the ND's office and fired him. They evoked Section 6 of his contract and let him go.
He asked me not to freak out about this. And, I'll admit that I am slightly freaking out, but I'm not going to show it to him. We are both aware that I depend on him for a lot of things. And now, everything is hanging in the thin air, surrounded by chaos.
He is trying to stay in the area, to stay with me. We talked about it now and no matter what we are going to stay together. Now, to just figure out what to do next, and how to make it work.
One step at a time.
He has applied to several places now, and we both hope that a few of them work out. He wants to be public information officer for the county, but I'm not honestly sure he'll get hired because, well, because he doesn't look the part. He's short, and doesn't really carry himself like a PIO. He's needs tailored clothes, and nice shoes. He's got to be on TV as a PIO. And as of right now, he doesn't carry himself with authority. But I love him. Immensely. And I will stand by him. I will move with him wherever he goes.
He asked me not to freak out about this. And, I'll admit that I am slightly freaking out, but I'm not going to show it to him. We are both aware that I depend on him for a lot of things. And now, everything is hanging in the thin air, surrounded by chaos.
He is trying to stay in the area, to stay with me. We talked about it now and no matter what we are going to stay together. Now, to just figure out what to do next, and how to make it work.
One step at a time.
He has applied to several places now, and we both hope that a few of them work out. He wants to be public information officer for the county, but I'm not honestly sure he'll get hired because, well, because he doesn't look the part. He's short, and doesn't really carry himself like a PIO. He's needs tailored clothes, and nice shoes. He's got to be on TV as a PIO. And as of right now, he doesn't carry himself with authority. But I love him. Immensely. And I will stand by him. I will move with him wherever he goes.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Crankiness
I'm cranky. I'm really cranky today. And all because I haven't gotten enough attention from THE BOYFRIEND lately that I really, really want. Two weeks of caring for him. Two weeks of trying to get him better. Two weeks of putting him before myself. I want attention dammit. And I'm cranky.
Irrational? I have no idea. I just know that I want attention. And I want to go out with him tonight. But I'm waaaayyyy too exhausted to be any fun. Or whatever.
Life sucks. Being an adult sucks.
Irrational? I have no idea. I just know that I want attention. And I want to go out with him tonight. But I'm waaaayyyy too exhausted to be any fun. Or whatever.
Life sucks. Being an adult sucks.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Btw, about THE BOYFRIEND
So, THE BOYFRIEND is coming back home tomorrow. And I seriously want to just maul him once we get home. Just suck his face right off and just go to fucking town. Because I'm really in need of sex. Maybe this is post-New Girl kiss, I just really just need to be fucked really, really well. Either way, it needs to happen. It needs to happen, like, yesterday. And I swear to god if he says no, I'm going to be extremely angry. Extremely angry.
I wanna be kissed!!
I don't know if you watch New Girl or not, but OMG I have to talk about the kiss for just a minute.
It's been a few weeks since the episode aired, but I wanna be kissed like this:
Absolutely and completely like that. It was hot and I still get all hot and bothered by it. We're not talking about THE BOYFRIEND and I for once. Although yes, it has been a while since I can remember being kissed like that by THE BOYFRIEND. That moment of first impact of lips on mine and being completely surprised by it. Being able to "see through space and time" and feeling like a woman.
I miss it.
It's been a few weeks since the episode aired, but I wanna be kissed like this:
Absolutely and completely like that. It was hot and I still get all hot and bothered by it. We're not talking about THE BOYFRIEND and I for once. Although yes, it has been a while since I can remember being kissed like that by THE BOYFRIEND. That moment of first impact of lips on mine and being completely surprised by it. Being able to "see through space and time" and feeling like a woman.
I miss it.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Sex, again.
THE BOYFRIEND is down in Fort Lauderdale now. Left early this morning. He's doing better now, though. Eating a little bit at a time, but still not sleeping much.
Last night, we had sex for the first time in a long time, even though he is still weak. Well, long for the two of us. He woke me up while I was sleeping and started caressing me and kissing me. I was not awake yet at all, so my part in all of this was drowsy and seemed like a dream. Still not sure if it was a dream or not. I remember once he was in me, I got very passionate and almost forceful. I gave him this very deep and passionate kiss that I got so drunk from. I can't remember if it was quick or not, but either way it still felt like I was made for him, and he was made for me. Afterwards, he told me he was sorry for waking me up. I just mumbled something at him and drifted off to sleep again.
I already miss him, and hope that he comes back to me soon, completely healed and well. I want to have proper sex with him again. When it lasts even after we are finished. When it aches for days afterwards. Most importantly, when both of us are awake and can remember it in it's entirety.
Last night, we had sex for the first time in a long time, even though he is still weak. Well, long for the two of us. He woke me up while I was sleeping and started caressing me and kissing me. I was not awake yet at all, so my part in all of this was drowsy and seemed like a dream. Still not sure if it was a dream or not. I remember once he was in me, I got very passionate and almost forceful. I gave him this very deep and passionate kiss that I got so drunk from. I can't remember if it was quick or not, but either way it still felt like I was made for him, and he was made for me. Afterwards, he told me he was sorry for waking me up. I just mumbled something at him and drifted off to sleep again.
I already miss him, and hope that he comes back to me soon, completely healed and well. I want to have proper sex with him again. When it lasts even after we are finished. When it aches for days afterwards. Most importantly, when both of us are awake and can remember it in it's entirety.
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