Big things are brewing

Something big has happened, I'm sure of it.  I don't know how I feel about it, but it has.  I'm not even sure what has come out of it.

Friday.  THE BOYFRIEND and I were supposed to go out and be together.  He was even going to go to bed early so that we would have more time together.  But did that happen?  No.  Instead, when I got over to his place and started to make something to eat at 5 p.m.  He was still awake.  Hadn't even occurred to him that the earlier he got to sleep the more time we would have Friday night.  I mean, he knew that I have to work on the weekends, that I have to be there at 8 a.m. to open the gameroom.  Or even if it did occur to him, he didn't act on it.  I let him sleep, which he did until 11:15ish p.m.  And I was kinda pissed off that he didn't even think about me, about what that means to me for our relationship.  And the thing is, he only woke up when I woke him up to tell him that friends of his that I met at a pub were downstairs and were looking for him.  Which pissed me off even more.  His friends wanted him to go out with them.  And I told him to go.  Which I was fine with.  I had to work in the a.m., he didn't.  He hadn't seen these girls in a long time, so go out, have fun, catch up.  However, as he was getting dressed to go out, I kinda broke down and told him how I felt about the situation.  That I am more in this relationship than he is.  My exact words were,

"I am more a part of your life, than you are in mine."  

 And it is true, I do feel that way.  Tears started welling up and everything.  It was pretty bad.  He came over and knelt in front of me.  He looked sad.   Like I was about to tell him that I wanted to break up.  He even told me,

"I feel like you are telling me that you want to leave."

 To which I responded,

"I'm not leaving.  I don't want to leave.  This isn't the end.  I'm not going to break up with you.  I'm just telling you all this because I want you to know what is going on with me.  What I'm feeling and thinking.  I love you.  I'm just feeling ... alone in this relationship."

There was more to the conversation, I just can't remember it.  I know that he told me that he was gonna come over at 6ish a.m. to wake me up and make me coffee before I have to go into work.  I went back to my place to sleep.  I left the back door open for him.  He actually came over about 3:30 a.m. and laid in bed with me until I had to wake up and get ready for work.  He made me coffee like he promised.  When I called him that afternoon at work, he said that we were going to do something fun that evening and that it was up to me.  Which, okay, I can dig.  All I wanted to do, really, was hang out with him, alone.



After I got off work, I got changed, grabbed by tv and bd player, so we can watch movies all night.  Quick sex with him, really quick, but great still.  And we ended up at my place to do his laundry.  We went to O'Malley's to have a beer and just hang out together.  While we were there, he asked me to move in with him in a couple months.  And, well, I said yes.  However, I was confused about why he asked me to move in with him.  Was it because he felt bad about the conversation we had?  Or did he truly want me to live with him at the house, completely, and not like the situation now?

After the one beer at O'Malley's, we went back to my place to finish the laundry.  We ended up having sex again.  As I'm on top of him, he told me something that I don't think I have ever heard him say to me:

"I am so in love with you."

Because, I was in the middle of an orgasm, I didn't respond until we were both finished and panting next to each other.  It was so great to hear those words from him, to hear that it's not just a friend love or hey, I love being with you.  It was "I am so in love with you; my life is so much better because you are in my life" kind of feeling.  And that is what it like for me, too.

"I am so in love with you.  You are so amazing.  I don't ever want to leave you."
"I'm not amazing."
"Yes, you are.  You really are."

We held each other close, our foreheads touching, and our love just emanating off ourselves to each other.  He told me at some point in the afternoon that if he did move to another city, he would take me with him.  The feeling that welled up inside of me is indescribable.

We watched a movie at his place, he made ravioli (frozen cheese ravioli!  my favorite!), and fell asleep. I woke up to go to work the next morning.  He got up and made me coffee.  But then, didn't see me off to work.  I guess it might've had to do with the fact that his roommate was there.  She told me that he came to her Saturday while I was at work and asked her what he should do because he didn't want to fuck this up.  He didn't want to loose me.  She just told him that he needed to say that to me.  He didn't. At least not in words.  He doesn't too well with communicating how/what he is feeling to me.  We need to work on that.  I told him that tonight, as he was going to work.  That he doesn't communicate very well.

"I communicate just fine, thank you."
"I don't know what you are thinking or feeling most of the time.  I've got to guess."

And, he just stayed quiet after that.  Which is exactly what I was talking about.  But, as long as I got my point across...

So, big things are brewing with THE BOYFRIEND and I.  I don't know when I'm moving in with him.  I mean, I just unpacked my stuff at my current residence.  I need to talk to my roommate over there to discuss this move, to see when is good for him.  I mean, I just basically keep my stuff there anyways.  I do spend most of my time at THE BOYFRIEND's house, outside of work.  But I don't know how I feel about this.  This is a step in our relationship that I don't really know how to react to.  The last time I did this, it didn't end up well.  Granted, that relationship was completely different, and completely wrong but I didn't see it that way until it was over.  This scares me a little bit.  The pace that our relationship is going.  But it's not a bad feeling.  I just don't want it to end as quickly as it has been going.  I don't want it to end because we moved in together too soon.  I need to tell him this but don't know how without it turning out like it did Friday night, with tears and fears of breaking up.  I'm tired of all this ... nonsense.  I just want to be happy with him.  I don't want it to end.  But I need him to be just as in this relationship as I am in it.  I don't want to be taken for granted.  Or feel that I am being taken for granted.  I need him to talk to me about things, about us.

I just need to take the leap, and see how it works.  My heart may be broken, but I need to a) not think about it, and b) realize that if it is, I'll be okay.  It's not the end.