Not so much a Hometown Hero

"You're everything I want."  

That's what he said to me Sunday night.  THE BOYFRIEND said that.  To me.

"And you're everything that I want."
"Really?"
"Mmm-hmm."
"Well, it's good we found each other."

Always looking for the disappointment?

This weekend, I think I may have mentioned this previously, THE BOYFRIEND and I are going back to my hometown.  Yes, yes.  I keep having these flashes of day dreams where I am disappointed by THE BOYFRIEND when he decides that he just doesn't want to go.  Because he doesn't do whatever he doesn't want to do.  I'm not bringing it up.  This is the time in all my relationships (around 9 months), that they just start to fail me in one way or the other.  So, I'm waiting for this one (the relationship, not HIM) to just disappoint me and I'll carry on with the relationship, until it all just starts to fall apart on me.  And I'll be left one big shell of an empty human for awhile until I meet and fall in love all over again.  The same god damn trap that I can't escape from.

I am expecting it, but I'm not going to go looking for it.  Like when in-laws-that-you-really-don't-like come for an extended stay.  And I don't know why I am expecting it, outside of what has happened to me in past relationships.  Being with him has been unlike any I've been with before.  Seriously.  And he hasn't really "disappointed" me yet.  The thing with the friend isn't a disappointment per se.  It's just weird.  And I'm kinda getting used to being ridiculous about it.  Or rather just "it".

I should just give up on worrying so much.  It's obviously not worth it.  I mean, the things that I worry about always amount to nothing.  It's a bad habit that needs to be nipped in the bud.  Like, right now.

Regrets Collect Like Old Friends

Lately, I've been growing depressed with my situation in life, especially pertaining to work and love.  It came to a head last night when I couldn't sleep.  Some of it.  I couldn't bring up everything.

As for work, I hate that I have to lower myself in order to work this job, especially every time I put on that damn rat suit and go pretend that I would love to have kids hanging all over me and dance around in order to make THEM happy.  Switch out THEM for whatever you want it to be, either corporate or the kids.  It sucks having to put on that animal outfit when I know that I am worth so much more.  Or am I?  See, that is another part of the "work sucks" that has factored into my depression this past week.  Or maybe it's all a big circle:  Depression, no sleep, I fuck up at my job.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

As far as love is concerned, I'm too damn jealous of THE BOYFRIEND and the friend of his.  And I know I have no reason to be.  Sometimes I just want to yell at him to just break up with me anyways because he obviously doesn't want to be with me as much as he wants to hang out with her.  When is wrong, I know.  So very wrong.  And it all comes back to my damned insecurity with why he is with me.  I was second guessing all week if he actually loved me, for instance.  Like, what do I have to offer him that keeps him loving me?  I'm obviously not his type (the bronzed, Brazillian/latino women of the world).  I'm don't do the dirty jokes as much as this other girl he works with.  I'm not good with the reparte and the lines from movies, or even know much about music.  I don't smoke a lot of ... or drink a lot; 2 beers knock me on my ass.  I'm not incredibly smart.  I'm lame.  He evens says that this is part of what he finds attractive in me.  That I'm not like what he grew up around.  All I can offer him is myself.    When is that not going to be good enough?

The key with a heart

This week is painting the room week.  Saturday, THE BOYFRIEND painted the alcove the dark gray. When he was at Home Depot getting the lighter gray for the rest of the room, he got me a copy of the house key.  This is how he gave it to me:

Sweet, right?  SOOOOO adorable with the heart.  He's like this in with me, and not in front of anybody else, all lovey-dovey.  He gave me the key with one of the roommates in the room.  When I commented on the heart he drew, he pretended to be engrossed in what he was doing, and didn't look up at me or the roommate.  I think he was blushing slightly.  I do love him so.  <3