As for work, I hate that I have to lower myself in order to work this job, especially every time I put on that damn rat suit and go pretend that I would love to have kids hanging all over me and dance around in order to make THEM happy. Switch out THEM for whatever you want it to be, either corporate or the kids. It sucks having to put on that animal outfit when I know that I am worth so much more. Or am I? See, that is another part of the "work sucks" that has factored into my depression this past week. Or maybe it's all a big circle: Depression, no sleep, I fuck up at my job. Lather, rinse, repeat.
As far as love is concerned, I'm too damn jealous of THE BOYFRIEND and the friend of his. And I know I have no reason to be. Sometimes I just want to yell at him to just break up with me anyways because he obviously doesn't want to be with me as much as he wants to hang out with her. When is wrong, I know. So very wrong. And it all comes back to my damned insecurity with why he is with me. I was second guessing all week if he actually loved me, for instance. Like, what do I have to offer him that keeps him loving me? I'm obviously not his type (the bronzed, Brazillian/latino women of the world). I'm don't do the dirty jokes as much as this other girl he works with. I'm not good with the reparte and the lines from movies, or even know much about music. I don't smoke a lot of ... or drink a lot; 2 beers knock me on my ass. I'm not incredibly smart. I'm lame. He evens says that this is part of what he finds attractive in me. That I'm not like what he grew up around. All I can offer him is myself. When is that not going to be good enough?
I'm scared. Of this sadness, and what is in store for me. When THE BOYFRIEND finally woke up around 4:30 a.m., I talked to him a little bit about how I'm feeling concerning work. I didn't bring up the thoughts I have about him and who-not. He consoled me a little bit, tried to reassure me that he does believe in me, believes that I can do what I am planning on doing career-wise. We tried to have sex after that, but I just couldn't get wet enough for it. And damn it all to hell! The one time this past week that I didn't have to practically beg for sex, and I couldn't get wet enough. FUCK this, man! I was getting upset, because apparently I couldn't even do that properly. He said to me,
"It's okay. It happens to all girls sometimes."I just looked at him and started giggling.
"Really? That's what you're going with?"He laughs along with me. However, he's still hard, despite everything. So I just finish him off myself.
On a different note, yesterday I was discussing changing the room around a bit. True to form, he replied with his usual,
"I don't care. ... I eagerly await the results."He just nods his head and smiles at me. I smile back at him, because him just pretending to care, for my sake, kinda makes me happy.
"Is this you pretending to care?
"I know you don't care. But I appreciate you pretending to care."We, THE BOYFRIEND and I, are where we are right now. He's asleep before his shift, and I got off mine. I'm dead on my feet, but I persevere in order to make him coffee and wake him up. Next weekend, I'm taking him to my hometown and showing him where I grew up and what-not. It'll be boring to him, considering I didn't have that exciting of a childhood. I went to school, did my homework, and either went to the mall, the movies or the bookstore. No hijinks were pursued. But we shall see how it goes, meeting the rest of the family and seeing the hometown.
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