Btw, about THE BOYFRIEND

So, THE BOYFRIEND is coming back home tomorrow.  And I seriously want to just maul him once we get home.  Just suck his face right off and just go to fucking town.  Because I'm really in need of sex.  Maybe this is post-New Girl kiss, I just really just need to be fucked really, really well.  Either way, it needs to happen.  It needs to happen, like, yesterday.  And I swear to god if he says no, I'm going to be extremely angry.  Extremely angry.

I wanna be kissed!!

I don't know if you watch New Girl or not, but OMG I have to talk about the kiss for just a minute.  

It's been a few weeks since the episode aired, but I wanna be kissed like this: 
 

Absolutely and completely like that.  It was hot and I still get all hot and bothered by it.  We're not talking about THE BOYFRIEND and I for once.  Although yes, it has been a while since I can remember being kissed like that by THE BOYFRIEND.  That moment of first impact of lips on mine and being completely surprised by it.  Being able to "see through space and time" and feeling like a woman. 

I miss it. 

Sex, again.

THE BOYFRIEND is down in Fort Lauderdale now.  Left early this morning.  He's doing better now, though.  Eating a little bit at a time, but still not sleeping much. 

Last night, we had sex for the first time in a long time, even though he is still weak.  Well, long for the two of us.  He woke me up while I was sleeping and started caressing me and kissing me.  I was not awake yet at all, so my part in all of this was drowsy and seemed like a dream.  Still not sure if it was a dream or not.  I remember once he was in me, I got very passionate and almost forceful.  I gave him this very deep and passionate kiss that I got so drunk from.  I can't remember if it was quick or not, but either way it still felt like I was made for him, and he was made for me.  Afterwards, he told me he was sorry for waking me up.  I just mumbled something at him and drifted off to sleep again. 

I already miss him, and hope that he comes back to me soon, completely healed and well.  I want to have proper sex with him again.  When it lasts even after we are finished.  When it aches for days afterwards.  Most importantly, when both of us are awake and can remember it in it's entirety. 

A sickness

THE BOYFRIEND is sick again.  This time it doesn't seem like he is going to get better anytime soon.  He doesn't even want me to touch him in a comforting way, i.e. cuddling up to him or touch him on his back or leg or arm.  I miss his touch; I miss his smile; I miss his spark.  I miss him.

He is taking a medical leave of absence from work in order to go to Ft. Lauderdale to hopefully get better.  Leaving me up here.  It's not a vacation where I know he is coming back to me.  I don't know what's going to happen to him down there.  Is it greedy of me to not want him to leave me?  I don't want to be anywhere he isn't. 

I don't want to think about living without him in my life.  He changed me in ways that I didn't think possible.  Or maybe it was there all along, and he brought it out of me. 

Another nightmare

Friday night, I woke up from a terrible dream I had about THE BOYFRIEND.  In it he continually abandoned me.  He left me to go downtown to a bar where a band was playing.  I followed him there.  When I got there he went up on the stage to play the keyboard, and then a guitar.  A baby blue Fender Telecaster, just like my EX's guitar.  In fact, in my dream it was his guitar.  Am I starting to fear that THE BOYFRIEND is going to be just like him, thereby ruin me and my psyche for years to come?  Maybe.

Back to the dream.  After strapping on the guitar, he takes it off and goes outside for a smoke with the band.  He has again disappeared, this time into my car.  I see him and get into the front passenger because some dude is in the driver's seat.  We start driving, towards the water, and go through a tunnel.  The dude that's driving isn't really driving.  He has taken his hands of the wheel, and I'm yelling at him to hit the brakes, which he does drunkenly.  THE BOYFRIEND is in the backseat just smiling and laughing away.

I am roughly awoken from my dream by THE BOYFRIEND (the in person one, not my dream one).  I yell out at him,

"No!"
"No, what?"
"I haven't gotten any sleep and I just had a bad dream.  A very bad dream.  You kept abandoning me."
"I'm not going where.  I'm right here."

He held me as I told him my dream and as I teared up a little bit.  I went back to sleep for about another hour before I had to wake up and go to work. When I did, he comforted me again, telling me that he wasn't going anywhere.

"I'm sorry that I have issues.  But I'm happy that you are staying with me."

These damn issues are really starting to affect me.  Like I've said before, I wish I could be sure that he isn't going to hurt me.  Only two things can actually make that fear disappear with a certainty, and both of them are more sci-fi than reality.  

I've thought a lot about it since Friday night.  He says he's not going anywhere, and he hasn't lied to me yet.  So, why don't I believe him?  Why am I putting my past issues on him, when I haven't previously done so in other relationships?  What makes it so hard to put away my past with this one?  I'm not afraid of committing to him.  Maybe it's that feeling in me that because he is so special to me and so good to me, that I don't want it to end.  And the thought of it ending is really too much to handle.  All this thinking that it may end because he decides that in the end I'm not good enough for him.  I mean, he doesn't want to put a definite on commitment.  So, how will I know?

I'm not going to sabotage it and bail before he bails on me.  I'm not going to be a "'fraidy cat" and call it quits.  I'm going to keep on going.  Yes, I'll still have my scared moments.

But for right now, there isn't anyone else I'd rather spend my life with than him.  And that's why I'll stay.  Because he's perfect for me. 

One more step

Trust.  It's hard to earn it, and it's especially hard to give it when you've been broken before.  I've got a lot of trust issues, and I'm working on them.  THE BOYFRIEND is slowly earning my trust in him.  But I'm not quite ready for the whole enchilada just yet. 

THE BOYFRIEND surprised me today.  It was a good surprise and I should've expected it, what he said.

We were on our way to Target to get a clothes hamper with a lid so that the cat will (hopefully) be deterred from using it as a litter box.  The Herman Cain radio show was on (THE BOYFRIEND loves listening to conservative talk radio because it makes him laugh).  I'm trying to remember the exact lead up to what he said(I like to voluntarily "black out" during this; conservative talk radio just makes me angry), and I'm guessing that it has something to do with what is important in life.  He said, as he was driving the truck around the parking lot,

"The only thing that is important to me is sitting next to me right now.  Aww." 

I looked at him, and my heart fluttered a bit, knowing full well that he meant me.  Not missing a beat, however, I replied,

"What?  Your CDs?"
"No, those are down there on the floor."
"Not these in this binder thing.  They are sitting next to you right now."

I didn't look, but I'm pretty sure he rolled his eyes at me.   But I still felt it, the tiny flutter of my heart as it realized that he doesn't want to go anywhere without me beside him, that I am important to him, that I can give my heart to him completely and he's not going to trash it.  My heart is on my sleeve, yes.  We murmur our love to each other every day, over the phone or in quick good byes as we head out the door to our respective work places; sometimes in between long, languid kisses in bed before we fall asleep.  My heart is not his, however.  It is still mine; mine to keep or to give; mine to keep on my sleeve or in my pocket. 

But everyday it's slowly becoming his.  One step at a time.