Better, maybe

Alright, so after all that happened previously I think that things between THE BOYFRIEND and I haven't gotten back to normal.  Maybe.

Weird Happenings

Something weird happened just now.  Well, two things really.  First, instead of standing up to put on his boxers after waking up, THE BOYFRIEND put them on underneath the blanket.  Like he didn't want me to see him naked.  He has never been this shy before.  And second, as he was leaving to go to work and we are standing outside, he stopped and looked back at me as he wanted to say something.  But then (maybe) thought better of it and came to light my cig.  And normally I wouldn't really think twice about any of this, except maybe for the boxers incident, but because of my err last saturday I am thinking twice.

Is he gonna break up with me?

Is he thinking twice about how he feels about me?

Am I gonna loose the last good thing in my life because I didn't think twice?

Did I loose my job because of him, just to see that he wasn't what I thought (and ultimately loved) about him?

OH, mind!  Why can't you let things go?!  Why can't you filter before you speak?!

Human Error

Yesterday, THE BOYFRIEND and I made plans for today, to just do nothing except lay around, fuck off, etc.  Well, he came over after my class, and we go at it.  Chit chat, fall asleep watching Raiders of The Lost Arc (CLASSIC!).  When we wake up, I go make coffee for us and lie around for about an hour.  So then he starts touching me, caressing me and tries to make me wet, but I'm not getting there, for whatever reason, no matter what he does.  Not sure.  I go for the bottle of lube and start working on him, seems that he has gone soft while I was working on getting all lubed up.  So, I ask him,

"Do you not want to?"
"No, I do.  I just gotta pee."
"So why didn't you go pee?"
"Well, I didn't want to ruin the mood."
"You gotta pee, you gotta pee.  I know that you have to get your parts switched over and whatnot."

He goes and comes back, I'm laying on my stomach watching The Incredibles.  THE BOYFRIEND starts rubbing my back and my bum, obviously trying to get back the mood, which never was really "lost", it's just his prerogative that it was lost.  We start at it again, he finishes.  And we're lying there, him on top of me, when I stick my foot in my mouth again.

Getting the groove back

THE BOYFRIEND asked me for a cup of coffee this morning as I'm on top of him and, yeah, I'll get it for him but I want something first.  So, I kiss down his body, pull up his shirt and start nipping and kissing at his rib cage and pelvis line.

"Wait, this isn't coffee!"
"Yeah, I know."  

But I can't hold the laughter in and just crack up.  Busting out with a laughter that is loud and happy.  And I am happy.  THE BOYFRIEND just got a promotion.  It comes with a 2 year contract, which he is not so happy about, but at least he has a guaranteed job with a higher pay.

Once I finally got him coffee, we got down to business.  It wasn't fast or slow, although at first I thought that it was going to be slow due to the slow kissing and touching we engaged ourselves in.  It was definitely sweet and loving.  He got me off first with his hand, which is what I needed apparently.  After my round of anti-biotics, it hasn't worked the same.  I mean, I got extremely wet before at the thought of sex with him.  Now, only a dribble, which has made it not so enjoyable at first.  But after that, I went down on him, and throughly enjoyed it too.  I don't know too many women who enjoy giving head, but I certainly do.  As long as I'm gonna get something in return.  While I'm down on my knees, I look up at him over the rim of my glasses and I can see the pleasure that I'm giving him and it drives me on, giving more and more. But I got tired of that and wanted more.  I got up to get the condom, going on all fours to give him something to look at while I'm searching.  Nothing from him.  Not even a touch or spank.  What does a girl have to do to illicit a response from him?    Sex after that was the usual, really.  I was on the edge of the bed, legs splayed open while he stood up pants down to the ground.  I watched while he grasped himself and found his way deep inside me.  It was quick and quiet.  But highly enjoyable.  He got several orgasms out of me this morning.  We are finally getting back to our groove.  After two weeks of hardly any sex, and when we couldn't NOT have sex it was not all that enjoyable for me, ... HALLELUJAH!!

Yeah, of course I still long for the times we did have sex and it was mind-blowing.  But sometimes, all you need is just a little bit of something to keep you going.  I hope we aren't getting into a sex rut.  Where we just repeat a routine.  With his schedule it is hard to have days like that.  He had two days of vacation this past weekend, a Friday and a Monday.  Boy, I just could not sleep very soundly with him up all night.  Sunday, after being woken up and even kicking him out of the room, I had it and had two beers in 1 hour.  Yeah, I was drunk.  But hey, I got to sleep.  So whatevs.  I couldn't smoke out, still waiting for a job.

Back to the sex rut...

So this past weekend, we could finally have sex, and lots of it.   And well, we did.  It was enjoyable each time.  The only problem was that the majority of the time, we had to be quiet.  Poop.  The one time we got to have sex in an empty house, he only got to spank me twice (First world problems?!) before he came.  Grrr.  Need some spice in my life.  It's gots to wait until I get this class over with.

Pornography and sex

Today, THE BOYFRIEND and I had a discussion on porn.  Well, a discussion is not the exact word for it.  More like I made a joke and he finished it.  But it still made me think about when he actually does watch it, at least since he started dating me, why, and what he thinks about while ... "helping himself".  What prompted all of this was The Daily Show's "story" about the OK bill about personhood.  Here's how it went down, not exactly word for word but you should get the gist.  I had to leave to go to the local Worksource office in order to "qualify" for unemployment that week (which is a joke b/c I'm not actually getting any money from them, but until a decision is made on my appeal in two weeks, I still have to go through the motions.  LAME!).  He stayed behind so he could sleep.  As I was leaving, I said to him,

"Don't watch any porn while I'm gone."  That was the "joke".
"Maybe I will.  Ghostbusters is on right now, I could feasibly watch that and porn on my laptop at the same time.  It'll be confusing but I could pull it off.  'Oh, you slimed on me!'"  

I love the boy, he is quite hilarious and really knows how to get my goat a lot of the time.  And honestly, I get that men are going to masturbate when there isn't a woman (or man, whatever takes that itch off) around, so that isn't the problem.  The problem comes when I hear that men often think about other women when they are actually fucking their signif.  I just don't understand that.  Ok, it's about the fantasy.  It's about the thought that they are fucking a gorgeous woman (or man), that is what gets them off; or at least that is what is explained to me.  But shouldn't their signif be enough for the getting off during sex?  The heat and the wet and the friction that is occurring not because of their own hands (or in some cases, inflatable objects), but because of some other person has their ... whatevers around their dick?  Or maybe I'm just NOT used to that.  That the only time I have ever wondered about that, and actually asked the question, was with THE EX, and I should just realize that his answers for everything related to relationships is NOT reliable in ANY way.  And I'm sorry for THE BOYFRIEND that he has to go through this with me, that I had such a sucky relationship before that all I ever gauge OUR current relationship on is what I went through with THE EX.  I realize this in researching for this post just now, seeing that what I thought men were thinking of during sex is not actually the case with GOOD men.  Or at least those that don't admit it.  But what does he think during sex?  I know what I think of during sex:  Am I doing a good job?  Really.  That's all.  Is he having a good time?  And with THE BOYFRIEND I can tell when he having a good time.  He smiles.  BIG.  So that is all I should think about.

Next question is:  can we watch pornography together and have sex?  Can I handle that juxtaposition?  Only way to find out: ask him and see how he takes it.

But really, what would that be like?  Would he get hard from me being there and watching porn with him, or is it THE OTHER WOMAN factor?  And would we have it with sound off while we actually get it on?  Or does he expect sound to be on and to be able to see the screen?  We should have a discussion about this?  Now that I realized that I am waaaay more fucked up than I originally thought, now comes the healing with a GOOD man.  A man that obviously loves me for me, truly enjoys having sex with me (and I with him; Oh man, our sex, when we actually have it, is just amazing!), an intelligent, funny man, a man that waits for me while I have "woman part" issues that restricted having sex for the past week or so.

And that must be the issue behind all of this.  That we haven't actually had sex for the past week.  Sex that hasn't made my vagina unhappy at least.  He's been patient with me (granted I have given him head a couple times, just to keep him happy), and I love him more for that.  However, I'm wondering in my fucked up psyche if he is unhappy with all of this, if he is thinking about straying, or even jerking off because I can't have sex with him.  It's all these hormones raging inside me that is causing me to do all this thinking, and I honestly just need to get laid, and laid fucking well, too.  Thank god he is on vacay this weekend.  Cause as soon as this bleeding vagina stops bleeding, I'm all in, going for the gold, ....   Tearing his fucking clothes off just to get off myself!  Come on, vagina!  I know you can do it!  Tomorrow, please?  I can't masturbate due to my broken vibrator, and manually has never really worked well for me anyways.  You know how bad I need this.  So bad.  So, so, so bad.  Speaking of... Ladies, have you ever been SOOOOOOOO horny that you can't sleep?  Cause that is what I am feeling right now.  I've got THE BOYFRIEND in bed, sleeping, and completely hard next to me.  And I can't do what I really want to do.   It's driving me INSANE.  Seriously.  I'm exhausted, can't keep my eyes open, but THE BOYFRIEND, finally in be next to me, like we haven't been in such a long time, but I can't sleep a wink.

And honestly, in all this thinking, one ray of sunshine emerges; well, two:  he's patient with me, and our relationship isn't solely based on sex anymore.  Now to get him to move with me if I take a job out of the area.

I'm never gonna get rid of her

So I don't get it.  Maybe someone can explain it to me.  Why does his ex, Katie, want me to like her?  Or at the very least, why is she wondering whether I like her or not?  According to a mutual friend, she keeps asking that.  It's confusing.  I'm currently DATING her ex.  And I don't know enough about her to say whether I like her or not.  NOT that I want to like her.  Good lord!  PLUS, she, like the rest of St. Augustine, seems to think that I am good with/for him!  How the hell does she know enough about me, about my relationship with THE BOYFRIEND to think that?  Okay, I get that he's been there a long time, and is pretty well known.  BUT they don't know me.

Breathe, Joan.  Breathe. .....  Okay.  Calm now.  So, in an effort to clear the air, make it known what is going on with me.  Be a grown up, be a bigger person.  Why I am acting that way and what not.  OOOORRRRRRR, I could just not and let the awkwardness grow until it suffocates all of us.

What do you think?