Pornography and sex

Today, THE BOYFRIEND and I had a discussion on porn.  Well, a discussion is not the exact word for it.  More like I made a joke and he finished it.  But it still made me think about when he actually does watch it, at least since he started dating me, why, and what he thinks about while ... "helping himself".  What prompted all of this was The Daily Show's "story" about the OK bill about personhood.  Here's how it went down, not exactly word for word but you should get the gist.  I had to leave to go to the local Worksource office in order to "qualify" for unemployment that week (which is a joke b/c I'm not actually getting any money from them, but until a decision is made on my appeal in two weeks, I still have to go through the motions.  LAME!).  He stayed behind so he could sleep.  As I was leaving, I said to him,

"Don't watch any porn while I'm gone."  That was the "joke".
"Maybe I will.  Ghostbusters is on right now, I could feasibly watch that and porn on my laptop at the same time.  It'll be confusing but I could pull it off.  'Oh, you slimed on me!'"  

I love the boy, he is quite hilarious and really knows how to get my goat a lot of the time.  And honestly, I get that men are going to masturbate when there isn't a woman (or man, whatever takes that itch off) around, so that isn't the problem.  The problem comes when I hear that men often think about other women when they are actually fucking their signif.  I just don't understand that.  Ok, it's about the fantasy.  It's about the thought that they are fucking a gorgeous woman (or man), that is what gets them off; or at least that is what is explained to me.  But shouldn't their signif be enough for the getting off during sex?  The heat and the wet and the friction that is occurring not because of their own hands (or in some cases, inflatable objects), but because of some other person has their ... whatevers around their dick?  Or maybe I'm just NOT used to that.  That the only time I have ever wondered about that, and actually asked the question, was with THE EX, and I should just realize that his answers for everything related to relationships is NOT reliable in ANY way.  And I'm sorry for THE BOYFRIEND that he has to go through this with me, that I had such a sucky relationship before that all I ever gauge OUR current relationship on is what I went through with THE EX.  I realize this in researching for this post just now, seeing that what I thought men were thinking of during sex is not actually the case with GOOD men.  Or at least those that don't admit it.  But what does he think during sex?  I know what I think of during sex:  Am I doing a good job?  Really.  That's all.  Is he having a good time?  And with THE BOYFRIEND I can tell when he having a good time.  He smiles.  BIG.  So that is all I should think about.

Next question is:  can we watch pornography together and have sex?  Can I handle that juxtaposition?  Only way to find out: ask him and see how he takes it.

But really, what would that be like?  Would he get hard from me being there and watching porn with him, or is it THE OTHER WOMAN factor?  And would we have it with sound off while we actually get it on?  Or does he expect sound to be on and to be able to see the screen?  We should have a discussion about this?  Now that I realized that I am waaaay more fucked up than I originally thought, now comes the healing with a GOOD man.  A man that obviously loves me for me, truly enjoys having sex with me (and I with him; Oh man, our sex, when we actually have it, is just amazing!), an intelligent, funny man, a man that waits for me while I have "woman part" issues that restricted having sex for the past week or so.

And that must be the issue behind all of this.  That we haven't actually had sex for the past week.  Sex that hasn't made my vagina unhappy at least.  He's been patient with me (granted I have given him head a couple times, just to keep him happy), and I love him more for that.  However, I'm wondering in my fucked up psyche if he is unhappy with all of this, if he is thinking about straying, or even jerking off because I can't have sex with him.  It's all these hormones raging inside me that is causing me to do all this thinking, and I honestly just need to get laid, and laid fucking well, too.  Thank god he is on vacay this weekend.  Cause as soon as this bleeding vagina stops bleeding, I'm all in, going for the gold, ....   Tearing his fucking clothes off just to get off myself!  Come on, vagina!  I know you can do it!  Tomorrow, please?  I can't masturbate due to my broken vibrator, and manually has never really worked well for me anyways.  You know how bad I need this.  So bad.  So, so, so bad.  Speaking of... Ladies, have you ever been SOOOOOOOO horny that you can't sleep?  Cause that is what I am feeling right now.  I've got THE BOYFRIEND in bed, sleeping, and completely hard next to me.  And I can't do what I really want to do.   It's driving me INSANE.  Seriously.  I'm exhausted, can't keep my eyes open, but THE BOYFRIEND, finally in be next to me, like we haven't been in such a long time, but I can't sleep a wink.

And honestly, in all this thinking, one ray of sunshine emerges; well, two:  he's patient with me, and our relationship isn't solely based on sex anymore.  Now to get him to move with me if I take a job out of the area.