Human Error

Yesterday, THE BOYFRIEND and I made plans for today, to just do nothing except lay around, fuck off, etc.  Well, he came over after my class, and we go at it.  Chit chat, fall asleep watching Raiders of The Lost Arc (CLASSIC!).  When we wake up, I go make coffee for us and lie around for about an hour.  So then he starts touching me, caressing me and tries to make me wet, but I'm not getting there, for whatever reason, no matter what he does.  Not sure.  I go for the bottle of lube and start working on him, seems that he has gone soft while I was working on getting all lubed up.  So, I ask him,

"Do you not want to?"
"No, I do.  I just gotta pee."
"So why didn't you go pee?"
"Well, I didn't want to ruin the mood."
"You gotta pee, you gotta pee.  I know that you have to get your parts switched over and whatnot."

He goes and comes back, I'm laying on my stomach watching The Incredibles.  THE BOYFRIEND starts rubbing my back and my bum, obviously trying to get back the mood, which never was really "lost", it's just his prerogative that it was lost.  We start at it again, he finishes.  And we're lying there, him on top of me, when I stick my foot in my mouth again.



This time is the worst.  This time I made the stupidest mistake any one person could ever make while in a relationship.  I told THE BOYFRIEND that he wasn't my best sexual experience ever.  "Maybe the second."  I feel fucked.  Like, how the hell am I gonna dig myself outta this hole and make it up to him?  And it was such an obvious hurt to him.  His face didn't fall or nothing, but it was obvious.  He totally backed away from me and gave me the I can't believe she is continuing this smile.  And now I hate myself.  I love him; I love having sex with him.  But to say that to him, ....  I've tried blowing it off, tried showing that I've gotten over it all.  But I haven't.  And I don't think he has either.

Okay, so we went about the day.  Went to a record store because it is record store day.  Came back; in the car as we got into the driveway, I offered to get his clothes and put his records in his truck so he could get a head start on a shower; you know, trying to make up my err by being extra nice or whatever.  He said to me,

"You are so awesome."
"Well, sometimes I am."  

We both said nothing; he just smiled at me.  Don't really know the reason why he was smiling, but I wasn't going to ask.  After he got out of the shower, we laid down for a nap.  I wanted to make it up to him more, in the sexual way.  We start touching, I start clawing, eliciting a groan/growl from him (the kind that really turns me on).  I go down on him, really going at it, clawing and licking and sucking,  really trying to show him how much I love having sex with him.  After doing that for a bit, I get on top and he starts rubbing my clit, trying to get me cum.   But that has never worked well on me.  I mean, maybe when I was little and I didn't have any kind of sexual experience, like at all, and all I knew was that rubbing myself on my bed gave me lots and lots of pleasure.  Okay, TMI, I know.  I take his hand and tells him to put it inside, and finger me.  Which, yeah, works so much better. Then I start putting him in me, sans condom.  Yeah, not a bright idea, but he feels so good.  I mean, we've done this recently, where he just sticks it in, pumps a little bit and then remembers the condom.  But with this, I'm on top and he's not telling me to stop.  I get it, he wants to make sure I'm having a great time, I'm guessing to prove to me and maybe himself that we do have fucking fabulous sex.  So, I cum.  And I start working on a second time, when he says to me, that he's gonna cum soon.  THAT's when I remember we don't have any protection, so I get off of him annnnnnndddd he cums.  But then he gets upset because he couldn't hold it off, so that I could get off more.  Starts saying shit like, "But you didn't have good time."  And I'm trying to tell him that yeah, I did have a good time.  Pretty sure it didn't worked.  Like he thought I was just lying to him to make him feel better for the shit I said earlier.  But I wasn't.

I really just need to know that Yeah, although I do have a big mouth with no filter, that I haven't fucked things up completely.  I really do love having sex with him.  That he is absolutely the best person in the world, and I wouldn't trade him for anything.  Not even that one guy I met at Margarita Fest and had a drunken night of dirty and dark sex.  You all know that.  But does he?  Does he really know how much I actually feel for him, how much I love him?  And not just in words or in sex.  I'm afraid as if I'm just gonna dig myself a deeper hole if I do ask him.

Lordy!  What a fine mess I have created.