That's enough, please.

I swear I'm gonna kill that boy when he gets better.  Again.  The fucking BOYFRIEND decided to not take it easy, to get greedy and have pancakes for breakfast.  A DAY AFTER HE GOT BETTER!  Yeah.  And the thing that I'm most upset about is that I didn't stop him.  I should've known better.  I continuously heard yesterday that he's a big boy.  So I let him make his own decisions today, thinking that hey he knows his own body, and he's a big boy.

And it certainly doesn't help that I'm completely PMSing right now.  Moody, bitchy, everything.  I'm getting pissed off at him, for being sick.  Smart move.  I know.  I'm completely sorry about it.  And told him so, right after I got pissy.  He's laying down now.  I got him a heat pad for his muscle spasms after all that vomiting.  Thank god the nausea has gone away.  So far.  It seems like it is.

------
One day, another ER visit, a specialist visit later and I have no hope for this man.  He doesn't have nausea per se.  It's more like his stomach is irritated and won't take anything going into it.  Don't know what the cause of it is, but we power on.  Don't know if he is going to call the specialists tomorrow to see the wtf is going on.  He went to work anyways, which in this TS Debby nonsense, I think is stupid and if he gets into a crash I'm going to fucking kill him.

I feel like I'm losing all sense of control now.  Like everything is going to pieces and taking me with it.  Like I'm a tetherball and someone is playing a rousing game with me.

Plus-er side, I'm getting a lot done with my graphic novel.  I need to watch some imagery heavy movies in order to make it ... more imagery heavy.  Beef up my imagination shall we say.

All I know right now is that I'm barely keeping control of everything.  So much stress.  I actually started crying in front of him today, before he went in to work and right after he started throwing up again.

GRRRRRR-ARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!  

Oy, I'm going to need a few days off for this one.

A few things before I pass out from sheer exhaustion.

THE BOYFRIEND finally read my draft of the graphic novel I've been writing for over a year.  When he told me that he read it, it was so matter of factually and no opinion on it whatsoever.  I got a little agitated, nervous.

"So, I ready your thing.  And wrote down some notes."
"You wrote down notes.  Huh.  That's not really helping me right now, with what you thought of it."

I guess he could tell that I was feeling weird about what he said because I was fidgeting with my Kindle Fire.  He stood up from the bench, walked over so that he was right in front of me.  I couldn't look him in the eye.

"Joan, put the Kindle down.  Put the Kindle down.  I liked it.  Needs some work, but overall I liked it.  And I understand now.""You understand what?"Whispering to me now, "More about you.  Why you are the way you are now.  What you went through.""You get it now?""I do.  And I love you.  No one should have to go through what you did."

And from that discussion, we became closer.  If that was possible.  He held me close, and we just stayed there like that for a few minutes.

I read the notes that he gave me.  Just what I expected from him.  Critical, but not bad criticism.  Constructive.  It seems I need a little bit more detail in the story, flesh out the timelines and story more.  When he got to the part where he came into my life, he had issues with the way that I wrote him.  It's more that a) I hadn't finished writing out our story yet, and b) my personal memories of how things went, versus how he remembered things.  A few things are correct, like when I asked him if he was my boyfriend.  I asked him while we were laying in bed, but when I wrote it, I put down that we were outside, and that it was after he asked me on our first date.  However, he believes that I asked him over that first time with the specific intention of sleeping with him that first time, when in actuality I was unsure up until the time that I actually made the first move.  I need to put that in there somehow, that I was unsure because I was afraid of losing my heart again.

Forgot to mention...

I forgot to mention a special moment that happened last Saturday while we having sex.  A moment that never happened before, and when I said the words I think I felt a little uneasy, thinking that he might not feel the same way.  So, I'm on top, doing my thing, asking him what I feel like and what I make him feel, etc.  When he asks me the same thing, I reply,

"You feel perfect.  Like, ... "
"... we were meant to be."
"Yeah."

So, yeah.  THAT happened.  And I know I truly meant it.  The moment being what it was, I think he meant it, too.  That really makes me feel a gooey inside, and glow-y.  Goes along with the "This may sound weird, but I can't imagine myself with anyone else" comment.  

Today he drifted out of sleep long enough to say he loves me.  I didn't really say anything, thinking that he wouldn't be too awake it to hear it anyways.  But then,

"Joan, I said, I love you."
"I love you, too."  kissing him lightly on his cheek before turning back to the computer.

 THE BOYFRIEND fell asleep early, after taking Trillian to the vet (fleas, ugh) and giving her medicine.  Around 12:30, so that should mean he will be up earlier today.  Yay!  Extra time to spend with him.

More musings

It's Sunday evening.  THE BOYFRIEND sleeps on the bed beside me as I write this.  Again, I'm going to wake him up for work in about an hour.  I need to get this done before he does.  Some things should remain private.  Although he does know about this blog, but I've never shown it to him before.  Don't think I will.  Ever.

So ... the result of our chat after he woke up Thursday.  He actually woke up at 8:20.  And stayed awake.  It wasn't really a chat.  Just more like cuddling and whisperings between the two of us.  He told me that I had nothing to worry about (and I stated here that it was more like a query than a worry), that he wasn't going anywhere.  And about the weekend, he asked if I wanted him to stay.

"Yeah, I would you to stay here with me.  However, if you do decide to go, I'm going to stay here."

I think that is what did it.  Next thing I know, he's talking to his mom and telling her that he won't be able to make it Friday.  He's going to be "asleep" all day.  Which he wasn't.  He waited until I got home to sleep.  And even then, it wasn't until 9 p.m.

Friday, as I was leaving work, I slipped and fell in the kitchen, in front of everybody.  Extremely embarrassing.  And I ended up being a gimp for a night.  I come home, hobbling up the stairs to the bedroom, my leg is all bruised up and sore.  THE BOYFRIEND went to the store to get me some ace bandages to bind my knee to keep it from swelling up overnight, and some pain relievers.  Guinness and Aleeve.  Magic happens with that combo.  So, 8:30 rolls around, I'm trying to get some sleep, but I'm also so fucking horny at this time.  I keep touching him all over, and kissing his skin as he laid next to me.  He was really trying hard not to get too much into it;  didn't know how to work with the knee.  We end up fucking.  It's totally doable, btw, having sex with a gimp knee.  And it totally works.  Just what I needed.  Don't know about him. ... Probably him too.  Been almost a week since we last had sex.  Anyways, we get to sleep and wake up around 5 a.m.  My foot has swelled up due the bandages being tight, but my knee is good and I can totally walk fine on it without the bandages or Aleeve.

Around 7 a.m. we go to Publix and get some breakfast stuff as well as other meals.  Made eggs, bacon, biscuits and sausage gravy, as well as the morning of one of the roommates.  She came down as we were making it, still bleary eyed from sleep, and needed advice.  {She had just broken up with her boyfriend, and he was trying to get back with her.  He is a good guy, and another musician like her.  However, he also needs to grow up, become a real adult in responsibilities not just age.}  Her situation just makes me appreciate what THE BOYFRIEND and I have together.  He is an adult because he knows that he has responsibilities.  I may do a lot for him, but he essentially does a lot for me.

Later that day we end up going out to get some drinks.  We're at The Tavern, where else, and he's playing pinball, what else, and also being really adoring and loving to me.  You know, not being shy of the public "I love you's" anymore, like he was in the beginning.  I don't know what prompted this; if it was the query that I had concerning our physical relationship or just because he's not afraid of it and what it means to our friends anymore.  Someone played "Sugar, Sugar" by The Archies, and he is just clapping and dancing along.  SOOOOOO hilarious and even more cute.

On our walk home, we're out in front of the college, he says to me,

"I don't know why a guy who doesn't beat on his woman is the best but whatever."
"It's not just that.  I've had others that didn't, and they just aren't anywhere close."
"So, what, I'm the best of the last?"
"No.  You're the best.  Ever."

A car comes around the corner and THE BOYFRIEND just yells at it,

"Fuck off.  I'm doing something here."

Really wasn't necessary, and he just as soon admits that, but hilarious just the same.  We're walking home and he has the fascination with walking behind me, to watch me walk.  I note this to him, and he just says,

"I like how you walk."
"Swaying my hips back and forth."
"Mmmmm-hmmm.  You've got a nice ass.  And I likes to look at it."

Yes, he and I are both drunk at the time.  By the time we get upstairs, ... yeah, you know what follows.  Adulations mixed with sex.  Like clockwork.  Like the only time we can be like this is when we are drunk together, both open and vulnerable with each other.  I remember, after having crashed down following his moment, I told him,

"This may sound weird, but I can't imagine myself with anyone else."
"That's not weird at all."

And then he passed out.  Seriously.  He's half off the bed, completely naked.  I turned off the light and tried to get him to move so I could fall asleep too.  Yeah, didn't happen.  Had to curl up on the part of the bed that he wasn't taking up.  Boy is heavy.

I think I spent the better part of today remembering the good times we've had together.  I've made headway on my graphic novel that I'm trying to write about my time with THE EX, and after it, you know getting back on track to being me again.  I think why I am so stuck on the ending is .... that I'm unsure how much THE BOYFRIEND is willing for me to reveal about us and our sex life.  I am waiting on him to read it, for constructive criticism.  I got a little impatient Saturday night.  And he told me that he waiting for time alone to read it, so I'm not hovering over him and getting all anxious while he does, because he knows that it is important to me.  What if he hates it?  Would I be willing to take his criticisms?  I think so.  I want it to be great.  I want it to stun.

Making it Bad?

No, I'm not worrying.  I was pondering something while I was on my way home yesterday, all last night, and while I was at work today.  Yeah, it sounds like worrying.  Really I was wondering if THE BOYFRIEND had to drive up to GA to visit with his family.  What I really wanted to do was be able to spend some quality alone time with him, since I barely get to anymore.  And out of that I realized that my reasoning had to do with the last good boyfriend that I had.  He broke up with me because we weren't having sex as much as he wanted.  Yeah, he admitted later that it was a jerk move, and we are friends.  But I brought up the quandry to THE BOYFRIEND while I spoke to him on my lunch break.  Went more like this:

"So, I was wondering if you want to go to GA this weekend.  I mean, Zach can leave and we could have the whole house to ourselves for a day."
"Yes, I want to go to GA."

At this point I was thinking "I just suggested we could spend the whole day with each other without roommates getting in the way, and he wants to go to GA."  So then I go into my explanation to the query.

"I would like to be able to spend the day with you alone, especially considering all the time that I get lately is 45 minutes or less when you are getting ready for work."
"..."
"What I'm getting at is I ... Oh gee, I hate saying this because now I feel like an idiot...  I'm just wondering if you are happy with our physical relationship."
"..."
"Do you get what I'm saying?"
"... I get what you are saying now.  And I don't think this is a conversation we should be having over the phone."
"Yes, I agree we should actually talk about this in person.  But that's my point.  When do we actually get time when you are not getting ready for work?"
"I know."

So this is when I brought up the quandry I previously put before myself.

"And I know that you don't have the time or necessarily the desire to look for someone else on the side.  I guess what I'm getting at here is that I don't want you to break up with me because we aren't as physical as you want."
"No, I'm not going to do that.  You shouldn't worry so much.  I wouldn't do that."
"I"m not necessarily worrying.  Just thinking.  Because you are so good to me and for me, and I am good to you and for you.  We work so well together.  I just don't want it to end because of something like that.  Because I have had that happen to me.  With a boyfriend who was good to me.  I.... I just want you to be happy." 

You know I put everything on the line to be with him, even after just spending barely two months with him.  I decided to stay here in town.  I decided to give up my TV career and look/train for something else so I can be with him.  The last thing that I need is for him to break up with me because we aren't having as much sex as he wants.  And I hope he realizes that.  I know he isn't good with subtlety.   But he damn well better realize that is what I'm getting at with this whole query.

"Get some sleep.  I gotta go back in from my break soon.  I love you.  We'll talk about this later."
"And I love you.  Go be productive." 

I go about my work, a stormy cloud hanging over my head (very visibly too.  My manager actually asked me if anything was wrong).  It's 7:30pm.  Waiting another hour before he's gotta wake up and maybe we'll talk.  But who knows.  His morning routine doesn't lend too much to talking.   And that's IF he wakes up at 8:45.  He might drag it out until 9 p.m.

How the weekend went

I'm starting a new position tomorrow.  A full-time position.  And as always when it comes to something new, I'm entirely nervous about it.  THE BOYFRIEND can tell that I am.  And he is wonderfully supportive of me and tries to get me to be more "optimistic" about everything that is changing for me.  Trying to cheer me up when my plans don't go the way that I want them to go.

Besides the new job, I'm also staying the night at my new place for the first time tonight.  Alone.  Well, the new roommate will be there.  But that just makes me more nervous. And I wish that THE BOYFRIEND could be there with me for the first time.  Somebody to make me feel more at ease.  But alas, he can't.  I gotta wake him up for work in half an hour.

Okay, so Friday.  I come home from work at 1:45 and he's asleep.  Been asleep since about 1 p.m.  Alright.  I let him sleep, until about 9 p.m.  when I'm dying to have attention from him.  It's Friday, I wanna go out and have some fun.  Or stay in and have some adult fun.  Whichever.  We go out, eat some cheesesteaks and then head to the Tavern.  At the Tavern, some dude apparently was trying to lay it on thick and "reel me in".  LOL  THE BOYFRIEND strolls up from his pinball game.  The guy looked at him, and asked,

"You two ... an item?"
"Uh huh!"

THE BOYFRIEND replied, smiling like he knows exactly what the guy was trying to do with me.  And about 5 minutes later, him and his friend end up leaving The Tavern and going somewhere else.  Guy wasn't my style anyways.  Just funny to see that actually happen.  I wonder if THE BOYFRIEND actually got jealous a little bit...

Before we left for cheesesteaks, I had about two beers.  Got all frisky with THE BOYFRIEND.  Sex was amazingly fast.  At The Tavern, I had one Guinness and a Washington Apple shot.  I was pretty lit by the time we left for the night.  Got back home, we got frisky again.  Again, amazingly quick.  Starting to be a pattern.  Although, I can't help it if I just feel so good to him that he can't help himself.  But he started worrying.  Worrying that I might have a problem with it being fast and all.  Must've been a combination of my past error (you know what I'm talking about) and the guy at the bar.  I only think that the guy at the bar was a factor because of the walk home.  He got all sweet and concerned that I was sure I was happy with him.  So after sex, I tried to get some sleep, since I had been awake much longer than he had.  And (this had never happened before) he cuddled up to me and held me as I fell off to slumberland.  Twice he did this.

Saturday.  We drive up to Jax to get the rest of the stuff I left there.  We carried my top mattress out to his truck, tie it down, tarp it down.  Get about 1 1/2 miles away before the tarp starts coming off.  I tell him to pull over so I can fasten it better.  Fucking tarp tears, and there is rain clouds overhead.  I am completely and utterly frustrated at this point.  Completely and utterly disappointed in myself.  THE BOYFRIEND tries his best to cheer me up, which I eventually do after Hamburger Helper, Mississippi Gary and Neil deGrasse Tyson.  (LOVE Neil deGrasse Tyson!)  By now, he's been up for almost 24 hours, so we go to lie down and get side tracked by amazing, AMAZING sex.  He falls asleep, then I do about an hour after he does.

Sunday.  We wake up about 4:30 a.m.  Fucking early.  I don't remember when, or why, but after we have been awake for a bit, he comes over to me and says,

"You were amazing last night."

I was so flabbergasted by this that I don't ask why.  I took it to mean our sex together.  But it could mean how well I dealt with all of the shit that I had to take to my confidence.  Outside earlier, I had mentioned to him,

"I hope that this new thing, this new job works out well for me."
"It will.  And soon you will get your new certification and be making a shit load of money."
"I don't know if I can do that.  If it is in me."
"Sure it is.  YOU have a much better head for technology than I do.   YOU went out and did all this, on your own.  You CAN do this.  I know you can."

It was at this moment, this moment when he declared his optimism in my skills, my ability, my ... self that I knew that I wanted to be with him.  For as long as our lives last.  Because he believes in me.  Because he considers himself to be the luckiest man on earth when he is with me.  Because I've found what everyone looks for.  Whether they believe it or not, they are.

6 months In

How to start describing how today went?  What do I begin with?  I woke up.  Went to work.  When it came time for my lunch break, I went back to THE BOYFRIEND's so I could see him for about 15 minutes instead of hanging out behind the office building.  I got only 5 minutes, if that.  Damn Bridge of Lions.  A fucking boat just HAD to come through when I wanted to be across it.  THE BOYFRIEND, having been stuck in traffic, came back sometime after that.  He told me that he wanted to get me something considering today is 6 months that we have been together.  I told him that he didn't have to, that I didn't really want anything.  Just him.  What I got was some sweet kisses and a flour handprint on my ass; he was cooking.  <3  MMMMMMM, chicken and cheesy rice.  Soooo good.

I got off work around 2:40; when I came in the house, I fully expected him to be asleep.  But he was waiting for me to get home.  Had a cigarette together, plus wonderful caresses and kisses.  Had sex, quick but not too bad, as I was on top.  I still love how he strokes my skin.  After, when we are still connected, I asked if he wanted me to get off of him.  He just smiled sweetly at me.  I said to him,

"I am so happy with you.  So happy to be your girlfriend.  I make you happy, right?"

He didn't answer me right away, because he was still in that after orgasm high.  His answer,

"Yes, to your question.  I am very happy with you, too." 

We (he) tried to get to sleep right after that, but he couldn't.  Had to wait for the medicine to kick in.   When it finally did, I packed up my stuff that was at his house and went out to the new digs to get more organized and put away.  Clothes are in, videos are in, books are in (except I'm missing some...), just need the desk and bed.  Well, the bed is probably going to THE BOYFRIEND's since we are currently on a twin mattress on the floor.  Love him to death, but this thing will be the death of me.  Besides, there's already a bed at the other place anyways.  Need another bookcase.  Or something.

Yours, So much in love.  <3

Complete Happiness Finally

Yesterday, THE BOYFRIEND came back from his trip home over the weekend.  It was wonderful seeing him again.  Yeah it was only three days, but I can't describe the feeling I got when I saw him again.  I practically sprinted down to his truck, and almost jumped into his arms.  But I didn't.  Instead I kissed him a few times and smiled so big at him.  He grabbed my ass, and said,

"That's it.  That's what I needed."

After getting back upstairs to his room, we tried to lay down to sleep.  Of course there was no way that was gonna happen.  Sex was quick, very quick.  In and out for him.  But it felt so good to have him there with me, in me again, that I didn't mind at all.  We laid there for a bit, not detached, just kissed and cuddled (which is hard to do when I'm on my stomach and he's behind me).  We told each other how much we loved each other and other such adulations.  I didn't notice while he was gone, but when we were together again, it really did feel like a piece of my puzzle was found and placed back where it belonged.  Has to be a good sign.

While he was gone, I went out a few times with some friends.  One of his housemates was showing her artwork and I went along for support.  I got really silly, and stuck my face in her tits.  No, I wasn't drunk, didn't have any alcohol until later that night.  But I was still very silly.  When the art show finally ran down, we all piled into one car and headed downtown for a drink.  At the Tavern, still silly, no drinky.  In fact, I even tried to kiss another housemate of his.  She's mormon so she was very uncomfortable with that, but passed it off very well.  I liked making her uncomfortable like that, so I did it a couple of times that night and this weekend also.  Just for fun.    Not gonna abuse the privilege.  We went to O'Malley's next.  THAT'S where I got drunk.  Two Guinesses.  I was a goner by the time I finally got someone to take me home.  Got back to the house around 2 a.m.  At that time, THE BOYFRIEND was up and wanted to FB chat.  So, I did.  Completely drunk off my ass.  He enjoyed that.

Saturday night, went out to a house party, didn't drink but ended up having another good reason to be thankful for my friends here in St. Augustine.  While bitching (yes, bitching.  There was a "bitch-wheel") about my current job, one of them had mentioned that he is looking for an assistant.  YAY!  I applied today (Monday) and most likely have the job.  It's at a kids "fun-zone" place, so I have to pass a background check.  No problems there.  I'm not a criminal, didn't do nasty things to children or get arrested for drugs.  Only problem, I have to find something to cover up my ink on my forearm.  Strict dress code about that.  Long sleeves then.  Possibly start next week!  Full-time gig repairing games.  Seems like something is finally falling more into place.  Granted I would like to have something MORE like THE BOYFRIEND's sched.  But we've dealt so far.

OH, OH.  Six months tomorrow.  Wow.  Went by so quickly.  But it feels like forever, almost.  Been through a helluvalot, but we got through it all.  And came out on the otherside complete.  Love's a funny thing.  I'm completely happy right now.