Realizations

Talking to my friend today made me realize that, while I am happy about this new development, I don't know what this means for me. 

Am I just supposed to go about my life like I have been before or is my life gonna completely change?  How am I supposed to react now?  Should I just act normally, or could I talk to him about it, about the possibility of marriage to him, about what I want as a ceremony?  Should I wait for him to actually make the commitment?  Not that he hasn't already, just not formally. 

I know I want him to say it to me sober, to tell me what he said to me Friday night.  I know that he said he was serious about it.  But he didn't say the actual words "I want to make you my own" sober.  I trust him and I trust that he doesn't lie at all.  However, I think that I would be happier about the idea of being married to him, that we are actually meant to be together forever, that I wouldn't be ... uncertain about our future, if I actually heard the words from him. 

Although, everything being said, I am still pretty damn happy. 

About last night

HUGE new development with THE BOYFRIEND and I.  Yeah, he said it.  He actually said that he wanted to marry me.

Yesterday, he got word from the county that they wanted an interview with him next week for the PIO position he applied for (and desperately hopes he gets).  YAY!!!!  So, after my latest class ended, I hurried home to celebrate with him.  He wasn't there.  Getting frustrated, because he said he would be at home, I went out to The Tavern to see if he was there.

He wasn't.

So, I went next door to the taco shop to see our friend, Lizi, to see if she knew where he was; and she did.  I tracked him down at Rhett's piano bar, all the while getting angrier and angrier at him.  Probably for no good reason, either.  But I did. 

I found him completely drunk (he was starting The Lean) and chatting up an older man at the bar.  After an angry (on my end) chat with him at the bar, I got him outside, my anger getting smaller and smaller every minute because I knew I had no case to be angry.  Outside, he told me what has been going on in his head for some time now.

"I know that I love you, and that you love me.  And I want to be with you forever.  I want to be with you until I die.  But, I don't want to actually say the words until we've been together for 2 years.  Do you want to be with me forever?"
"Yes, of course I do.  You know I do."
"Joan, I want to marry you.  I want you to be my wife.  But I also want to be sure.  I was talking with Zach and Lizi about it, literally right before I came here, and Zach said to make sure that I don't lose my self.  And I don't want to lose my self."
"I don't want you to lose yourself either."
"I want to marry you, Joan.  I want to wait, but it's not going to be a complete surprise, either.  I mean, we gotta get a ring sized and everything."

We decided to go home.  Well, I decided that I wanted to go home and he came with me because that would make me happy, and he "just wants to make me happy."  On our way home, we talked more about it, making plans and the like.  No diamond; way too overrated.  Small wedding, with just our family and a few friends.

It was also brought up that he wants to make sure he can "take care of me."

"It's a pride thing.  You can't possibly understand that."
"No, I probably can't understand it.""Which is why I want this job with the county so bad, because then I know I can take care of you."

So, yeah.  He wants to marry me.  And, I hope that we can make it work before then.  That we will last until he actually makes it official.  We need to be living in our own place before then.  He needs a job; I need a better job.

After we got home, we took a shower together, almost had sex in the shower; he was very handsy in the shower.  Got back to the room, had sex; I came, he fell asleep on top of me before he finished.  Yeah, he was that drunk.  Kinda cute.

This morning, while I was at work, I asked him if he remembered our conversation last night.  He said he did.

"Were you serious?"
"Yeah, I don't lie when I'm drunk."
"Good."

So, it's settled.  He's serious, and I'm serious.  It's gonna happen. 

Unemployment

THE BOYFRIEND and I are dealing with unemployment again.  No, not mine again.  This time it is his.  They called him and told him they needed him to come in and cover a dayside shift.  Which is totally weird.  So, he went in to the office at 9:00 a.m., they called him in to the ND's office and fired him.  They evoked Section 6 of his contract and let him go.

He asked me not to freak out about this.  And, I'll admit that I am slightly freaking out, but I'm not going to show it to him.  We are both aware that I depend on him for a lot of things.  And now, everything is hanging in the thin air, surrounded by chaos. 

He is trying to stay in the area, to stay with me.  We talked about it now and no matter what we are going to stay together.  Now, to just figure out what to do next, and how to make it work.

One step at a time. 

 He has applied to several places now, and we both hope that a few of them work out.  He wants to be  public information officer for the county, but I'm not honestly sure he'll get hired because, well, because he doesn't look the part.  He's short, and doesn't really carry himself like a PIO.  He's needs tailored clothes, and nice shoes.  He's got to be on TV as a PIO.  And as of right now, he doesn't carry himself with authority.  But I love him.  Immensely.  And I will stand by him.  I will move with him wherever he goes. 

Crankiness

I'm cranky.  I'm really cranky today.  And all because I haven't gotten enough attention from THE BOYFRIEND lately that I really, really want.  Two weeks of caring for him.  Two weeks of trying to get him better.  Two weeks of putting him before myself.  I want attention dammit.  And I'm cranky. 

Irrational?  I have no idea.  I just know that I want attention.  And I want to go out with him tonight.  But I'm waaaayyyy too exhausted to be any fun.  Or whatever. 

Life sucks.  Being an adult sucks.

Btw, about THE BOYFRIEND

So, THE BOYFRIEND is coming back home tomorrow.  And I seriously want to just maul him once we get home.  Just suck his face right off and just go to fucking town.  Because I'm really in need of sex.  Maybe this is post-New Girl kiss, I just really just need to be fucked really, really well.  Either way, it needs to happen.  It needs to happen, like, yesterday.  And I swear to god if he says no, I'm going to be extremely angry.  Extremely angry.

I wanna be kissed!!

I don't know if you watch New Girl or not, but OMG I have to talk about the kiss for just a minute.  

It's been a few weeks since the episode aired, but I wanna be kissed like this: 
 

Absolutely and completely like that.  It was hot and I still get all hot and bothered by it.  We're not talking about THE BOYFRIEND and I for once.  Although yes, it has been a while since I can remember being kissed like that by THE BOYFRIEND.  That moment of first impact of lips on mine and being completely surprised by it.  Being able to "see through space and time" and feeling like a woman. 

I miss it. 

Sex, again.

THE BOYFRIEND is down in Fort Lauderdale now.  Left early this morning.  He's doing better now, though.  Eating a little bit at a time, but still not sleeping much. 

Last night, we had sex for the first time in a long time, even though he is still weak.  Well, long for the two of us.  He woke me up while I was sleeping and started caressing me and kissing me.  I was not awake yet at all, so my part in all of this was drowsy and seemed like a dream.  Still not sure if it was a dream or not.  I remember once he was in me, I got very passionate and almost forceful.  I gave him this very deep and passionate kiss that I got so drunk from.  I can't remember if it was quick or not, but either way it still felt like I was made for him, and he was made for me.  Afterwards, he told me he was sorry for waking me up.  I just mumbled something at him and drifted off to sleep again. 

I already miss him, and hope that he comes back to me soon, completely healed and well.  I want to have proper sex with him again.  When it lasts even after we are finished.  When it aches for days afterwards.  Most importantly, when both of us are awake and can remember it in it's entirety. 

A sickness

THE BOYFRIEND is sick again.  This time it doesn't seem like he is going to get better anytime soon.  He doesn't even want me to touch him in a comforting way, i.e. cuddling up to him or touch him on his back or leg or arm.  I miss his touch; I miss his smile; I miss his spark.  I miss him.

He is taking a medical leave of absence from work in order to go to Ft. Lauderdale to hopefully get better.  Leaving me up here.  It's not a vacation where I know he is coming back to me.  I don't know what's going to happen to him down there.  Is it greedy of me to not want him to leave me?  I don't want to be anywhere he isn't. 

I don't want to think about living without him in my life.  He changed me in ways that I didn't think possible.  Or maybe it was there all along, and he brought it out of me. 

Another nightmare

Friday night, I woke up from a terrible dream I had about THE BOYFRIEND.  In it he continually abandoned me.  He left me to go downtown to a bar where a band was playing.  I followed him there.  When I got there he went up on the stage to play the keyboard, and then a guitar.  A baby blue Fender Telecaster, just like my EX's guitar.  In fact, in my dream it was his guitar.  Am I starting to fear that THE BOYFRIEND is going to be just like him, thereby ruin me and my psyche for years to come?  Maybe.

Back to the dream.  After strapping on the guitar, he takes it off and goes outside for a smoke with the band.  He has again disappeared, this time into my car.  I see him and get into the front passenger because some dude is in the driver's seat.  We start driving, towards the water, and go through a tunnel.  The dude that's driving isn't really driving.  He has taken his hands of the wheel, and I'm yelling at him to hit the brakes, which he does drunkenly.  THE BOYFRIEND is in the backseat just smiling and laughing away.

I am roughly awoken from my dream by THE BOYFRIEND (the in person one, not my dream one).  I yell out at him,

"No!"
"No, what?"
"I haven't gotten any sleep and I just had a bad dream.  A very bad dream.  You kept abandoning me."
"I'm not going where.  I'm right here."

He held me as I told him my dream and as I teared up a little bit.  I went back to sleep for about another hour before I had to wake up and go to work. When I did, he comforted me again, telling me that he wasn't going anywhere.

"I'm sorry that I have issues.  But I'm happy that you are staying with me."

These damn issues are really starting to affect me.  Like I've said before, I wish I could be sure that he isn't going to hurt me.  Only two things can actually make that fear disappear with a certainty, and both of them are more sci-fi than reality.  

I've thought a lot about it since Friday night.  He says he's not going anywhere, and he hasn't lied to me yet.  So, why don't I believe him?  Why am I putting my past issues on him, when I haven't previously done so in other relationships?  What makes it so hard to put away my past with this one?  I'm not afraid of committing to him.  Maybe it's that feeling in me that because he is so special to me and so good to me, that I don't want it to end.  And the thought of it ending is really too much to handle.  All this thinking that it may end because he decides that in the end I'm not good enough for him.  I mean, he doesn't want to put a definite on commitment.  So, how will I know?

I'm not going to sabotage it and bail before he bails on me.  I'm not going to be a "'fraidy cat" and call it quits.  I'm going to keep on going.  Yes, I'll still have my scared moments.

But for right now, there isn't anyone else I'd rather spend my life with than him.  And that's why I'll stay.  Because he's perfect for me. 

One more step

Trust.  It's hard to earn it, and it's especially hard to give it when you've been broken before.  I've got a lot of trust issues, and I'm working on them.  THE BOYFRIEND is slowly earning my trust in him.  But I'm not quite ready for the whole enchilada just yet. 

THE BOYFRIEND surprised me today.  It was a good surprise and I should've expected it, what he said.

We were on our way to Target to get a clothes hamper with a lid so that the cat will (hopefully) be deterred from using it as a litter box.  The Herman Cain radio show was on (THE BOYFRIEND loves listening to conservative talk radio because it makes him laugh).  I'm trying to remember the exact lead up to what he said(I like to voluntarily "black out" during this; conservative talk radio just makes me angry), and I'm guessing that it has something to do with what is important in life.  He said, as he was driving the truck around the parking lot,

"The only thing that is important to me is sitting next to me right now.  Aww." 

I looked at him, and my heart fluttered a bit, knowing full well that he meant me.  Not missing a beat, however, I replied,

"What?  Your CDs?"
"No, those are down there on the floor."
"Not these in this binder thing.  They are sitting next to you right now."

I didn't look, but I'm pretty sure he rolled his eyes at me.   But I still felt it, the tiny flutter of my heart as it realized that he doesn't want to go anywhere without me beside him, that I am important to him, that I can give my heart to him completely and he's not going to trash it.  My heart is on my sleeve, yes.  We murmur our love to each other every day, over the phone or in quick good byes as we head out the door to our respective work places; sometimes in between long, languid kisses in bed before we fall asleep.  My heart is not his, however.  It is still mine; mine to keep or to give; mine to keep on my sleeve or in my pocket. 

But everyday it's slowly becoming his.  One step at a time. 

Life is getting in the way

There are so many things to fit into this post.  My grandma is dying.  THE BOYFRIEND and I are moving in together at the end of the lease; just the two of us.  THE BOYFRIEND was incredibly sick AGAIN; just like last June.  I am studying for my Net+ exam next MONDAY and I'm not doing so well.

All this has made for a very exhausted me.  I wish that all of this wasn't happening at the same time.  That I could have just one change in my life at a time.

THE BOYFRIEND is being incredibly supportive all this time.  Seeing how he is dealing with me being a mess just solidifies how much I love him, how much I need him and need to be with him.  When I found out that my grandmother was dying, I was basically on my way to the ER for the 2nd time with him, he was in severe abdominal pain.  I'm crying my eyes out, it's night, and I'm driving.  Isn't the best of circumstances.  He reaches over and just pats me on the back and says,

"Can you still drive?"
"Yes, I can drive.  I can drive and cry at the same time!"

Don't fault the guy just yet.  I said he was supportive of me and he is wonderfully so.  He was in pain and nauseous.  I couldn't and shouldn't expect much.

By Friday he was feeling better, (we still ended up in the ER again on Sat, but that shouldn't count all the much.  That was his parents trying to get answers.) I asked him if he would come down to Clearwater for the service if it was on a weekend.  He said,

"Of course.  It's the least I can do."

I haven't cried too much in front of him, but I've gotten teary eyed.  And still he's there to hold me.

As for our moving in together, the house that I lived in right before moving in with him may or may not be available by the time the lease is up in May.  And, yes, I am scared about this.  THE BOYFRIEND wants to move in there.  He wants to have a separate space for the both of us.  He says that we are "on top of each other" as we are now.  Yeah, our room is crowded.  But I wouldn't say on top of each other.  I don't want us to loose what we have now.  He says we wont.  But all I can think about is it happening.  That we just drift apart because ... having more space is going to do that to a couple.  Well, it might or it might not.  I've told him about my fear.  I've expressed myself and he has tried to soothe it.  He told me that he doesn't think that it's going to happen, that we aren't going to end up hating each other and/or drifting apart.  I wish that I could be so certain.

Does this mean that I don't have faith in "us"?  That deep down I can't see a future with him?  I know that I am always afraid of the next step with him.  But it turns out to be okay, not as bad as I fear, wonderful even.

I hope I can get over my trepidation at this next step; that it's not going to be my worst fears come true. 

Face time

This week I'm continuing my IT education in hopes for a better job.  Night class, after my shift at CEC.  Which means that THE BOYFRIEND and I will not have ANY face time together for three days. 

Three days without seeing him.  Three days without seeing the only thing that is getting me by nowadays.  This is gonna be hard.  But it'll go really quickly, luckily. 

Plus, THE BOYFRIEND's bff is here for her job; going to be here about a week.  I was a teensy bit paranoid at first.  I mean, she happens to be here the same week that I have my night class, she will be seeing him more this week than I am.  But then I thought about how I get to see him all the time, about how I live with him, and how much I need to learn to trust him when he tells me that there is no way she is gonna take him away from me.  Trust.  That's one thing a relationship needs to have.  One large, almost all-emcompassing thing.  And I know that, despite being screwed heavily in the past by many relationships, I have to learn how to trust sometime.  Now is that time.  It has to be.

So, I trust him.  Now what?  Where do we go from here?  I wanna build a life with him.  I feel, no, I know, that he is the one that I want to settle down with me.  We aren't exactly alike.  But we are so perfect together in all the right ways.  He just completes me.  But I have no idea if he feels that way towards me.  Or maybe I'm just gonna be the perfect one, until I move away to a place he doesn't want to move to, and we break-up.  Because that is what it sounds like to me.  Is that what a perfect relationship is?  Being together only because we are in the same place at the same time? 

I didn't think so.  Call me a hopeless romantic but I don't want to waste my time building a relationship here and now, when there might not be a future.  I am building this relationship for the future. 

Serious chats need to happen.

Sooooooooooooo, yeah, this is different

THE BOYFRIEND and I went out Friday night to The Tavern, as usual.  We were hanging out there with friends, having a grand ol' time, when it happened.  I was standing up at the end of the table, THE BOYFRIEND  and a friend were chatting and watching my terrible dancing to

   

They whispered something to each other.  I, of course, knew that it was something about me.  Probably something like "She's so cute" or akin to that.  I asked what they were talking about, and all I got a "nothing" in reply.  Later I find out what was said.  

"Lizi says I should marry you."

"Oh, I don't need you to marry me.  I just want you to stay with me."

And that was that.  No more talk of it between THE BOYFRIEND and me since.  Last night, at a NYE party.  I asked Lizi if she actually said that to him.

"Yes, I did say he should marry you.  And he said he was going to marry you."

WHAT WHAT WHAT?!   My head is spinning now, with this new information.  I'm most certainly not ready to be married.  And I most certainly don't really want to get married.  I think about it, yeah.  I'm a hopeless, hopeless romantic who dreams of falling in love with the right person and getting to spend the rest of our lives together.  But realistically I don't need a piece of paper saying that.  And to me, and him, that is all that marriage is.  To others, maybe not.  But to us, yeah.  And I do like planning a wedding, with all the flowers and dresses, and other pretty stuff to look at.  Wearing a gorgeous dress, and getting all trussed up and ruffled out.  But that is too much work and stress to deal with. 

Now, he could be talking about common law marriage to me, just for being together a really long time.  That I can believe and understand.  Plus, I can't really avoid it all that much. 

I asked THE BOYFRIEND to come to my family Christmas this year, 2013.  He said he would and even has put in the time off request for it already.  I hope it goes well.  I mean, my family isn't completely unlike his.  Except for the drinking and the weed smoking, they are pretty damn similar.   Plus, I hope we have time to hang out with my best friend back home, finally get a chance to meet and all that jazz.

All in all, I'm kinda lookin' forward to this year comin' up.  No idea what it will hold for me.  But if it's anything like this past year, it's going to be wonderful!