Well, THE BOYFRIEND and I are making headway into the relationship. Making it stronger and realizing that this relationship, for the both of us, probably couldn't be any better with anyone else. For example, due to my lack of employment I might have to move back to Clearwater. Don't know when, but it's a possibility if I don't find anything soon or win my unemployment claim appeal. However, I've already applied to the local comm college up here AND I am planning to attend coming this fall semester. That's a good 3-ish months where I'm gonna be without money (again, if I don't get any $ coming in). So, I asked him,
"How would you feel if I moved down to Clearwater for a few months, then came back for school in August?" "..." "I mean, I could come back once, maybe twice a month." "I'm thinking. ... I think I could do that. I've had longer dry spells than that, gone longer without having someone to hangout with who wasn't a drinking buddy or whatever. I mean, it would possibly go against my rule concerning long distance relationships, but I also had a rule against boning a co-worker. And that seems to be going very well."
So, if I have to go back home to my parents, I only want it to be for a summer, due to school and THE BOYFRIEND. I would have to find a pt job down there so that I can save $. But I think that would be the last resort kinda thing. Plus, I would have to find a new place to live up here when August comes around.
Oh, he mentioned the roommate thing again. You know, that one of his roommates is moving out and I can possibly move into the house with him. So, I'm thinking that he is getting serious-er about the whole thing. Me, us, our relationship. BUT how serious? Not enough to actually move in together in our own place, not just yet. Don't think I'm ready for THAT yet either. But, really, how do you know if you are ready? Guess if the sitch occurs, I'll know then. Maybe I should suggest moving in together when I start school up again. Maybe when we hit a year. That sounds like the best time.
There was a thing that I was really looking forward to going to all week. A band that I knew multiple members of, if not all the members, was having a gig. And I so wanted to go. It would be the first time that I would actually see the band play. Plus, the boyfriend really needed a great night amongst friends and drinking and letting loose. BUT as luck would have it, it fucking rained. In fact, I even woke him up from a nap so that we (or rather I) could go and have a good time. As we were walking to the place, it started to rain, downpour even. And there went my (and his) night. It wouldn't be worth it. Non-smoking establishment, crowded porch, crowded inside. I just need something to take my mind off of everything. Off of this depressing moment that is my life right now. My blip in the history of the cosmos. So infinitesimal and minute.
Yeah, I've been watching a lot of Carl Sagan lately. Back to the story.
About an hour after we get back to the house, chill for a bit. THEN it decided to stop raining and we go out again to the show, at 10:46 p.m. So a bit late, but not too late to miss the show. WHICH WAS AWESOME!!! Oh you really must see these guys in action. The Wobbly Toms. Just awesome Irish rock. And while I'm there dancing, drinking, all around having a good time, TWO people that I have never met before asked me if I was dating THE BOYFRIEND. So weird, right? Apparently, they are all really happy that I am his girlfriend. Which, yeah, so am I. It's just weird that everyone knows me as his girlfriend before I even meet him. He's a bit of a celebrity in this town, this small town where everybody knows everybody.
Anyways, I have my two beers and we walk home exceptionally drunk. Along the way, he starts talking about Katie (the ex that I met) and something to do with whatever. Ok, yeah, he had a life before he met me. I get that. I'm not hating or judging. But him just talking about her like he did, just so offhanded and nonchalant made me extremely pissed off. So, I told him that I was still angry about the whole thing. He stops in his tracks and gets this look on his face that is hurt and guilt for the experience that is so obviously hurting me still.
"Baby, I didn't mean to hurt you.""It wasn't the experience that hurt me the most, honestly, it was the fact that you thought that it was funny."'But I really didn't. I just said that to hide what I was really thinking about the whole thing. [...] I want only you. No one else."
No, I haven't forgiven him for the whole thing yet. I am still quite hurt, but much less so. We walk home and get into bed, and of course promptly have great sex. Drunk sex, but great nonetheless.
I got a call from a station in Philadelphia today about a part time editor position. Actually, I got a voicemail yesterday and called back today. I told THE BOYFRIEND about it before I called back. We discussed it and he thought (or still thinks) that I should take the job because it's Philly! The #4 ranked market. I asked him seriously what he thought about it, ME going to Philly.
"I want you to be happy. I want you to stay with me, also. But I don't think that you should give up a chance to work in Philly just for me." "Do you think that this is worth it? Me with you, you and me together? A long pause while he thought about it."Yes, I do think that we are worth it together. We are pretty good, if not great together. I want you with me, I want to stay together. But if you have a chance to go to Philly for work, whereas here you don't have a job... " "Yeah, I know what you mean. Now, it's up to me to make the decision for myself."
While I waited for a call back from Philadelphia I got busy trying to get laid. So, we're both naked, he's hard, I'm just dying to get off, when the phone rings and it's Philadelphia calling me. I don't want to pick up (I mean, come on! I'm about to get laid! It could've waited until I was done), but THE BOYFRIEND tells me to answer. So, I answer, talk to the woman about the position. She just wanted to know WHY I was interested in a part time job in Philadelphia. And if I wanted to continue the interview process, here are a few things that I should know about it:
It's only a part time job, with no guarantee of moving to a full time position once one became open.
No moving expenses.
I would have to make it up there on my own dime for an interview, they won't pay to fly me up there to interview for a PART TIME position.
Only 16 hours, with a need to be on call.
So, once I heard all that and given all my information concerning myself, my current life here in Jax, and this new opportunity to be a Network Engineer, I decided to not pursue furthering the interview process with that station. When I hung up the phone, I got this stunned look from THE BOYFRIEND.
"I can't believe you gave up a chance to work in PHILADELPHIA!"
I explained my position to him (RE: the above bullet points), which made him less inclined to want to smack me across the head.
"I get it. I really do. But, I think that I may have a better life with this new thing that I'm going to be learning."
So, that's that. He thinks that I'm a fool, somewhat. But, honestly, am I happy with my decision? I think I am. I wouldn't have passed up a chance for a full time position. I've got THE BOYFRIEND, great supportive friends, I'm going back to school to learn something new. I hope this all works out for the best.
It will. I gotta have hope that I'm doing the right thing. That I didn't fuck up my future.
Wow. Here I am being all nice to him, making him two cups of coffee, and making sure he is up from sleeping in MY bed so that he isn't late to work, and he gets an attitude with me when I ask a very rhetorical question about the tea party idiots and why they don't like the President.
"It's because he's black. And they are old, white people who are still afraid of black people."
Yeah. Dude totally copped an attitude with me. I laughed about it at the time. I said to him, as he was trying to make up for it,
"I feel like it was one of those times and one of those looks when you are waiting for people to catch up to the "party," so to speak, and you were treating me like I was dumb."
He apologized profusely like usual and continued to get ready for work and I just blew it off like I normally do. But I stopped for a second as he was getting his belt on and thought about it for a minute. Then, I said to him,
"You were talking to me like I was Christina." "No! Don't even think that. If I was talking to Christina, I would dumb it down a lot for her. So, NO!"
Which honestly, it certainly did feel like he was talking to Christina, the dumb producer. And the same one from a while back: "Oh, I just remembered why I was so pissed off at her today." when I was on top of him and about to give him a blow job. Yeah. That made me feel really special when he copped the attitude with me. No matter how much I protested that I understood the difference, he could tell that I was not thinking that at all. The look on my face must've been a mix between hurt and I really don't want him to know that I'm still hurt over this. He took hold of me and looked into my eyes, apologized some more:
"Here you are being really nice to me again, doing all this nice stuff: letting me sleep in your bed, making me two cups of coffee, folding my clothes when I didn't ask you to do ALL this stuff. And here I am being a total shit head and giving you attitude because I just woke up and am angry. I am really sorry. I love you. You are too good for me and I don't deserve how nice you are to me."
I am obviously still slightly miffed about the experience but all in all, I get it. He really doesn't like waking up. I take it upon myself to make sure that when I am with him I get him up on time. I even interrupt my sleep sometimes (or rather I did) just so that he has coffee and is up on time to be out the door, all because he doesn't wake up like I do. UP and at 'em! All it took in my pre-collegiate school career was 5 minutes to get dressed and get some cereal as I head out the door. More chance for sleep that way. Don't get me wrong here, I love him still. This is just an experience for me. To have to deal with the asshole monster as he is waking up. I have experienced the asshole before, but not the just-awoken-monster-from-hell. Remember the ex-girlfriend experience? Turns out I still kinda angry about the WHOLE thing. Anger is still warranted, I'm sure. He was an asshole then. Just a different kind of one.
Meh. It's not like it's a life changing thing or whatever. Just like I told him as he was pulling out of the driveway, I'll get over it. It'll take a bit, but I'll get over it.
So, it's March 15. The Ides of March. Yeah, it has always been ominous for a reason. The day just always seems to ... be interesting.
The day started with THE BOYFRIEND being especially unhappy about work; then it got worse when he gets a very bad, mean angry call from his boss about some tease. After smoking 2 cigarettes in a row (yes, he was really stressed), he finally just ended up curled in a ball on my bed. I waited the appropriate amount of time, listened when he needed to talk, not talk when he wanted to wallow before I actually did my best to cheer him up with good ol' fashion humor and something else to occupy his thoughts other than "WORK!". I told him that I finally sat down and read Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Firstly, he didn't know that I was reading it Yeah, I planned it that way. BUT I still put little bits of clues on my facebook page to see if he got the reference. Apparently, he didn't notice it. Saturday was a weird day for him. Secondly, he could see that I wasn't as excited as he was when he read it. The way it ended appealed to him more than it appealed to me, and the ending always makes or breaks it for me. The ending of a great book is like a great time of having sex: it doesn't leave me wanting more, I am completely satisfied with everything. OR if I do want more, it's because I know that the story is complete for THAT book but not for the series. BUT talking about the book did cheer him up and got his mind off the terribleness that he had today.
Sometime after that discussion, I was seriously having an emotional breakdown for NO reason. Crying, for no reason. I mean, I've held it together this long, why am I crying now? Then I thought, OH Yeah, I'm PMSing. Then it ALL went away. Just stopped after that one realization. THEN I was bitchy at some parts of the day. But not too bad. I hope.
(Transitions are so hard these days. I mean, how the hell do you go from "I was PMSing" to "and then I sucked him off because I was extremely horny and really wanted to fuck or ... ANYTHING"? And it's even harder in the moment because he was off but I really wanted SEX. BUT how could I just ... jump him and not seem insensitive? ... Oh, that's a good transition. On with the show!)
After cheering him up a little bit, he had to go get his paycheck. As he got up to go, I just kissed him and kissed him hard, make my intentions known. Didn't have sex, went down on him. He tried to reciprocate but ... this is the one time with him that it just did't work. Don't get it; but I just went along and did my best to get off, and I kinda did. Just not what I was looking for. I was looking for mind-blowing SEX. Funny afterwards. He went to go wash his hand, and then smelled them to see if he got the scent of pussy off his fingers. I looked at him like, "Wow I didn't think people actually did that". To which he responds,
"What? I'm not going to go up to McCormick for my paycheck with pussyfingers."
I lost it then. Just doubled over with laughter. That was the funniest thing that I had heard in a long time. So awesome.
edit: the reason why this is NOT the way I usually write is because THE BOYFRIEND was here when I was typing away. And I don't mean he's asleep in my bed. He was wide awake and waiting for me to finish typing in order for us to go to GA for the weekend.
When THE BOYFRIEND came over today, it was only for a few minutes, and only to say hi, etc. As he was leaving, we talked about my moving down to St. Augustine, possibly. That we both would like it better if that happened. I mean, we wouldn't have to drive 40 minutes in order to be together. Just a jaunt down the road. He did mention something that quickens my heart just a bit, with questions abounding in my mind. He told me that one of his roommates and her boyfriend are moving in together (and her out of the house) in a few months. And he only pays $250 + utilities a month. Which is much better than what I've got now. Sorry. Then this:
"And I know that we would be spending time in either of our beds, anyways."
Now, I thought I understood what he meant then. But then I get to thinking about it. Does he want me to move in WITH him? And if so, does he understand what that means? Yes, he is a very smart guy and knows what the words mean and the theory behind it. But has he actually ever lived with someone before? (If he says Katie, I think I'll have a heart attack. *eye twitch*) I have, and it didn't go so well. Now, I'm extremely wary about doing that again. Especially so soon in a relationship. Yeah, it was with the dick EX, and I shouldn't base actual relationships on what happened with him cause THAT was a mind fucker, and still is. This thing with THE BOYFRIEND is still so new. I just don't want him or me to loose our selves and then get angry with one another because of it. Spending so much time with one person is a bit of a killer. Granted I'm going to school and he's got this crazy new schedule that it shouldn't be too much of a problem. I just like to think of ALL the possibile outcomes ahead of jumping in and doing this. That way I'm not surprised. Hate surprises.
So what if that isn't what he means? And what does he mean exactly? I need to talk to him about this, get the full picture. Cause this could be a big thing, or it's just "hey, life is cheaper in Lincolnville." Gotta figure out what to say, and more importantly HOW to say it.
As you all know by now, I like to do things for THE BOYFRIEND and not ask for anything in return. Well, when I went home for the weekend to see my family and just NOT be in town for a few days, I got my mother to make some of her fabulous cookies for him. I got into St. Augustine just as he was heading to sleep for the ... afternoon? Gave him the cookies, and we fucked a bit. It wasn't really any good. He was rather drunk/sleepy when I got there, so I wasn't really expecting anything special anyways. I couldn't sleep so I read and watched Netflix until it was time to wake him up for work. When 8 p.m. rolled around, I went ahead and made coffee for him. When I told him that I made coffee for him, he started getting all guilty about it.
"You didn't have to. You always make coffee and I do nothing for you. AND you are cleaning up my room." "Shush. I was awake anyways, and I need to do something with myself." "But I feel like such a jerk because you always do nice things for me." "I like doing them. So shut up."
He still looked like he was still feeling guilty. When he got off work, he called and I just ignored it and went back to sleep, hoping that when he got there in about an hour he would have coffee and wake ME up like I do for him, because that would be just fine with me. When I finally did wake up, it was to somebody walking in the hallway. I thought it was him. It wasn't. His roommate had made coffee and some oatmeal, which she said I could have some. And I did while I waited for THE BOYFRIEND to come home. He came home with a surprise for me. He got stuff to make french toast. Yeah. And he didn't tell me he was doing this. So when he spotted me with the oatmeal,
"You already had breakfast, didn't you?" ".... Yeah."
He just smiled flatly and said to me,
"I am going to make french toast for you, and you are going to eat it, and you are going to like it!" ".... Okay."
It was kinda angry but not MASSIVELY angry. He thought it was kinda funny (while being angry) that when he goes out of his way to be nice to me and make breakfast, I ate already. OOPS! Shows me, I guess.
For me, seeing a naked female body is not as shocking as seeing a naked male body. Sure, I've seen more naked males than females (not including myself in this), but the sight of the male "junk" just hanging there quite turns me off. So, then what is it about the male that I like, that turns me on? I've gotten very used to seeing THE BOYFRIEND naked, the sight of him doesn't surprise me. He's naked on my bed now, having fallen asleep in order to wake up in time for his very early shift start later tonight, his tush so round and ... hairy but that's not important nor does it change the game. He's sprawled out taking up the entire bed. In the purely physicality of it overall, his body doesn't turn me on in the least bit. And then he moves onto his back, and his "junk" is just out there for everyone to see. But no, I'm still not turned on. Is the male body supposed to be like that, and the female body very beautiful in order to attract a "mate" for reproduction? You know, the reverse of most if not all of the animal kingdom. If this is the truth amongst the human species, then what are the rules of attraction for the male/female equation?
When I first met THE BOYFRIEND, I didn't see him as especially attractive. In fact, not really, no. Honestly, he has no hair, glasses, a big nose, shorter than I am; so, no, not WOWZA, HOT TAMALE! But now, I can't see him as anything but gorgeous. And all that changed between us was the definition of our relationship to each other. From just co-workers (but not really) to friends to lovers. And it moved pretty fast too. I mean, one day we're just saying hi as we pass in the hallway leading to the outside, practically the next week (or at least it feels like the next week) we're on my bed and I'm trying to decide if I want to have sex with him. It was the ease of being with him that got me, honestly, the way I talked with him was like we were friends. Okay, yes, I have a lot of male friends, and I am more at ease with men than women when it comes to friendships. I have maybe 4 female friends, 2 of which are in Clearwater.
Love, or attraction as it were, knows no rules it turns out. Not among our species. What attracts one, doesn't necessarily attract another. Sure, the media industry in all it's glory puts stock in pretty girls and hunky men to sell their pages and ads, but we all know that is just face value at best. Yes, that is what the ugly girls and boys say to themselves at night, crying themselves to sleep because no one likes the look of them. As I have said many times in this blog previously, I honestly don't see why he thinks I'm pretty/attractive. He says that I'm beautiful and loves my curves. I have heard that confidence is what is sexy to the other gender. That's it's the ... "I'm sexy and I know it" look and feel of a person that really puts someone in their place. I mean, look at the super models and other "sexy" wormen. They are confident in themselves and in spite of whatever flaw they might have.
So, is that the ONE rule of attraction? It seems like it is. Now, to get some balls and start believing in myself. Lately, I haven't really been believing in myself. Trying to figure out what to do, what kind of plan to make for the future wears a person down so that they are a nub of their former self. I hope this doesn't put a damper on our relationship. I need to figure somethings out for myself. Then and only then can I start believing in myself.
Once again THE BOYFRIEND came over after his shift. And once again, I am amazed by him and by our sex together. We're lying there on my bed, just talking and cuddling, when I start to pull up his shirt slightly and raking my teeth and nails over his ribs. I know this turns him on, and he starts groaning and moaning. I straddle him and start moving my mouth down his body... Once I get him all good and ready, his arms are up above his head, underneath a pillow, that's when I decide that now is the time to do my "thing" so to speak. Right, so I'm on top, everything is fantastic, I'm teasing him with my tits, moving them closer then just when he gets close, pull away. THIS of course he doesn't like, but I absolutely LOVE teasing him (as evidenced by the pics I sent him when we first started ... whatever). Finally, I give in, and it's ... so fantastic. The teasing him, and honestly myself by denying the pleasure of that act, just makes it intense, amazing, ... just pushes me over into oblivion. He asks me,
"Can I use my hands now?" Like I was the one keeping him from using his hands all along "Yes, use them now!"
So, it seems like it was my turn to be dominating and his to be dominated. And I love doing it both ways it seems. The power of controlling someone like that, OMG! It's worth a try. Okay, enough reflection. He grabs my hips, right where they connect with my legs, in that soft place and just puts pressure there. WOW!!! So amazing. Just ... wow. After I cum, he asks me then,
"Can I cum now?"
"No. Make me cum again, then you can."
So, dominating, right? Yes, I'm totally smirking now. THE POWER!!! THE POWER!!!!! But, he can't hold out. He tried; didn't make it, however. Now I know. HeHeHe.
Sometime last weekend, after an especially good round, I said to him while breathing heavy and legs all a kimbo,
"Sex with us just keeps getting better and better the longer we are together, doesn't it."
"It certainly seems like it."
And I hope I didn't jinx us when I said that; but honestly, does it sound like I did? I think not. As for him being just a more amazing guy than I already thought, it came to me last night that he doesn't flaunt his own sexual ... desires in front of me. I mean, he gets turned on by me (obviously), but it's not like he makes it perfectly clear that he is looking at other women (and getting turned on by them), makes no mention of watching pornography, etc. Otherwise being known as a "male pig". It is like his eyes are only for me. And that makes me feel so good about myself, and our relationship. The sitch just sucks.
(Okay, behind the jump is just some rambling; nothing especially exciting.)
Alright, enough of that emo bullshit previously taking up my blog posts. Back to what I originally intended for this thing: sex. Yes, sex. The thing that creates and ultimately unites us all.
Right, so THE BOYFRIEND came over after his shift today. He immediately got naked and likewise wanted me to get naked. Hey it was hot in the house and I had just gotten out of the shower, so I did also. But there was no sex. He got hard, and here I was cuddled up to him, his dick practically staring at me. So I said to him, giggling slightly and smiling up at him,
"That's a nice erection you have there."
"Yeah, what of it? You're naked and pressed up against me. It's gonna happen."
"No, no problem with it. Just saying it's a nice erection."
After some time of it still being hard and he not doing anything about it with me, I just said to him, still smiling and giggling,
"Do you want me to take care of it?"
"MMMM yeah."
So, I went down on him. And after he came, he made the cutest/sexiest sound ever to come out of his mouth. It was a very happy moan, kind of something you'd expect from a female porn star, but better. Absolutely the best thing ever. I kinda want it to be my text msg alert for him, if i could have it recorded. Kinda like what Ms. Adler does for Sherlock (on the bbc show that is. Not the RDJ vehicle).
Now I know. That falling in love will get me nowhere but fired. And I don't blame him. I blame myself, really. It is all my fault for being foolish and single-minded when it comes to things like this. And now, I can't find a job (yes, it's only been a week); I am feeling like I'll get nowhere fast. And that things will never happen for me. I'll forever be unemployable for whatever reason. This sucks. LIFE sucks. LOVE, most of all, sucks. Yes, the thing that "lifts us up where we belong" SUCKS. Now I know why I always ran when it came to loving someone. Now I know why it is always best for me to just run and hide. That sex and only sex is what will "complete me" in the short and long run. That I can't have love and a career. And I'm not talking marriage when I speak about love. What I'm speaking about is that feeling in my heart, that overwhelming completion of my being when I connect with someone as wholly as I have connected with THE BOYFRIEND. I forget consequences of my actions, I forget everything else BUT that person and that feeling. It happened with THE EX, and it's happening now.
No, I'm not sorry that I fell in love. If that's the what you are thinking. I can't be sorry. This relationship, this man has changed me and my way of thinking. Thinking about the world, about myself, about others, about the future. On a fb chat with him today, I had said this to him,
"What would I do without your sense of ... optimism, I'm hoping is the right word here." "Well you know." "No I don't know." "<3" "I love you. I really and truly do." "Thank you. I love you too."
And I don't wanna give that up. Not just yet. I still want to be with him. After this, though, it's over. I'm over love and falling in love. I'll become a bitter, cold woman who needs no one but herself in life. It's the wave of the future. Come join the fun!
Why, oh why, do I have to think about the future so much?
