On Being Nice Just To Be Nice

As you all know by now, I like to do things for THE BOYFRIEND and not ask for anything in return.  Well, when I went home for the weekend to see my family and just NOT be in town for a few days, I got my mother to make some of her fabulous cookies for him.  I got into St. Augustine just as he was heading to sleep for the ... afternoon?  Gave him the cookies, and we fucked a bit.  It wasn't really any good.  He was rather drunk/sleepy when I got there, so I wasn't really expecting anything special anyways.  I couldn't sleep so I read and watched Netflix until it was time to wake him up for work.  When 8 p.m. rolled around, I went ahead and made coffee for him.  When I told him that I made coffee for him, he started getting all guilty about it.

"You didn't have to.  You always make coffee and I do nothing for you.  AND you are cleaning up my room."
"Shush.  I was awake anyways, and I need to do something with myself."
"But I feel like such a jerk because you always do nice things for me."
"I like doing them.  So shut up."

He still looked like he was still feeling guilty.  When he got off work, he called and I just ignored it and went back to sleep, hoping that when he got there in about an hour he would have coffee and wake ME up like I do for him, because that would be just fine with me.  When I finally did wake up, it was to somebody walking in the hallway.  I thought it was him.  It wasn't.  His roommate had made coffee and some oatmeal, which she said I could have some.  And I did while I waited for THE BOYFRIEND to come home.  He came home with a surprise for me.  He got stuff to make french toast.  Yeah.  And he didn't tell me he was doing this.  So when he spotted me with the oatmeal,

"You already had breakfast, didn't you?"
"....  Yeah." 

He just smiled flatly and said to me,

"I am going to make french toast for you, and you are going to eat it, and you are going to like it!"
".... Okay." 

It was kinda angry but not MASSIVELY angry.  He thought it was kinda funny (while being angry) that when he goes out of his way to be nice to me and make breakfast, I ate already.  OOPS!  Shows me, I guess.


But honestly, I don't do things and expect something in return.  Last week, I was pondering to myself about this situation.  It went something like this,

I like doing things for him, make him coffee, breakfast, whatever.  He doesn't really do things for me like that.  And when I did ask him to do something for me, I had to lay a guilt trip on him just to get him to do it.  BUT do I really expect something in return?  Do I really care if he does something nice for me in turn?  Mom does nice things, and has all their married life together, for dad without asking too much in return.  He doesn't show his appreciation for these things like most would expect.  They just love each other very much.  So, no I don't care if he does nice things in return for me, and I don't really expect it.  I love him very much, and he loves me.  If he wants to do things for me, then I shall be very appreciative, but I'm not going to expect them.  I should tell him that.  

Obviously, my telling him didn't go as it should have.  It's hard for me to express what I'm currently thinking.  Yeah, it should be easy.  Just say what's exactly on your mind.  THAT never goes as it should go.  What I think isn't always the best way to word things.  I'm thinking of my disastrous experience with Triumph of the Will, the Nazi Party propaganda film.  "When I saw that film, I wanted to be a Nazi."  THAT is something that ANYBODY shouldn't say.  But, ... I said it.  Don't get me wrong, it's a brilliant piece of cinematography.  I just can't believe I actually said that out loud.

Stop digressing!  

But really, I've said the stupidest things out loud that don't really make sense too much around him enough that he should know that I'm at least trying.  And it's not that I'm trying to sound intelligent around him, cause GOOD LORD, most of the time if not ALL the time he is so super smart and I just can't keep up.  At least that's the way I feel.  And he says that I'm intelligent.  Yeah, maybe more than Christina.  But a fucking pea is smarter than her.  Doesn't give me all the best confidence when it comes to that.  But honestly, maybe I do want to sound smarter than I am around him.  And just fuck it up badly.  Whatever.  I know I am intelligent.  We've just had different experiences.  AND He's a fucking sponge when it comes to things; and I am more like a ... an unstirred cup of coffee.  All the stuff is at the bottom and I need to stir things around in order for it all to come to the top.  Or like turning cream into butter, if that analogy makes better sense.  Gotta work at it, in order to remember it.

I bought one of his favorite books to read because I haven't read it yet, and it's about time that I actually read this nerd masterpiece:  Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.  I mean, he has ------------>
on his right forearm.  But I haven't told him yet I'm reading it.  I'm sure he'll be happy that I am.  I just don't want him to think that I'm doing it "to be nice".    And I don't want it to be a big deal, either.  Because it isn't.  Like I said before, I felt like it was about time that I actually READ the book.  It's short enough that I am just flying through it.