Now I know

Now I know.  That falling in love will get me nowhere but fired.  And I don't blame him.  I blame myself, really.  It is all my fault for being foolish and single-minded when it comes to things like this.  And now, I can't find a job (yes, it's only been a week); I am feeling like I'll get nowhere fast.  And that things will never happen for me.  I'll forever be unemployable for whatever reason.  This sucks.  LIFE sucks.  LOVE, most of all, sucks.  Yes, the thing that "lifts us up where we belong" SUCKS.  Now I know why I always ran when it came to loving someone.  Now I know why it is always best for me to just run and hide.  That sex and only sex is what will "complete me" in the short and long run.  That I can't have love and a career.  And I'm not talking marriage when I speak about love.  What I'm speaking about is that feeling in my heart, that overwhelming completion of my being when I connect with someone as wholly as I have connected with THE BOYFRIEND.  I forget consequences of my actions, I forget everything else BUT that person and that feeling.  It happened with THE EX, and it's happening now.

No, I'm not sorry that I fell in love.  If that's the what you are thinking.  I can't be sorry.  This relationship, this man has changed me and my way of thinking.  Thinking about the world, about myself, about others, about the future.  On a fb chat with him today, I had said this to him,

"What would I do without your sense of ... optimism, I'm hoping is the right word here."
"Well you know."
"No I don't know."
"<3"
"I love you.  I really and truly do."
"Thank you.  I love you too."

And I don't wanna give that up.  Not just yet.  I still want to be with him.  After this, though, it's over.  I'm over love and falling in love.  I'll become a bitter, cold woman who needs no one but herself in life.  It's the wave of the future.  Come join the fun!

Why, oh why, do I have to think about the future so much?