Difficult times, difficult decisions

Recently I've taken a blow to my income.  A serious one.  I still only work 14 hours per week at the repair shop here in St. Augustine.  And nothing else.  It is certainly devastating to try to live on such a small amount of income.  And lately, I have been trying to push the thought out of my mind that I am starting to resent THE BOYFRIEND, starting to blame him for MY job loss.  And I can't do that.  I can't do that to him, and I can't do that to myself.  I make my own "destiny", my own choices.  No one else.  But at the same time, ... I can't help but think those things.  It's been making my life difficult.  Tearing me apart essentially.

I've also been thinking that maybe he doesn't regard me in the same way that I regard him.  I know he works very hard, and is extremely stressed at the TV station (his boss is a complete dick ... I used to work with the guy, I know).  Maybe I'm just looking for things that aren't there.  Maybe I am just fearing something, or throwing my own negative thoughts out onto him.

I just need to get out of this slump.  Find a way to make my situation better.  I know he could care and miss me if I took a job in another city.  But maybe that is the only way I can better my situation.  Would he be supportive if I had such a chance?  Gotta try to find out.

Til then, Adieu.

Been a busy woman lately

Been way too busy to post lately.  Had to get a second job just to be able to make ends meet; this week is gonna be extremely tight as it is.  The computer repair work significantly reduced my hours and I had to go looking for another job in St. Augustine.

However, the days and hours that I spent with THE BOYFRIEND in between looking and working we wonderful. One small snag.  I've been moving slowly to St. Augustine, in between fixing my car and everything else that I had to do.  Friday, THE BOYFRIEND and I got a bunch of my stuff together, books, movies, etc.  He left them out on the back porch because he didn't have a key to get in.  When I got to St. Augustine, I went directly to his place and hung out and whatnot.  I asked him to come help me get my stuff inside the house.  At first, I said,

"Would you like to come with me?"
"Will you get mad if I don't?"
"I don't know.  I'll decide once I get there."
"Well, I am gonna be lazy."

I went to my car, took a look at all the stuff I had in it and decided that I did actually need his help.  Trekking back inside, I ask him for his help.

"Actually, I do want your help."
"Alright," he said kinda whiny.
"Let me finish my cigarette and I'll help you."
"Fine.  I'll go and you can meet me there."

 And ... I ended up doing it myself.  I actually kinda expected this to happen.  And got slightly pissed at him.  Two-three minutes after I got back to his house, that's when he decided to come help me.  I think he could tell that I was pissed at him.  He kept apologizing; and I finally explained that I kinda expected it, so I wasn't super pissed.  Kinda awkward for me after that; after that talk in Target.  But I got over it soon, and enjoyed the afternoon with him.  

Pretty damn awesome

Today on our way home, I was deep in thought.  Feeling all nostalgic about our time together and what it all has lead up to and whatnot.  And it all made me come to a complete revelation.  Right now, THE BOYFRIEND is the best person that I know.  Know personally, I should say.  I told him that as we were crashing down on his bed at 3:30 p.m., way beyond time for him to get to bed for his shift.  Leaning over him flat on his back, I bent down to kiss him and said in as sweetest whisper I could possibly muster,

"You are the best person that I know."

See, he is going to drop by my old living sitch and pick up some movies and books of mine.  He also, on Friday, didn't sleep/nap at all until 9 p.m (that's 25-ish hours).  All that time before then, he was calling AAA for a tow truck for my car (damn thing!), picking me up from work, and then driving to GA.   Yeah, he is pretty damn awesome.  I offered to drive, but he just said that he would let me know if he wanted me to drive.  For whatever reason, he just thanked me for "being awesome."  Yeah, I know; totally not needed.  I just went on kissing him, getting all hot an heavy like we usually do before going to sleep.  Really wanted him to ... know, to feel ... exactly how my heart beats for him.  Without saying those words exactly.  Geesh, that would be embarrassing.  Never hear the end of that.

On being slightly pissy

First week of the new job.  And already I like and hate it.  My boss just really doesn't know how to talk to people he doesn't know, know well or at all.  This is what he said to me, over the phone, Friday:

"So, I allow Cole to text because he works late and does a lot of extra stuff for me.  But otherwise, I don't allow it."
"Oh, yesterday I was texting because I was trying to find a ride home due to my car not working."
"Ok, alright.  Um, but I saw you.  See, um, I have cameras in the shop and I was watching you."
"Oh."
"Yeah, so don't do it."

All with this Peruvian accent, that makes him sound less like he knows what he is saying.  Also, I learned that I have a lot to learn.  And I really hate knowing/feeling like that.  It's like how I felt when I first started dating THE BOYFRIEND and he was talking about all this stuff that I really didn't know.  Yeah.

The plus side of all of this is that I am usually let go around 2:30/3p which means I can go back to the house and lay with THE BOYFRIEND as he is trying to go to bed.  Which usually ends up with me just getting him off so he can sleep, leaving me a very needy-feeling woman.  NO, I don't do anything about it.  It just sucks.

This weekend, we are at his sister's in GA.  He needed to get out of town for the weekend, get away from FL and the hell that is the station.  He had another bad week and just wanted to forget everything.  I went with him.  He thanked me for coming with him, although I still feel weird, like  I'm intruding upon their ... bond that they have.  Never really encountered a brother/sister thing like theirs before.  Maybe I have.  Just not really any my age, however.  Peas and Carrots I tell you.  And he asked if I wanted to come, not specifically for me to come.  Maybe that is his way of asking me to come with him, if I wanted to come.

This afternoon we wanted to get out the house, and because we are in Southern GA, there is practically nowhere to go.  Plus, THE BOYFRIEND really doesn't know how to get anywhere up here.  Seriously.  We drove for like 2 hours trying to find a Publix or a Target.  FINALLY found one after he gave in and called his sister for directions.  We also wanted to find a really good non-chain BBQ place.  We should've found one, we were in GA for chrissake's!  What we found was a cop bar that we didn't know was one until we entered the joint and sat down.  Awkward to say the least.

I was getting slightly pissy; I was hungry.  Can you blame me?  I hadn't eaten since breakfast this morning.  THE BOYFRIEND, however, thought I was angry at him because he didn't know where  he was going.  I really tried explaining that I wasn't angry at him.  I hope he gets that.  He probably does.

Whatever.  We are watching his sister's baby until the father gets home.

Words vs. Actions

Somebody said something to me last night that has really gotten me thinking today.  We were discussing marriage and the whole symbol behind it, whether or not it's a religious one or simply a politcal one or even just a spiritual symbol.  I blatantly said that I don't want to get married and that if I wanted to stay with someone my entire life, I don't need a marriage to have that right/privilege.  I personally don't need to prove my love and my fidelity to other people.  I agree the possibility of marriage should be equal for everybody.  THE BOYFRIEND and I agree on this issue.  And it isn't even about making sure that he (or I for that matter) stay true to one another.  Honestly, people cheat in relationships all the time and it's no less worse than if that person were married to someone.  But yes, I am a romantic.  A true romantic.  I want love and devotion and the knowledge that what I feel for somebody is returned to me.  I will do anything for my love, not to win it or to make sure I keep it.  To express my deepest emotions in some other way than in words.

“It's not what I do, but the way I do it. It's not what I say, but the way I say it.” - Mae West

Words mean nothing. Action is the only thing. Doing. That's the only thing. - Ernest Gaines

I learned those lessons a long time ago, and never shall I forget them.

However, today I was imagining what would happen if someday I do want to get married.  And not for legal ramifications either.  But for a commitment.  For something that my heart can grasp onto and know that love is waiting for me when I get home from work, or to know that someone will be beside me when I need it.  To smooth out my ruffled feathers when I get too overthinky.  And for me to be that somebody to someone.  I want that.  But do I need a marriage to have that?  I already do.  What other kind of commitment is there in life?  I'm not looking to have children, to  start a family, to settle down somewhere.  That was for my parents.  Not for me.  And I'm not even sure if I'll follow THE BOYFRIEND if he goes back to Ft. Lauderdale.  South Florida (or even Florida) really isn't me.  And he loves it down there.  Not that he has really gone many places like I have.

No, I'm not doubting or over-thinking.  I know what is, right now.  And that is what all I can be prepared for.  Not the distant future.  Right now, I'm not worried about my relationship.  I'm only worried about how many hours I'll be getting as a part-time computer repair person.  Gotta make ends meet.  THE BOYFRIEND and I have the same interests, overall goals out of life, the same feeling that our time together hasn't run out yet.  We work well together.  I can't deny that.  I push him when he needs to be pushed, and he smoothes me over.  He treats me like a human being and I don't treat him like he is a child that needs to be scolded.  Our other friends see what we have and that it is special and true.  Hell, I'm still pretty sure they saw it before we both did.

Enough waxing poetic and waning intelligence.  Time to finish folding the laundry.

Life with an overnight shifter

After that last post, I still couldn't get to sleep and THE BOYFRIEND was out cold with no wake in sight.  So I head over to a friend's house, stayed there for a few hours and enjoyed myself but still felt guilty that he wasn't there with me to enjoy everything that was happening.  When I got back, that was when he decided to wake up, just as I was wanting to go to sleep.  I took two benedryl and we watched Clueless until I apparently kicked him out so that I could fall asleep.  I don't remember that.  It probably happened.  Anyways, he was awake the entire rest of the night/morning.  I remember he even woke me up to have sex with me at some point.  Yes.  That did happen.  :)  And yes, I do think that is really fucking cute.

Another point in the morning, probably around 6:30 or 7 a.m., he went to go get donuts and coffee.  I wasn't going to go anywhere, so he asked me,

"Do you want me to bring you back some?  I'm not going to be a dick and not bring you back something."
"Well, I would do the same for you.  Not even ask.  Just to be thoughtful."
"Are you saying that I'm thoughtless?"  he said with a laugh.
"No, I'm not saying that at all.  That's just something I would do."
"I'm going to turn on the light." still smiling about the conversation.

So, I cover my head with a pillow, and he just giggles and tells me that I'm cute. (eye roll) He asks me what kind I want, I just draw a circle with a my hand.  What do you expect from me?  I'm 2/3 asleep.

"Ok, you want a circular donut.  Got it." giggling uncontrollably by now. 

I uncover my head just enough so that I can speak without it sounding like an incoherent mess and say,

"Glazed or chocolate frosted.  Really anything that isn't filled with something."

He goes, I fall asleep again, probably before he even left.  A few hours after I wake up, have a donut and coffee and then a shower, he is asleep again although I was in there for only 10 minutes max.  And that is where we stand now.  I started his laundry so that he could have clean clothes for work.  I want to launder the clothes I got Friday seeing that I got them from Salvation Army and who knows who tried them on before me.  Next load.

I'm still worried about my new job, well, really, this new life that I am starting tomorrow.  It's not debilitating, but I'm worried if I'll have enough money to be able to live off it.  Barely, but still live.  Gotta keep looking for a full time job that I'm gonna be able to live off of.  I just want it all to work out.

Why I love him

A big day awaits me.  Soon.  New job.  New place to live.  And the one thing that has been so constant in all this, THE BOYFRIEND.  It really is amazing how fantastic one person can be, that one person that makes everything so right and so possible.  I've flubbed.  And flubbed majorly.  But somehow he's forgiven me when I didn't think that he should.

Today, we went out for a round of mini-golf down at St. Augustine Bayfront, then cheese steaks.  Somehow we ended up at The Tavern where we had a couple round of beers each.  I was blitzed, yes, while he remained quite good.  At the tavern, while he was playing pinball for the second time, some chick saw me, smiled and waved, like she recognized me.  I just smiled back even though I had no idea in hell who she was.  I told THE BOYFRIEND what happened and all he said was,

"Aw, get it."  

I mean, really?  Sure, she was cute.  But, no.  Not gonna do that while I'm there with him.  That would be rude.  Or even if I was not with him.  Now, if he had said that he would be willing for a threesome, that would be a different thing.  When he was finished with pinball, he came up to me and asked me who the secret admirer was.  I just laughed and pointed her out.  HE recognized her, and promptly told me that she was a train wreck.  I'm sure I've met her before, just don't really remember it.  Whatever.  I finished my two beers and we leave after he finished.  We get home and of course we have sex.  Was there any doubt of the matter?  We drink, we have sex.  Natural course of action.

Quick change of subject.  I was much more aggressive when I came over this morning.  It was like, I'm here, let's have sex.  So in control, and having so much fun being in control.  I scratched up his arm and my tit pretty badly during it all.  Teasing him by just barely inserting him just a little bit and keeping it there.  He tried to force me all the way down, but I resisted.  LOVED the look on his face.

Back to the tale.

Afterwards, we are laying side by side in his bed and I get up the courage to ask him.  Ask him what he would think if I wanted to watch porn with him while we are fucking.  At this point I'm pretty lit and only kinda care (but I can still remember it) what I'm saying to him.  He of course doesn't mind.  Why would I think otherwise?  I know that I might feel jealous and even said so to him.  But I also said that I haven't felt jealous over him, which I like.  While we were kissing before sex (after the tavern) he looked down on me, ran his hands up and down my body and said to me,

"You are so hot."

I didn't reply, because saying that I didn't believe him would kinda be a mood killer.  But THAT is the reason why I don't feel jealous over him.  That is the reason why I thought just now that I wanna be with him for the rest of my life if I could.  If our lives do indeed happen that way.  I felt jealous over THE EX and also the-one-that-got-away.  I stayed in Jax when there was no other reason for me to stay here.  I busted my ass to get a job in order to stay here.  To stay with him.  I've done so much for him, not so that he would stay with me if I did, but because I do love him.  It's not puppy love.  It's not "I love you because we have great sex and only that."  It's in the way he looks at me, the way he touches me, the way he makes me feel so good inside, the way he smoothes me out when I get my feathers ruffled when I worry too much (especially that), the way we have arguments over Captain America and Joss Whedon and The Great Gatsby (I believe that was one of the books that I failed English with, not because I didn't get it, but b/c I didn't like it and refused to conform to the teacher), the way that I have to push him sometimes in order to wake up for work or go out and do something on our free day together, the way that he is so incredibly smart about so much but isn't a showoff.

Sometimes it takes people a long while to fall in love, sometimes it is instant.  I don't think ours was instant, but definitely quick and concise.  Not messy.  Not tempestuous, not like my relationship with THE EX.  It should, dare I say it, be considered one of the greatest loves of our life.  I know I will always regard it as such.  No, I'm not going to break into song.  That's Whitney Houston you're thinking of and the song was about loving oneself.  But what do I know?  We've been together only a few months.  Time will only tell.

The truth and the inconvenience

Good news is... I got a job.  Semi-bad news is ... Part-time, low, low pay with a possibility to get a higher pay depending on how well I am learning and doing.  But, it is a job.  No benefits, but probably lots and lots of hours (I hope), and house-calls are higher pay.  I'm so getting the pre-employment employment jitters.  Like the I hope that I am doing the right thing and this all works out well for me jitters.  And the now that I'm on different hours than THE BOYFRIEND and I wont be seeing him as much so I hope this won't fuck up our relationship jitters.  I don't think it will (the last part) because he is such a patient person and he loves me so much.  The sex won't be as often however.  But that changed since he got his own new hours.  I just can't wait to tell him!  He's fast asleep in his room.  I still have that I hope this is gonna work out well for me jitters.  This new career.  This new life that starts next week.  I don't know what's gonna happen and that is what scares me the most.  I don't know how it's all gonna work out.

So, today I'm trying to get THE BOYFRIEND to get some sleep finally.  He's all tired, but just not going to sleep.  I don't know how he is gonna fare when I start work and I'm not there to force him to put his computer down and sleep.  Well, I shut his laptop closed, he gets nekkid and I'm laying there next to him, arms wrapped around each other.  I said to him,

"I do know of one way that will get you to sleep." speaking, of course, of the knowledge that giving him a blow job puts him right to sleep.He snickers, "Well, I don't want to inconvenience you."
"And you would be inconveniencing me how?"
"Well, if I had to put someone's dick in my mouth just to get them to sleep that would be a bit of an inconvenience."
"No.  No inconvenience there."

So, yeah I did it, and he went right to sleep afterwards.  Like a baby.  So predictable.  And I wonder how a blow job would put HIM to sleep.  I mean, it's not like he's doing any work.  Must be all that pent up sexual ... whatevers that we all get.  Sure, I do know what it's like.  For example, this blog entry where I'm so fucking horny that I can't sleep but can't do anything about it because he's not going to go near me.  Men have it so easy with dicks.  Seriously.  Not having to worry about yeast or other bacterial infections, or even a big red week one week out the entire month, every month of the year.  I hope they (the straight men) appreciate what we do for them.

Yada Yada Yada.  Life moves on, so must I.  Toodles!

Work, Family, Love

There is one thing in this world that can really ruin somebody.  Stress.   Doesn't matter what is causing the stress: work, home, love.  It can really fuck somebody up.  Take THE BOYFRIEND.  A few weeks ago, I put stress on him by saying something really shitty, and there was no way that I could un-say it, even if I didn't mean it.  That fucked us up for a while.  And then when I think that he is finally over it, THE BOYFRIEND exhibits trouble keeping it up.  It could've been a combination of my err and work, or just work.  Either way, it was obvious that he was extremely stressed and the "issue" was not helping the matter either.

Friday rolls around, he gashes his head in (read the previous post for THAT traumatic event), I pass my test, we go see The Avengers and then finally fall asleep at his place.  Well, once we wake up and have sex, his family calls and keeps calling, basically demanding that he get down to Orlando for his cousin's college graduation party.  So, I came with; I didn't really want to be alone this weekend, plus my car gets better gas mileage.  His grandmother (the really demanding Italian woman from February) said she would pay for a tank of gas if he/we came.  And she did.  But overall that trip was miserable.  Nobody our age to hang out with; well, no one like us at least.  It was 30 years or more older, and 5 years or younger.  That was our choice.  What we really wanted to do was hang out at the tavern for a night.  But instead what we got was drunk and overbearing family, and what I got was some elderly man patting me on the ass before I actually met the guy.  So, yeah, he was stressed there too.  Not like we would've had sex, but it was definitely not a fun time for either of us.

And even though his previous girlfriends were all cool with his family, he somehow had the thought that I wouldn't be, because he kept saying thank you to me for being so patient.  But lordy, it's not like they're a bunch of crazies; just family that can be difficult, a lot of the time.  And, is it just me, or does that sound like not a compliment to me that he would think that?  I mean, granted I can be pretty stressed and worried  sometimes a lot but overall I just dont care enough to actually care.  Maybe he thought that because I didn't grow up in such an environment that I wouldn't be able to handle it.  Honestly, if I lived through 4 years of the db ex, I feel like I can handle anything.  Unless it has to do with the future, then I can't.

Sunday (today), when we got home, both got a shower since neither of us had a shower since saturday morning.  After the glorious shower, we had sex.  Amazing, hot sex that included collapsing into exhausted heaps on the bed afterwards.  We left for food and then Jacksonville since his truck was at my place.  I was extremely tired; so much that I was falling asleep while we were eating.  BUT instead of falling fast asleep when we got into bed, we had sex again.  Amazing, hot, glorious, exhausting sex.  When we finally could get control of our bodies again, THE BOYFRIEND exclaimed,

"I'm back!"
"It must've stress that was the problem."  

Looks like all the kinks have been worked out and I have my fabulous boyfriend back to the way we were.

Blood Everywhere

So, I'm pissed.  And I have a right to be, considering the situation.  No, THE BOYFRIEND didn't do anything wrong.  Although what happened affected him.  So, this week I've been studying hard all day and night, with only 2 hours to recoop that I gave myself each day.  Dishes in the house WEREN'T done, the place is fucking mess because the boys of the house decided that they weren't going to do shit, unless it included getting drunk every night, doing hits off a homemade gravity bong in the kitchen sink (which means that they KNEW that the dishes needed to be done, but they just moved them so they could get their high on), and going partying with their boyfriends.  And now, I'm on the verge of tears because all I wanted to do today after my test was relax with my boyfriend, go see a movie, have sex and get drunk.

So, today when THE BOYFRIEND came over after his shift, I asked him to help me since the boys were too lazy to do anything, ever.  Which he did try to help me while I concentrated on my studying.  He started to put the dishes away when he cut his head open on a cabinet door when he stood up from the dishwasher.  He yelled, came to my door with his hand on his head and blood pouring out of his head.  So, when we get the bleeding stopped, he passes out on me due to the blood loss and the fact that he hadn't eaten anything all day/night (however you want to put it).  Luckily, it wasn't a bad enough cut that he would need stitches, but he is gonna scar.  THE BOYFRIEND is fine now, sleeping on my bed finally.  I want to let him sleep, but I also know that he really wants to see The Avengers with me today, since it IS opening day and all.  I'm just gonna be worried about him until he gets a full night's sleep.

And now, I'm all pissed, stressed (even though I did pass my test, and am a certified Comptia A+ Tech).  We are totally off our groove again.  Like I said in my previous posts, he hasn't really been able to keep it up very well.  Wed he came over around like 4pm and tried to have sex, but he couldn't get it to stay hard.  Now, I'm really thinking that it IS me, that he IS still not over my spoken err from two weeks ago.  Finally he does cum, not for lack of trying.  Thursday was the only day when we actually had sex without any problems that I know of.  PLUS, we were actually going to relax this weekend and take time to BE with each other.  Who knows if THAT is actually gonna happen.  He wants me to get him up at 5 pm in order to see The Avengers, but he only fell asleep at 4 p.m.

Moral of today's adventure, don't help any one.  You are just gonna get blood everywhere.