Naked

So I did it today.  I revealed all of the shit today to THE BOYFRIEND, got really naked and vulnerable with him.  And it went well, I'm pretty sure.  I stayed the evening at his place in St. Aug, went down after my shift ended.  We had sex like two times before I showed my cards.  We were heading outside to smoke; I took him and held on tight, looked in his eyes and asked,

"We're serious, you and I, right?"

He gave me this look that read,

"Why are you asking me this?  I was sure you could tell."

But he just said,

"Yeah, we're serious."
"Just checking, making sure we're on the same page.  Cause I have something to tell you that I wanted to make sure we were at the right point and all."

Heading outside, I leaned up against the rail and just laid it all bare.

"So, remember that ex I was telling you about?"
"The one with the powder problem?"
"Yep, that's the one. ... So, for four years I was abused."

And it all came out from there, just tumbling out of my mouth.  The ins and the outs.  And he just sat there, not really offering up things, not really asking questions, except for this,

"Do you own a gun?  Do you know how to shoot one?  In case this guy comes around again." 

Answer is definately a no, but it made me a little bit better to hear that he cares.  I mean, I know he does.  It's just nice to hear it after such a revelation.  He looked deep in thought the entire time.  After some time of my vulnerableness, I couldn't take it anymore, and tried to make light of the situation by cracking a bad joke.  I could tell that he didn't like that.  But whatever.  I needed it. 

Twice today, however, I told him that I liked him, really liked him.  He didn't say anything back.  Not sure why; usually he does reply in kind.  The only thing that I can think to be the reason why is that it's moved beyond like with him.  And to hear that I only said "like" might've hurt him a bit.  But knowing him, he wasn't moved by it.  Just let it roll past him, like water off a fern leaf. 

I'm not meeting his parents friday.  More like Tuesday, as the drive through town on their way back to Ft Lauderdale.  NERVOUS.  I asked my parents to come up during my mom's spring break for a few days, so they can meet THE BOYFRIEND, as well as the fact that I get a chance to see them again.  Mom said she would ask dad, but who knows if that is going to happen.  Cause trying to get them to come up here is like pulling teeth, with anesthesia mind you; they sleep their way through my life. 

Until Monday, mon amis.  THE BOYFRIEND is going away this weekend, so nothing to add until we see each other after his shift.  Lordy, imagine THAT reunion!  Almost like it was after I got back from Christmas.  Except I'm not on my period, and we might actually have sex without a condom.  Hhhmmmm

Yeah I'm so .... Yeah

Found something out today after our second round...  we both like to be dominated during sex.  I totally smiled at that.  Not sure if that means one more reason we are good together, or if that is just going to get complicated.  We are going to have to take turns being dominated.  Not sure how to dominate, actually.  It was getting in the way today a bit.  I really just wanted him to tell me what to do, and he just wanted to be told what to do.  He said first,

"How do you want me?"
"Anyway that I can."

He was lying down on his back, plus his back had been hurting today, so I just got on top.  After a few minutes, he said to me,

"How do you want me?" 

In my head, I'm thinking,

just fucking take me already. 

But I just said out loud to him,

"OH, I'm just going to ride you like this, then I want you to turn me over and take me."
"oh yeah?"
"Just turn me over and fucking take me.  Take me hard." 

So, he did.  And OMG!  After he came, we collapsed in a very sweaty, exhausted mess together.  Which is when I said to him, between finding my legs again,

"If you can't already tell, I like to be dominated during sex."
"Yeah, so do I." 

I have no idea if I was doing the dominating then, or being dominated.  Either way, I think it worked.

The Circus And Beyond

Friday was a double date at the circus.  The boyfriend and I went with a married couple, the same couple whose house party it was last weekend.  Well, anyways, they all came in one car to pick me up; the boyfriend having gone back to st Aug after his shift while I finished mine off.  I'm throwing clothes around my room looking for the right thing to wear.  We are all going dressed up, sunday-ish best.  I try on this black pencil skirt, with a white long sleeve shirt, top button not buttoned, and a tight, small vest.  Hot, right?  Yeah, I know.  My roommate wanted me to tuck in my shirt.  Ain't happening.  No way.  I don't tuck my shirt in except for an interview.  Instead of the skirt, though, I decided on a pair of black pants.  Still hot.  When they get there, he's in the front seat, and I have to sit in the back.  Totally ruined my drive to the arena.  But whatevs.  I'll deal.  At the circus, he's mostly talking with the woman with us.  I'm getting jealous.  Not because I think he's into her.  No, because he's talking to her and they have lots of things that they have stories about.  He's known her for a couple years, has lots of things to remember, and of course their huge knowledge of music.  And then there is me.  Known him for about two months, and most certainly do not know music trivia.  I just want to have good times with him too, that aren't sex.   I want to be able to have times like that with him.  I know I just gotta wait for it.  It'll come on its own. 

After the circus, he stayed with me overnight.  I worked at noon saturday.  We fucked two times before I had to go in to work, and I loved every minute of it.  No spanking though.  Roommates were home and they were sure to hear it.  Hearing sex is one thing, but hearing sex spanking is another.  After my shift, I gathered THE BOYFRIEND and we went back to St. Augustine. 

We smoked out and then fucked.  Well, we fucked but he couldn't cum, so the condom came off.  But it was almost immediately after that he was looking for another one.  But he couldn't find one!  Of course!!  Right when we need it the most, we can't find one.  So, I sucked him off; I have no problem going down on him.  Especially when sex is fantastic as it is with him.  We rule!  I came twice in a row!  HELLO!  Fucking amazing when that happens.  A funny thing happened about, oh, three hours later I found a pack of four condoms in the same box that he hunted repeatedly through for them and came up empty.  He looses things, I find them. 

Later that night, we were both drunk and horny.  So we tried again.  He was amazing as always.  But him being drunk and also it being the fourth time that day, he couldn't cum.  I hope that doesn't give him blue balls, having to give it up and then wait until we fuck next.   During sex, we couldn't stop fucking, even when tired and exhausted.  It felt so right and so good.  We already know that sex is phenomenal together. 

Overall, it was a great weekend, despite the amount of time that we actually got to spend together.  He wants me to come down after my shift and before he has to go to bed before his shift.  I'm debating on whether I want to do that or not.  I probably will.  But then there is also tomorrow, where I don't have to work (but he does).  We can still spend a much longer time together tomorrow than today. 

Another thing, he's been calling me "baby" a lot.  "Hello, baby."  "I just came out here to see my baby, and give her a kiss."  Etc.  Not sure how I feel about it.  Never been called "baby" before.  It's all new to me.  I like it, but, also, do I really need to be given the sweetheart nickname that is "baby"?  I call him "darling", "sweetheart", and "honey".  So why can't he call me "baby"?  I'll allow it to pass go and collect $200. 

Why is it that whenever i am around THE BOYFRIEND'S Ex I get horny as fuck?

I've been a bad girl...

Two things today that stand out in my mind.

First, THE BOYFRIEND and I were smoking out after sex this morning.  I was coughing, the smoke really kills the lungs sometimes.  Well, I farted.  Yes.  And he heard it.  And made fun of me for it.  I laughed too; damn straight, I was high.  Well, the 1st time in front of the signif other is always embarrassing, but I'm rather glad it happened.  OH, I'm still not going to be comfortable farting in front of him, for a VERY long time.  Month and 1/2 dating, yeah, still not comfortable with all sorts of bodily noises when it comes to him.  I like him too much.  Is that weird?

Second, he brought it up.  Spanking.  YES.  I am very happy girl.  I think.  Cause I'm not sure how he took my reaction.  We were getting dressed to go outside, and I don't remember why I said,

"Are you going to spank me?"
"Do you want me to?"
"..."  accompanied by a very innocent smile
"I'll make a note of that.  It's always very touch and go with that.  Can't just bust it out during the act itself.  All sorts of things could go bad."
"Yeah, I could see that."

So, spanking in the future?  I'm thinking yes.  But the answer to that wasn't cut and dry.  So I'm hoping for yes.

interesting buying selection

  I dont know if you can make out what the items are, but... what is wrong with this receipt?

The return of the exes (another EXTREMELY long post)

This is going to be kinda disjointed; I'm trying to piece together everything that happened this weekend, and a lot happened.  So bear with me.  There's a lot to process.  

Okay, funny thing.  THE BOYFRIEND is napping when I get to his place friday.  I disrobe and crawl into bed with him; sometime later, he rolls over, reaches across me to pull me closer and says,

"I just want to fuck."

I'm just about to die from laughter.  But I can't laugh.  I don't want to wake him up, he looks so cute sleeping.  When he finally does wake up, I told him what he said and continually laughed at him periodically throughout the night.  

Saturday, we wake up, have sex at some point in the morning, watch Bill Hicks before I have to head in to Jacksonville for my shift.  When I GET to work, however, I was told that I'm not really needed, like at all.  So, I stay for an hour, get some stuff done.  Then, leave.  I get to St. Augustine again, his best-friend-from-like-forever is there.  We go to the tavern, of course.  Where else would we go?  Eh, it's a great bar with great people.  I'm not complaining.  It's funny.  

So, at The Tavern, THE BOYFRIEND and I were hanging out with the really old friend of his.  Apparently, it was an "Hey, I really like this girl, I want you to meet her and give your approval" hangout with the-best-friend-from-like-forever.  And, as usual, I passed.  He told me several times after I first met this girl at his house that she likes me, and that her approval of me means so much to him.  Which of course means a lot to me.  What they (and by they, I really mean her) were checking was if I was gonna care (read: batshitcrazy) if he hung out with his friends who are mostly girls.  I told her,

"I'm secure enough in how I know HOW he feels about me, and that you guys are NOT like that, to not care about how you two act together."

Okay, so I've had a few posts in which I've doubted that, but she doesn't know that.  And honestly, I don't care how he acts with his female friends.  It is mostly WHY does he find me attractive kind of doubts.  Not, OMG he is flirting with other women.  OMG!

Hilarious moment of the night, however, was when he leaned in to give me a kiss and tell me how much 1) her approval of me means to him, and 2) that he really likes me.  He called me by an ex's name!!!  Now, many girls would be totally offended by it.  I just acted offended and waited patiently while he apologized profusely.  The ex's name that he called me was "Jewel", so same starting sound.  When I started to feel bad for him, I told him,

"It's okay.  Go to the bathroom.  I'll be right here when you get back.  Don't worry.  I'm NOT going anywhere."
"Okay, as long as you are still going to be here."

When he came back, we cashed out.  At the bar counter, he apologized profusely again.   I just said to him,

"Hey, I've forgotten it already."
"No, you haven't."

Which, honestly, I hadn't but I'm not going to say it to him, when I really just thought it was hilarious.

"Yes, I have.  Don't worry about it."

He stopped apologizing and we went to go drop off the friend at her house and get some dinner before settling down to watch the wrecking of Tebow by Tom Brady and The NE Patriots.  We only saw the first half.  The BOYFRIEND took two bites out of his sandwich, before he passed out on the couch.  I could not wake him at all.  So I just put away his sandwich and head upstairs to sleep.  He came upstairs at some point in the night and we sleep until about 7/8:30 the next morning.

We have sex, like, three times Sunday.  Once in the morning, once in the afternoon, and once in the early evening before the going-away-shindig that evening.  Space it out.  We don't get all sore, and everyone is happy throughout the day/night.

All i gotta say is thank god i like him so much.  cuz im dying inside from embarrasment.

Omg!! Foot in mouth incident: just introduced self to the boyfriend's ex. TRAINWRECK! more on this later...

Thank you.

Sorry about the last post everybody.  I was feeling really vulnerable and shit just came rambling out of my mouth, and I just needed a place to put it.  Write it down, get it out of my head.  That seems to be the only way I can truly see my folly.   Write it down, only to have it spouted angrily back at me by a true friend.  Thank you, DrugstoreCowgirl.

On a better note, I'm about to head down to St. Augustine to spend another wonderful weekend.  Make it a good one people.  I know I will.

Seriously fucked up

THE BOYFRIEND is sleeping over tonight.  He's gotta work at 1 a.m., and since I have the next few days off, I said he could sleep here.  When he came over, no one else was here in the house.  I was feeling good, sexy even.  I just cut my hair; the left side of my head is shaved down with a number three guard, so the rest of my head still has hair, just not that side.  He likes it, so I'm feeling even sexier.  We have sex; great sex, loud sex.  I really do love fucking him.  I feel beautiful and crazy hot.

But that is not the point.  One of the roommates came home, along with an ex-roommate.  She was having a bad day with her girlfriend, the really high-strung and petty one.  So, we all get high together.  I'm feeling good, laughing and joking.  An all around good time.  But it's soon after that I start to get really self-conscious and start over-thinking and doubting what THE BOYFRIEND thinks of me.  We are driving to get food, fast-food too.  I see my reflection in his truck mirror, and all I can concentrate on are the flaps of fat and skin dangling from my arms.  This makes me even more self-conscious and hate my appearance even more.  We eat and then come home.  All the while what I have in the back of my mind is,

"How the fuck does he find me attractive enough to say that I'm beautiful and enjoy fucking me?"

It makes me think that THE EX is right; all I will ever be is just a hole to fuck, that I am never going to be pretty enough for some one to actually find me attractive, and mean it truly.   It seriously fucks me up enough that I'm faking orgasms a few minutes later while THE BOYFRIEND and I are getting hot and heavy.  Oh, I get plenty wet.  My mind is just seriously fucked right then.  I have NEVER faked an orgasm with THE BOYFRIEND.  NEVER.  It's also gotten to the point that I can't fuck him until he cums while I'm on top.  We have to switch.  What, what, what?  I feel like a let down.  I was able to ride him until I collapse on top of him, not noticing whether he came or not.  But now, all I can think about while I'm on top, is that I look fat and that is why he can't come.  Because I am just another hole to him, and he can't bear to look at a fat girl riding him.

Yes, I know that I am not fat.  I need to loose a few pounds, maybe, but a few is all.  Like the title says, it's seriously fucked up.  I'm seriously fucked up.  And here he is, tiny and skinny, and having a great fucking metabolism.   I can't eat like him, even though I really don't want to have to have something different than what he is having because then I would be making him go out of his way for me.  And I hate doing that.  I like going out my way for others that I really care about.

I am rambling.  This isn't about the hair either.  I love the hair choice I made for myself.  THIS is about me not trusting how he looks at me, and treats me.  That I am NOT just another hole for some guy to get his rocks off with; that he genuinely cares about me.  We wouldn't have come this far, been like we are with each other if he didn't feel like he says he does.  And I know this.  I just don't feel it right now.  That is the point, and the problem.

About 4:30 into this video, is how I know all us girls feel.

Stupid weed.  Making me think.  Grrrr.

What I'm thinking now:

What I should be thinking now:

Not the strangest, per se

The strangest thing was said to me by THE BOYFRIEND today.  He's leaving to go back to St. Augustine and we're standing by his car. I tell him to drive safe, I don't want him to die.  I literally used the sentence, "I don't want you to die."

"That is the sweetest thing anybody has ever said to me."

That's strange, right?  I mean, it's such a normal thing to say to someone, even if you aren't dating the person.   I mean, dude must not've dated the right kind of girl who actually cares about someone.  He alludes to such every now and then.  I think I've got him beat with exes with problems, but I'm not giving the full story just yet.

Oh, and he asked me to meet his parents and grandparents later this month.  For lunch.  Yeah, things are moving quite quickly.  I can tell he's getting quite attached to me.  I'm rather okay with that.  Yeah, fuck okay.  I'm fucking beaming from ear to ear!

Worth the Wait

The theme for today: it was well worth the wait.  THE BOYFRIEND and I spent the past two days NOT having sex at all.  And by sex, I mean actual penetration.  And upon the actual act today, we both agreed it was well worth the wait.  Firstly, he came over for a brief respite before having to go back to the station for a "mandatory" meeting with the news director.  We didn't have sex then, but the tension was ENORMOUS.  We're laying on my bed in each other arms, bodies wrapped around the other.  Kissing ensued, then touching.  He starts kissing my breasts and kneading them, and I'm grinding my crotch into his while he does this.  When it gets to be too much and I'm about to just tear off his clothes, I say,

"You're killing me."
"I'm killing you?!  You're killing me here."

After a short while of this occurring, I practically shove him out the door because he really needed to leave so he wouldn't be late.

"Yeah, I definitely coming back before I head down to St. Augustine."

As he walks to his car, I watch him go and just think to myself,

"Wow, he is amazing and hot right now." 

While visiting with a friend today, I noticed something that I am SO thankful for.  Her girlfriend, while sweet and caring, can be a petty, high-strung chick.  Sorry, girl.  BUT you know this to be true.  So I sent a text to THE BOYFRIEND,

"So I'm sitting with my friend, who is complaining about her gf, the one she hasn't fucked yet... And it just makes me so glad that you are the way you are."
"What, horny a lot?"
"Well, that too lol :)  but I meant not petty."

And it's so true.  Don't get angry, darling!  You know I mean it in the best way.  Just ... be happy you made in onto my blog.

A quiet morning, when I really didn't want it to be quiet

Hilarious moment of the day:  THE BOYFRIEND is touching my legs and tush, obviously turned on and wanting sex.  I'm not wearing my panties and he moves his hand to my crotch.  I know I'm extremely wet, but he doesn't.  When he gets there, he just looks at me, smiles and says,

"Whoa."
"Yeah."
"I did not know."
"Yeah."

Which is alright with me cause it just makes things easier when he starts fingering me and rubbing my clit, getting me to climax with just his nimble hand.  But it was hilarious to see his face when he realized what he does to me with just his ... hand on my body like that.  Of course, we didn't do anything neked, cause the roommates were up and I really didn't want to be quiet this morning with THE BOYFRIEND.  But everything else was FABULOUS!

We were laying in bed, just cuddling and slight kissing, he whispered to me,

"This is what I like."
"Yeah, this is definitely the best."

I whispered back.  It's nice to enjoy the small things in a relationship.  To know what it is that are really enjoyable with each other, to know how to make the other smile and laugh, and to do it without outright thinking about it.  Like it's second nature.

I told THE BOYFRIEND a little more about THE EX today.  Over waffles at Waffle House.  And coffee.  THE BOYFRIEND likes coffee now, and it's super shocking.  I don't think he had any cola today at all.  Back from digressing, what I told him were my experiences when THE EX was drunk.  There wasn't the

"What the fuck was this chick doing with this dick?"

look.  More like what he said was,

"Do you know how to use a gun?"

Although, I'm hoping he's not thinking that I'm going to go crazy on him.  I mean, I really haven't yet, but I think that the thought is forming, if not there already.  How we got to that topic was he had said

"It's weird when I'm drinking and you just have one beer and spend the rest sipping water."

My response to that was

"I am just used to being the one who has to drive, and be the sensible one, and also pull his ass out of bars when things are about to get dicey."

I then showed him the cigarette burn on my arm and say to him,

"This is from when he was drunk one time." 

To which I got the above gun response from him.  But I can't worry about what he is thinking in regards to all of this, because so far it hasn't affected our relationship negatively.  He still looks at me in this amazing way that just brings about a wonderful glow to my entire being.  He still smiles when he sees me shimmy and sing along to songs like I do.  He still kisses me the same and holds my hand the same.  On and on; everything he does and says just ... is such a far cry from THE EX and even farther from how he treated me.  It's going to be really easy to fall in love with him.  And I'm not thinking about running to a galaxy far, far away.  More like, I really, really wanna stay and fall in love with someone who deserves it.

What am I gonna do?

Oh the weekend again

What a great weekend.  I dont know where to begin.  So many discoveries and great times.  We did nothing, no plans, didn't give a fuck what happened.  Ok, so the beginning.  When I got down to St Augusting Friday, I was wearing a skirt.  Wearing a skirt is pretty rare for me these days.  As a child, I wore nothing but skirts and dresses.  I loved the feeling of being a female that wearing skirts and dresses gave me, so pretty and ... well, feminine.  Not that I knew what being feminine WAS as a ten year old girl, but when my mom wore dresses I noticed that she looked like she felt like a woman, a beautiful person inside and out.  Friday, I wore a skirt because I was feeling pretty and nostalgic.  THE BOYFRIEND and I (tee hee, I still get all giggly when I call him my boyfriend) fucked and then slept for like 4 hours.  Woke up about 10:30 and went down to the local pub for drinks with (his) friends.  I met this guy called Irish Dan; dude is totally from Ireland.  Accent and passion and all.  Drunk, we went to a philly cheesesteak place and manuevred our way around the cars and people to get our most delicious cheesesteak sandwiches.  MMMM  So delish!  Real Philly style.  We ate it back at his place, after which I passed out on the couch while watching Aliens. 

We woke up, he was getting handsy, so we fucked again.  I have to say, I have never gotten so wet with guy before, so quick, especially after just waking up.  It must be because I really like him and feel so comfortable being myself with him.  We walked around downtown St. Augustine, he gave me a "tour" of Flagler College.  At some point in the conversation I mentioned that I was applying for editing gigs out of this market.  He got quiet and only commenting briefly, very unlike him.  I know how he feels.  That I don't want to go, things are so great with him and it will be a heartbreak if I do leave.  I hated reminding him that things with us are so temporary and that I will probably leave him to go have a career.  It just happens that when I am looking for a job to leave this shit hole of a state and station, I find him, someone to make me wanna stay and foster this relationship, a relationship where I can belong and learn to love.  This town reminds me of THE EX everywhere I turn, and everything that happened between us.  I needed a break from all those memories of that Machiavellian psychopath.  And I got it, just not as I intended. 

Wow, it's gone by so fast

One month.  Yep.  He brought it up first.  Not me.  One month since this crazy ride began.  And we've spent almost every day together since then.  Neither he nor I are complaining about that.  It's been good.  A bit off now and then, but still good, wait ... great actually.  His exact words were,

"What day is it today?"
"The fifth."
"I just realized that it's been one month since I came over for Kids In The Hall, and then sex.  It's been a good 30 days.  Here's to another 30 days."

We were at the local Waffle House getting our grub on, after a nap and wake-up sex (which my roommate heard and then QUICKLY exited so I could get "louder".  Ooops.).  I told him that I would plan my cig breaks at work when I saw him stroll by (well, before 4am at least).  Or even go out again even though I just came back in from one.  Just so we could flirt a little more that day.  Hey, he started flirting with me first!  I think that was about 2 weeks before the Christmas party.  I had no idea WHAT was in store for us.  Pretty sure he didn't either.  I remember our exchange the day before the party.  It was definitely obvious that he was into me.  It started with a compliment about my hair, which was just cut.  Then he said,

"I hope they got my RSVP to the Christmas Party tomorrow.  Are you going?"
"EEHHH, nah, I don't think so."
"Lame.  You should go.  It'll be fun.  I'm just going to show up even if they didn't get it."
"Still not sure.  We'll see."
"LAME!"  

He said to me, laughing.  We parted; I went to the kitchen to get some water.  He came in to the kitchen "to get a coke from the vending machine."  Yeah, right.  He just wanted to see me again.  Kicked the machine because it was supposedly down.  Eye-rolls allowed.  Go ahead, I did it too.  Eventually I broke down and went.  But he didn't know I was going until he saw me there.  When I saw his female friend with him, I think my face fell and my heart almost stuttered.  It wasn't until later that I found out that she was married, to someone else obvi.  I caught him looking at my tits a couple of times.  THAT made me feel better.  Cause then I knew for sure that he wanted me.  At least for sex.  The rest is ... the blog.  Documented carefully and deconstructing everything that goes on.  Hope you enjoy.  I hear good things from all of my friends out there.

Today was a good day.  (Almost) Every time we went out for a smoke, we got to be alone.   Which we so enjoy because then we can kiss and stand really close, close enough for our breaths to mingle.  Oh, he also wants me to meet his family that is coming up for his birthday next month.  I said,

"Are you sure you want to make that step now?  Meeting the family?"
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure.  I'll show you the crazy family and it'll deflect attention off of me."

That wasn't supposed to sound like he was being a dick.  Because, yeah, it was a little bit.  But I don't think that was his intention.  More like hiding behind the dick-ness for what he really has intended.   I just laughed it off.  We are way too similar for me to NOT understand what is going through his mind a lot of the times.  There are times, yes.  But overall, I get him and I think he gets me.

Once More Into the Breach, Dear Friends

Definitions of breach: 

1. a hole in something that is caused by something else forcing its way through
2. a failure to maintain something

Both of these can correspond to what I was thinking today as I told THE BOYFRIEND part of what I went through with THE EX.  He asked why I don't like The Motley Crue, because, yes, they are bad, but that's part of the reason why he likes them so much.  So, I told him,

"You really want to know why I don't like The Crue so much?"
"Well, you don't have to tell me."
"You asked so I'm going to tell you.  The ex, that I wasted 4 years of my life with, got coked up and extremely drunk a lot, played his guitar to nothing but The Crue, and I really want those memories stricken from my mind.  And every time I hear them, I am reminded of those times in my life that I wasted on that bastard, when I really don't want to be reminded."

He gives me this look that basically says, to me at least,

"Wow what a nut job. Why did she stick around with such a dick for 4 years."

Valid question, yes.  But one I don't think I can ever answer satisfactorily, even for me now.  And even just telling him about those times, I sent myself down the rabbit hole.  But not too deep.  I really wanted him to just touch me, hug me, kiss me after telling him that.  SOMETHING.  I needed to feel like he still cared about me, that he didn't care about my past at all, so that I would feel more comfortable going into all the more gory details about that relationship with THE BOYFRIEND at some point in the future.  But he didn't.  NOTHING.  We were in bed, trying to sleep, when he starts touching me.  To me it seemed like it was an afterthought.  As I'm on top of him, THE BOYFRIEND looks into my eyes and says,

"You are so beautiful."

That melts me, and I lean down into him and whispered very sincerely,

"Thank you."

I hope he understood what I meant, and why what he said meant so much to me.  I want to ask him, but I feel like it might be too much.  That's a whole lengthy conversation that I'm trying to avoid due to the fact that I don't want to seem vain/narcissistic. 

We went back to the car dealer today.  It was so funny; a black salesman spotted THE BOYFRIEND and me waiting around.  Being a male, I'm sure THE BOYFRIEND thought that he would be approached first.  That's what salesmen generally do, approach the male in a couple first because they assume that HE is the "breadwinner."  Just like when we are at a restaurant together, the waiter/waitress assumes that we are on one ticket and that HE is going to pay for it.  I knew what was going to happen.  The salesman approached ME first.  Black men LOVE me,  I mouthed to THE BOYFRIEND and he just thought it was so funny.  (Then again, we went to the dealer high.  Good thing too.  Don't know how we would have lasted as long as we did if we weren't high.)  It's the TNA.  Yeah, I don't have HUGE tits, but they still stick out prominently, and I do have "baby making hips".  It's still funny to think about, especially THE BOYFRIEND's reaction to it.  I was lying in his bed, before we went to the dealer, my pants off and just my thong on.  He looks at my ass and says,

"Look at your butt.  It's so nice."

I don't think I have that nice of a tush, but eh, what do I know.

I was thinking the other day, and this goes out to all my lady friends that read this, everytime I SEE a penis (even if I have seen the same one before...), I think that it looks weird.  Especially when it springs out of pants/boxers as they are being pulled down, the penis all stiff and thick.  It's like I'm a virgin and this is the first time I'm seeing a penis in person.  Because diagrams in sex ed don't count at all.  I wonder if (straight) guys feel the same way with vaginas... Hmm.  Eh, they probably don't because they think about them so much. 

THE BOYFRIEND and I were doing a crossword puzzle today.  There were some that I got, but he corrected me on some, too.  I felt so stupid and idiotic next to him.  I mean, He was in Gifted for god's sake!  And all I can attest my intellect/intelligence to is honors classes.  Eh, I'm sure there are things that I get that he doesn't.  Philosophy, French, ...  I can't think of anything else.  My head full of a smokey haze, I said to him,

"I sometimes feel so stupid next to you.  You just know so much that I don't."
"Um..."
"I was paying you a compliment."
"Huh.  Well, I just don't usually hear 'I sometimes feel so stupid next to you' spoken as a compliment."

Why is it, that the human race, when high, say shit that they normally wouldn't say?  Some might say it's the low inhibitions.  But I say it's high confidence that what we are saying actually sounds good.

At least this time I went down the rabbit hole with THE BOYFRIEND I got out pretty quickly.  It wasn't a deep rabbit hole, and I think he noticed that and responded adequately.  He's learning.  Maybe there's hope in the future for an actual lasting-ish relationship.

... A Toddler Could Drown In My Panties

The amount of time that we are spending together came up last night.  THE BOYFRIEND brought it up.  We are spending quite a lot of time together.  But since HE brought it up, does this mean that he is wanting less time together?  Not sure.  Today (tuesday) is a day that we are not going to see each other.  Shouldn't be too bad.  It's not like when I went home for Christmas.

THE BOYFRIEND came over yesterday after his shift, so he could crash.  He had a hard time producing a 2 hour news program that he usually doesn't produce,  and had felt like he crashed and burned the whole program.  I did my best to soothe his psyche, but knowing that he lives in his own head like me, I knew that no matter what I said, he needed to work things out in his own head.  At about 1ish, we left for St. Augustine.  We cleaned out his car to take it to a dealer so he could trade it in for a better car (that car was SHIT!).  We get it all cleaned out, turn the key to the ignition, and.... click, click, click.  Battery isn't starting.  Pounding on the steering wheel and dashboard, we called one of his friends to come give us a jump.  Yeah, that didn't work either.  SO, we gave up on trying to start the car.  As we are parting from the car, the girl that came and helped us out said,

"Make sure you listen to the boss."

Meaning me.  Which prompts the following from him,

"I should never have introduced you two."

Yeah, it's the same girl from the office holiday party, and the NYE party just this past Saturday.  She and I both laugh.  I tell him,

"You know that if you HADN'T introduced us, I probably wouldn't be here now, with you."
"Yeah, I know.  I would just be the weird, new guy sitting in the corner of the newsroom."

After dealing with the car, we get high and get ready for bed.  But OF COURSE, we really want to fuck instead of sleeping.  And then, I want to fuck AGAIN, right after he finishes; obviously the quick and dirty fuck didn't satisfy me all that much.  Plus, for being high, I was exceedingly wet and I want to use it to the best of my capacity.  He doesn't come the second time; I really wanted to see him cum again.  It is the most amazing "Oh" face.  He apparently likes watching my face, right after I cum.  Don't' know what he sees there, but he gets all excited and smiles really big.  We exchange the usual,

"I love fucking you."  "You feel soooo good."  "You are fucking incredible."

, etc.  And then I hear something that that piques my interest, mostly because I didn't hear it very well.  It sounded like "I love you."  But it was rather ... pause-y.  So he could have put other words in there that I certainly didn't hear.  I didn't say anything back;  I wasn't sure what he said.  Fuck putting myself out there like that until I know.  Already experience THAT with the boyfriend and it certainly wasn't good.  He has been giving me the look a lot lately, and saying

"You are so amazing and so nice to me."

What would I be?  A bitch?  Everyone deserves someone to be nice to them; reminds us that we are human.  We all fail and make mistakes, but so do computers and machinery.  So, why is failing and making a mistake going to remind us that we are human?  It's not.  Be nice to someone who deserves it today, and all days.

Ringing in the New Year Right

Alright, New Year, new boyfriends, new friends.  It was a good weekend.  Friday didn't start out very well for me.  Car wouldn't start before I left for work.  Turns out that I needed a new battery cable.  THE BOYFRIEND and I repaired the car ourselves, even though I knew what I was doing about half the time and he didn't know what to do at all.  And it's a damn good job too!  After that 2 hour job, we left for St. Augustine and to finish his moving.  Which was exhausting.  No nap in between can be hell on a person.  At his old apartment, I'm taking all his stuff down the narrow, steep stairs.  He looks at me and says,

"You are so incredible.  I owe you like three beers for this."
"OH that's nonsense!  We both know we can't afford that.  BUT I will take a night of great sex."

OH. MY. GOD.  When we had sex after that, it was AMAZING.  It was quick, but I came soooo hard.  I swear that he is absolutely amazing.  THE BOYFRIEND just fits, perfectly.  Hits the right spot, fills me out.  And he's totally into the rough stuff.  Murmured throughout,

"Bite me.  Scratch me.  OH GOD!  You are so fucking incredible!" 

An embarrassing moment:  He had me on my knees, from behind, when my vagina decides to just ... make noises, like a really nasty, wet fart.

"Omg, that's so embarrassing."
"I dont' give a damn about that."

We were completely exhausted after that.  We crashed hard on the living room sofa.  Slept for like 10 hours or close to it.  His roommates were loud, drunk and crazy; but we didn't hear a thing.  It was great!

When we woke up, we have quick morning sex.  Just to wake up and then on down for breakfast at the local Cracker Barrell.  While eating my pancakes, some of it missed my mouth a little bit.  I tilted my head back to try and get it before it went on me.  THE BOYFRIEND just looks at me and smiles.

"I think your childlike exuberance is the sexiest thing."

I blushed, my cheeks getting all hot and red.  Personally, I thought that head tilting thingy is more like a dog trying to eat, and not like a child at all.