Down The Rabbit Hole: Seriously fucked up

THE BOYFRIEND is sleeping over tonight. He's gotta work at 1 a.m., and since I have the next few days off, I said he could sleep here. When he came over, no one else was here in the house. I was feeling good, sexy even. I just cut my hair; the left side of my head is shaved down with a number three guard, so the rest of my head still has hair, just not that side. He likes it, so I'm feeling even sexier. We have sex; great sex, loud sex. I really do love fucking him. I feel beautiful and crazy hot.

But that is not the point. One of the roommates came home, along with an ex-roommate. She was having a bad day with her girlfriend, the really high-strung and petty one. So, we all get high together. I'm feeling good, laughing and joking. An all around good time. But it's soon after that I start to get really self-conscious and start over-thinking and doubting what THE BOYFRIEND thinks of me. We are driving to get food, fast-food too. I see my reflection in his truck mirror, and all I can concentrate on are the flaps of fat and skin dangling from my arms. This makes me even more self-conscious and hate my appearance even more. We eat and then come home. All the while what I have in the back of my mind is,

"How the fuck does he find me attractive enough to say that I'm beautiful and enjoy fucking me?"

It makes me think that THE EX is right; all I will ever be is just a hole to fuck, that I am never going to be pretty enough for some one to actually find me attractive, and mean it truly. It seriously fucks me up enough that I'm faking orgasms a few minutes later while THE BOYFRIEND and I are getting hot and heavy. Oh, I get plenty wet. My mind is just seriously fucked right then. I have NEVER faked an orgasm with THE BOYFRIEND. NEVER. It's also gotten to the point that I can't fuck him until he cums while I'm on top. We have to switch. What, what, what? I feel like a let down. I was able to ride him until I collapse on top of him, not noticing whether he came or not. But now, all I can think about while I'm on top, is that I look fat and that is why he can't come. Because I am just another hole to him, and he can't bear to look at a fat girl riding him.

Yes, I know that I am not fat. I need to loose a few pounds, maybe, but a few is all. Like the title says, it's seriously fucked up. I'm seriously fucked up. And here he is, tiny and skinny, and having a great fucking metabolism. I can't eat like him, even though I really don't want to have to have something different than what he is having because then I would be making him go out of his way for me. And I hate doing that. I like going out my way for others that I really care about.

I am rambling. This isn't about the hair either. I love the hair choice I made for myself. THIS is about me not trusting how he looks at me, and treats me. That I am NOT just another hole for some guy to get his rocks off with; that he genuinely cares about me. We wouldn't have come this far, been like we are with each other if he didn't feel like he says he does. And I know this. I just don't feel it right now. That is the point, and the problem.