Once More Into the Breach, Dear Friends

Definitions of breach: 

1. a hole in something that is caused by something else forcing its way through
2. a failure to maintain something

Both of these can correspond to what I was thinking today as I told THE BOYFRIEND part of what I went through with THE EX.  He asked why I don't like The Motley Crue, because, yes, they are bad, but that's part of the reason why he likes them so much.  So, I told him,

"You really want to know why I don't like The Crue so much?"
"Well, you don't have to tell me."
"You asked so I'm going to tell you.  The ex, that I wasted 4 years of my life with, got coked up and extremely drunk a lot, played his guitar to nothing but The Crue, and I really want those memories stricken from my mind.  And every time I hear them, I am reminded of those times in my life that I wasted on that bastard, when I really don't want to be reminded."

He gives me this look that basically says, to me at least,

"Wow what a nut job. Why did she stick around with such a dick for 4 years."

Valid question, yes.  But one I don't think I can ever answer satisfactorily, even for me now.  And even just telling him about those times, I sent myself down the rabbit hole.  But not too deep.  I really wanted him to just touch me, hug me, kiss me after telling him that.  SOMETHING.  I needed to feel like he still cared about me, that he didn't care about my past at all, so that I would feel more comfortable going into all the more gory details about that relationship with THE BOYFRIEND at some point in the future.  But he didn't.  NOTHING.  We were in bed, trying to sleep, when he starts touching me.  To me it seemed like it was an afterthought.  As I'm on top of him, THE BOYFRIEND looks into my eyes and says,

"You are so beautiful."

That melts me, and I lean down into him and whispered very sincerely,

"Thank you."

I hope he understood what I meant, and why what he said meant so much to me.  I want to ask him, but I feel like it might be too much.  That's a whole lengthy conversation that I'm trying to avoid due to the fact that I don't want to seem vain/narcissistic. 

We went back to the car dealer today.  It was so funny; a black salesman spotted THE BOYFRIEND and me waiting around.  Being a male, I'm sure THE BOYFRIEND thought that he would be approached first.  That's what salesmen generally do, approach the male in a couple first because they assume that HE is the "breadwinner."  Just like when we are at a restaurant together, the waiter/waitress assumes that we are on one ticket and that HE is going to pay for it.  I knew what was going to happen.  The salesman approached ME first.  Black men LOVE me,  I mouthed to THE BOYFRIEND and he just thought it was so funny.  (Then again, we went to the dealer high.  Good thing too.  Don't know how we would have lasted as long as we did if we weren't high.)  It's the TNA.  Yeah, I don't have HUGE tits, but they still stick out prominently, and I do have "baby making hips".  It's still funny to think about, especially THE BOYFRIEND's reaction to it.  I was lying in his bed, before we went to the dealer, my pants off and just my thong on.  He looks at my ass and says,

"Look at your butt.  It's so nice."

I don't think I have that nice of a tush, but eh, what do I know.

I was thinking the other day, and this goes out to all my lady friends that read this, everytime I SEE a penis (even if I have seen the same one before...), I think that it looks weird.  Especially when it springs out of pants/boxers as they are being pulled down, the penis all stiff and thick.  It's like I'm a virgin and this is the first time I'm seeing a penis in person.  Because diagrams in sex ed don't count at all.  I wonder if (straight) guys feel the same way with vaginas... Hmm.  Eh, they probably don't because they think about them so much. 

THE BOYFRIEND and I were doing a crossword puzzle today.  There were some that I got, but he corrected me on some, too.  I felt so stupid and idiotic next to him.  I mean, He was in Gifted for god's sake!  And all I can attest my intellect/intelligence to is honors classes.  Eh, I'm sure there are things that I get that he doesn't.  Philosophy, French, ...  I can't think of anything else.  My head full of a smokey haze, I said to him,

"I sometimes feel so stupid next to you.  You just know so much that I don't."
"Um..."
"I was paying you a compliment."
"Huh.  Well, I just don't usually hear 'I sometimes feel so stupid next to you' spoken as a compliment."

Why is it, that the human race, when high, say shit that they normally wouldn't say?  Some might say it's the low inhibitions.  But I say it's high confidence that what we are saying actually sounds good.

At least this time I went down the rabbit hole with THE BOYFRIEND I got out pretty quickly.  It wasn't a deep rabbit hole, and I think he noticed that and responded adequately.  He's learning.  Maybe there's hope in the future for an actual lasting-ish relationship.