Not much going on in this one.... Just a forewarning

It's been a few days.  I've been busy looking for job; can't find anything that is going to suit me, or that I'm sure will hire me.  Such is my luck.  Nothing has been going on with THE BOYFRIEND lately.  I mean, things ARE great.  There's just nothing new to report.

OH I got his birthday present in the mail Monday, Spiderman Loves Mary Jane.  When I gave it to him, he smiled so big.  It really made his day a lot better.  That and I listened to him when he needed it, too.  When he told me that he's not used to his girlfriends listening to him, I just said,

"Well, you better get used to it.  Cause that's what I do."

He must really have had sucky friends, much less girlfriends, for him to be extremely happy when all I did was listen to him.

Today, when he came over after his shift, he walked in on me looking at a job posting for something in Peoria, IL.  He got kinda upset over that.  I just told him,

"Look, it's a job.  I need a job.  I have family there, I could live there rent free for a while with my really cool aunt.  Do you really expect me to wait around until you leave for me to find another job?"
"No.  It's just that it's fucking Peoria, IL."  

And while I understand the ... unexcitedness (if that's even a word) from him about the posting I was looking at, I'm totally right in what I said to him, and even for applying for the job.  Okay, I know he wants to go back to South Fl.  I don't really like South FL, but if I got a job down there and he did as well, I'd be more than happy.  But that's only IF we both end up down there.  Anyways, it's too early in the relationship to be thinking about such ideas and possibilities.  Yeah, things are going great.  But pretty soon my crazies are gonna show en masse and he might not like my crazies en masse.  You know, extreme obsessiveness, insecurities, ramblings, talking out loud, etc.  Sure, it's not "daddy issues", but they are certainly crazies.  You might call them "quirks."  Or maybe I'm just trying to find a reason for him to break up with me in the end.  Other than his or my leaving the other behind somewhere, that is.

Speaking of breaking up, we were talking about this one reporter who broke up with his girlfriend over text message.  THE BOYFRIEND SAID,

"He really should have just broken up with her by not returning her phone calls."
"Is that how you are going to break up with me, by not answering my phone calls?"
"Well, since I'm the one that calls you mostly, yeah, probably,"  he said with a smile.  And then,
"No, I'm not going to break up with you.  I don't want to break up with you."

I'm constantly thinking about what I might say to him, and how it would/could come off, and then rewriting it in my head so that it doesn't make it sound like I'm coming off "angry,"  or something else negative.  It doesn't work all the time.  My damn mouth just spits things out randomly.  For instance, today we were walking to get something to eat in downtown St. Aug.  We constantly ran into each other because he would turn to go onto a side street and I wouldn't know that he was turning.  So I said,

"You gotta let me know where you're going.   Sometimes you are off in your own little world and forget that I'm here."

He got this guilty look, to which I say,

"I wasn't trying to make you feel bad.  I was just simply stating a fact.  That's all.  Don't worry."

Saturday night, THE BOYFRIEND asked me if he was doing a good job of cheering me up.  To which I replied,

"Yes, of course you are.  But you don't have to try to cheer me up."
"I know I don't.  But I like to see you smile, so I'm gonna do that."

AWWWWWW.  So cute.  Yeah, I know.   Another thing that is totally cute that I forgot to mention, while at the Tavern for his birthday he puts on

because he knows I like it so much.  And then he smiles at me.  I take it to mean that he wants me to "be his girl."  I hope that is why he was smiling at me.  Or that he was drunk.  Could be both.  

Overall, things have been tight between us.  Due to the loss of job and his feeling somewhat guilty over it.    But we're working through it.  I just hope that we can get past it and move on with our lives.  

What did I just do?

Well, I lost my job today.  THE BOYFRIEND and I aren't taking it very well.  I cried a lot, still am crying.

He came over after his shift ended.  I was in my car, on the phone with a friend, in tears.  He came up to my car and just held me.   After that, we sat on my stoop, crying together and holding each other, wishing this hadn't happened.  That of course once we found each other, I had to go and fuck it up.  His own fb post said it all:

"No. Fuck you.  I'm keeping this.  The one good thing to happen to me lately.
I'm keeping it."

Down in st Aug, I tried not to cry, tried not to think of the possibility of leaving him, leaving here, leaving all of the good people that I've met, friends that I gained.  He took me to the Tavern to help me feel better.  But we didn't last long.  He had been up for around 24ish hours by then.  At the Tavern he looked at me and I can tell that he was pondering something.  So I asked him.  

"Actually, I was wondering what you were thinking."
"You really want to know what I'm thinking, really what I've been thinking all day?   Are you prepared for this? "

He adjusts in his seat, "preparing" to hear what I'm about to say to him, to put it all out there on the line, heart, mind and soul.  And I had been wanting to say this ALL day, and trying to figure out HOW to say it.  Plus, I was getting all hot in the face like I was blushing, but without the actual flush.  So, I continue.

"All day I've been thinking that .... I think... I've fallen in love with you, and I don't care whether you feel it, feel the same because ... it doesn't matter."

To get the picture in your head of HOW it went down, I wasn't looking at him for the first part of that; but when I said "and I don't care...." I turned to face him and looked him in the eyes, trying to make it poignant.  His reply,

"Yeah I've been getting that vibe from you for a few days now."

Now, don't start to be a hater.  I tried not to look him in the eyes after that, because that was all just posturing.  Of course it doesn't matter; I am what I love not what loves me.  I would still like to hear it after I just put it all out there on the line.  We looked at each other, he smiled and whispered to me, "I love you."  Which made me smile and hold him and kiss him, and whisper

"We'll figure it out."

We were quite giggly together after that, holding hands and smiling at each other.

After we came back from the tavern, we made love again.  This time instead of what we normally would've said to each other, he whispered to me,

"You are so beautiful.  I love you."
"I love you."

And that was that.  I know, the way I just put that is soooo romantic.  "And that was that."  Geesh, girl.  I feel that he means it, and that he isn't the type to say it to me first (after the initial, of course.  I had to be the brave one) if he didn't feel it.  You know what I mean.  As Buffy Summers said in Hush, "Fortune favors the brave."  And I say that he isn't the type because as he was leaving for work, and we're saying goodbye, he said it again to me, first.  I was hoping that it wasn't a fluke, that he wasn't just delirious from lack of sleep, wasn't just caught up in the moment.   Which he may be, the idea of my leaving affecting him in this way.  To be vulgar, 'shit or get off the pot'.  No idea.  Time will fucking tell.  I just hope that I can stay here.  With him, while I can.

I asked a (former) coworker of mine to keep an eye on him today, to make sure he doesn't snap.  Which may or may not happen.  And to tell me how it went today.  

Nothing like a scare...

Well, it looks like we might have to deal with leaving each other sooner than we thought.  And certainly not under the circumstances that is ideal.  Saturday I didn't go to the station; instead I went to THE BOYFRIEND's birthday thing with his family.  This morning when I read my work email, I get a one sentence email from my department boss,

"Were you at work Saturday?"

Ya see, I put down that I did work Saturday.  Yeah, I know;  I don't need to be lectured on the finer points of lying on your timesheet.  Which is what prompts the concerning atmosphere surrounding the two of us.  So, I told him when a bunch of us went out for a smoke, early on in his shift.  He got so worried.  The look on his face really said it all:  he didn't want me to have to leave.  He's "attached" to me, and if it was someone else in the station, he wouldn't care, but me, he's "seen me naked."  He reallly knows how to express himself when it comes to feelings.  Such a little boy sometimes.

He came over after his shift.  And we boh laid there in my bed, clinging to each other like it was our last night on earth together, kissing sweetly and expressing our thoughts and feelings to each other.  I practically had to drag it out of him.  He likes me and doesn't want me to go like this.  That we are finally in a good groove together and my leaving would fuck that up.  He asked me if he makes me happy; and he does.  He really does.  I told him I haven't been this happy since high school.  And then we made love.  Not fucked.  Not had sex.  It was making love.  It was sweet and slow and wonderful.  It was like we were falling in love at that second and nothing in the world could stop us.  There was more to the afternoon with him.  But that's for me and him.

He kept looking at me like it was the last time in the world he was going to see me.  And it wasn't going to me.  But it was amazing.  And it took me back to when we first started seeing each other.  To what made me feel so happy in the first place.  There's nothing like a scare to see how you really stand with someone.

BOYFRIEND's Birthday Weekend

Sunday (today) is THE BOYFRIEND's birthday.  His father's family came up and had a nice campout.  See, his grandfather's birthday is shared with him, so they always do something together for their birthdays.  THE BOYFRIEND really wanted me to be there with him, probably to distract from himself all the questions that they were bound to hound him with.  BUT they didn't, because his sister brought her baby, and they were ALL about the newborn.  It was really quite funny.  We both kept looking at each other and smiling, sharing the "I'm so glad that's not me" moment.  But more on the family later, I've got something ... ahem, juicy to tell y'all.  Somewhat. 

Alright, so we didn't have sex Friday night after having dinner with his parents.  He got a bit handsy with me, like always, when I rolled over and had my backside up against him.  What?  I sleep on my left side so much better; I wasn't actually trying anything.  I didn't do anything, just kinda laid there, seeing if he was going to notice that I wasn't responding to his touches.  And he didn't notice.  So I just went down on him, and then went to sleep.  Yeah, it was sexy time, alright.  I'm so rolling my eyes at that.  ANYWAYS, the next morning, I'm up for sex but he just doesn't notice.  How blind can a guy get?  I mean, really!  So finally, as he is about to leave and I'm lying there on the bed, I pull him down with me and get handsy myself.  Obviously, that's the only way he'll get the picture that I want to have sex.  Right, so we get into it, he pulls out to get a towel, and looks down at himself and sees my blood.  So we try to get back into it, but he's totally going limp; from the sight of my blood, my red, healthy blood.  I'm getting pissed at this.  Apparently, he's squeamish at the sight of blood, but only if it's red.  If it's dark, he's fine with it.  I think it's adorable, but I'm still pissed because I haven't gotten off yet.  I can tell that nothing is going to happen, that he's going to be stuck on the red tide coming from me.  I told him,

"As soon as this is done, it's on.  You better be ready for it."

Okay, his family.  His grandmother on his father's side is extremely Catholic and Italian and is all about her religion, and is really pushy about it (sounds familiar).  His aunt is also really annoying; she treats everyone like they are 5 years old.  THE BOYFRIEND and I patiently waded through all this nonsense until dinner and cake.  At one point, while some of the fam went to church, we smoked out in the camper.  I smoked way too much, and was all dizzy and tired.  I laid down in the camper for like an hour until the spinning stopped.  He came in three times to check on me.  The first time, he asked if I was ok.

"Yeah, I'm fine.  I'm just ... really, really tired."

He smiles at this, and I take it to mean, omg, this girl cannot hold her smoke; what am I gonna do with her? So, I tell him to

"Shush.  Stop laughing at me."

The second and third time, he came into put a blanket on me and then to take off my glasses.  AWWWWW.  How sweet is that?  Doesn't have a fucking clue about certain things, but he's damn sweet. 

At dinner, I'm eating my chicken (really good chicken from the grill by the way), his grandmother turns to me, looks at my coca cola and asks,

"You don't drink?"  she has this disgusted look on her face. 
"Yeah.  But not right now."  Like it was obvious that I didn't want to have a "beverage" of some kind while I was eating. 
"Hmmm."

Sometimes I do, but I was tired and didn't really want to get "buzzed" at dinner.  I'm fucking chowing down on my chicken and his mom fucking calls me out,

"See, Joan knows how to do it.  She chowing down, grab and go.  Joan fits right in with this motley crew."

I blush at this, but continue on with my food.  His mom also calls me out about my two of my tattoos (the ones that can be seen) at dinner, as I'm sitting next to his grandmother (an avid anti-tattoo person).  THE BOYFRIEND just says,

"Nice going, mom.  Calling her out like that."

But I guess she (the both of them) didn't notice either comment, so we continue eating.  Food, chit chat, then cake and presents.  It was so funny, when they were opening up presents they put the two of them next to each other; both the grandmother and the annoying aunt insisted that they sit next to each other and open presents.  He's looking at me, I'm laughing, he flips me off for laughing at all this.  Then motions and mouths to me,

"You are number 1."

I just laugh and smile at him.  But he got the idea that I was happy and willing for him to be patient with all of this.  Finally, he gets up to leave because being there is really exhausting, and we both don't want to deal with it.  He thanks me for being so patient with all of it, and I just comment,

"Whatever.  I don't mind.  I'm not going to make you take me home, and have you come back here.  That would be a dick move."

We go back to his place, planning to meet up with his sister later at The Tavern, and fall asleep until about midnight.  There were no missed calls from his sister, so we just go to the tavern by ourselves and celebrated his birthday with a few drinks (I bought his drink as part of his present, the rest of it is a toothbrush and toothpaste.  What?  He needed them anyways...).  I'll have to get him something better later.  I don't know what yet.  Maybe Spiderman loves Mary Jane.  Yeah, that's what I'll get.  It'll just be a belated present.  Back to the night, we got home and we both get handsy.  According to him, he owes me from before.  I don't dispute it, but I wanted to say to him,

"No, you don't have to owe me today.  Not on your birthday."

But I leave well enough alone.  He obviously felt really bad about earlier.  I like him like this.  Making him humble and slightly guilty.  His demeanor towards me changes and he gets all sheepish.  It's adorable.  This time, we fuck in the dark.  But it's still great; nothing special though.  Just straight up missionary.  And then we fall asleep, next to each other, arms wrapped tight like we didn't want the night to end.  Yeah, I like it when we are like this.  Doesn't everyone?  It's rather ...   a change of pace from when we are awake most of the time.  At moments like this, I get the feeling that I do matter to him, that he feels the same for me that I feel for him.  I'm probably expecting too much when I want to feel like these moments all the time.  Excluding when we are working.  I get that.  Especially from a temporary relationship like this.  And that is what it is, temporary until either of us get a job elsewhere and move away from the other.  That, honestly, is what I'm dreading, and what I keep pulling away from.  But I'm constantly brought to the present by the moments that I'm currently experiencing with him.  That's good for me, the one who constantly lives in the past and the future at the same time, to be brought back to right now.  I just gotta live like this all the time, and not just when I'm with him.

While on fb, wishing him a happy birthday, I couldn't really say on his timeline what I wanted to say: Happy Birthday.  I'm gonna fuck you until you fall asleep.  So I opted for a fb chat line to tell him.  Message received! 

The day after

Right, so yesterday was bad for the first few hours of the day.  But ... after I changed my phone number and fielded calls and texts from people wondering WHY I had to change it ASAP, things got better.  I fucking danced my heart out to music blaring from my computer, singing at the top of my lungs (it was Gaga's Telephone that I was belting) and not caring if someone heard me.  I WAS supposed to hang out with a friend and get drunk/stuff my face, but she had to cancel due to work.  So, I just went down to St. Augustine where I stuffed my face and drank three beers (oh yeah, I'm an alcoholic).  THE BOYFRIEND absolutely loves the fact that I get drunk off of two-three beers.  I was so out of it that I forgot to pay for my drinks.  I'm sure it was hilarious for THE BOYFRIEND to watch. 

When I got to St. Augustine, I was also out of it, serverely exhausted to the point of hyperness and giggling incessantly.  THE BOYFRIEND thought that was funny too.  But I needed a nap, so we napped for about 2 hours.  I woke up and was ready for the rest of the day.  But AGAIN, I couldn't wake his ass up.  I was about ready to head down to The Tavern without him, when I decided that 1) I don't really want to go there alone; and 2) that would be a mean thing to do.  So, I tried waking him up again.  I succeeded after about 5 tries, and 40 min after I woke up.  We left to stuff our faces with yummy cheesesteaks sandwiches and then for me to drink to drown. 

While we were drinking, we were discussing when to set our alarms to wake up.  I told him that I would wake up with the alarms, kick him out of bed then go back to sleep.  Wasn't going to make coffee for him.  He gave a pouty face.  To which I replied,

"Eh, I'll probably make coffee for you.  Then go back to sleep."
"Yeah, because you like me."
"I do, and you are using that to your advantage."
"And you use the fact that you are cute to your advantage all the time."
"Oh really and how do I do that?"  I said laughing

He just shrugged and we dropped it. 

After getting home from drinking my three beers, we were lying in bed  and cuddling up against each other and drifting off to sleep, he asked me

"Are you happy?"
"Yes, I am really happy now."
"Do I have anything to do with it?"
"Yes, you have a lot to do with my happyness. ....  Are you happy with me?
"Yes, I am really happy with you."

I don't know why he asked that.  Can't he tell that I'm happy with him, that he has a lot to do with it?  I opened up to him, much later.  You know, what I had been thinking and feeling all this week concerning us.  Really putting my heart on the line to him. 

"I'm really falling for you.  And I'm confused about it."
"Why are you confused?"
"Well, because I have these feelings for you and I don't know what to do.  We are both going to continue to look for work elsewhere, but I don't know if that's right for me, right now."
"Are you happy and enjoying yourself right now?"
"Yes, of course I am."
"Then you should just let yourself enjoy it and don't worry.  I don't want to tell you what to do."
"And I'm not expecting you to.  I'm just saying what I'm thinking, what's been in my head all week."

And this repeats.  I mean, I don't know why it is that guys feel like if a woman presents a problem to them that they gotta solve it.  If I want a problem solved I'm gonna ask "what do you think?"  or "What should I do?"  Finally, after hazily realizing that I'm not going to get anywhere with this, I just tell him

"Look, I've been told that I keep things inside myself, my feelings all held inside."
"Yeah, I've noticed."
"This is just me opening up to you, to try to let you inside what I'm thinking and going through."

Yeah, I tried opening up to him.  And all I got in reply to that last statement was,

"I like you."

DUUUUUDDE.  THE BOYFRIEND obviously has no clue what to say sometimes.  Like I've said before, he's young and a guy.  I just rolled over and went to sleep.  Later, when his alarms went off I got up to make him coffee, feeling really terrible and hung over, leaving him to sleep a bit longer.  But I made him coffee.  Woke him up, got him out of bed, and then went back to sleep.  You know, sometimes he's should get up to make me coffee when I need to be at work and he doesn't.  I feel like his mother sometimes.  When I got to work today, he thanked me for making him coffee, telling me that I'm amazing for doing so.  I just replied,

"Yeah, I know.  Just as long as we are on the same page about that."

WORST DAY EVER

So there is something inside of me.  And I don't know what it is.  It's not an illness.  Unless you want to call it a "mental" illness.  Cuz it could possibily be just that.  But I don't know how to describe it.  My feelings for THE BOYFRIEND.  I know it's not "like", or "really like".  Could it be love?  Nah, I don't think so.  But it's getting there.  So what is that called?  This welling up of ... hope and affection for this person, this human being.  It's not a blind affection, the kind that you get when you first start dating someone and everything is new, and everytime he looks at you and you get all a flutter...  I know enough about him and his "negatives" to say that it isn't "blind." 

We went out to breakfast after our shifts.  THE BOYFRIEND took one of my comic books with him and read it in the car.  Yes, practically "ignoring" me the entire drive.  When we get there, I'm just giggling at him reading the book, waiting for him to put it down so we can go in and eat some breakfast.  He smiles, flicks me off, closes the book and says,

"Just becaue you are cute doesn't mean that you can use it to your advantage." 
"I'm not using it to my advantage.  I'm just laughing because I think this is funny.  You wanna take it in with you, read it at the table?"  getting all red in the face
"No, I don't want to be caught reading a Waffle House.  You know how that goes."

We eat and chatter a bit.  He complains about his day and I dutifully listen to him and comment when needed.  He looks at me very adoringly and smileyWhen we're all done and paid for, we leave; he reads the book again on the ride home.  THE BOYFRIEND drives back to St Augustine and I get ready for the rest of the day, cleaning my room and cooking food.  He came back around 3:30, read the rest of the comic book (apparently, it's very good and he finished it very quickly.)  While he is reading the book, he says to me,

"I am the worst.  Reading your book before you get a chance to."
"Oh yeah, you're the worst.  If reading my book, falling asleep, and the Christina thing means that you're the worst then... wow.  So, no, you're not the worst.  In fact, you are quite the opposite.  This I can handle."

The pot roast I was cooking finished and we ate and watched Die Hard.  I gave some of the scraps to the dog, a big ol' shepard dog and put some water in his bowl.  The dog drank the entire bowl in one sitting.  And when I put him in his cage while we are chilling in my room, the dog throws everything up.  Yep.  It's all orange and chunky too.  ....  Excuse me.  I'm getting nauseous just thinking about it.  ....  A piece of it fell on my foot, my bare foot, and I almost blew it right there.  THE BOYFRIEND nicely asks if there is anything he could help with.  I just said that he could help me with the trash.  Now, I had put all the nastyness in a bowl, easy collection and disposal.  THE BOYFRIEND saw it, grabbed the trash bag and booked it outside, where the dog was and had thrown up again.  I head outside and see a blur as he runs past me and away from the house, holding back his own vomit.  When it's all cleaned up, I yell at him over by his truck that it's all cleaned up and he comes back.  Oh boys, can't handle a little nastyness.  But of course, us women HAVE to handle it.  We "take care of" babies and all their needs, so of course we are supposed to be able to handle dog vomit.  GEESH! 

Lying back on my bed, getting ready to sleep, we get handsy again.  This time, I can't handle it.  I gotta fuck and now!  So we do the deed and it's actually not bad, the mess.  No blood.  Which makes me wonder if that means that I'm pregnant or not.  I gotta remember to test when I get home today.  Afterwards, lying in my bed nekkid, he strokes my back and says to me,

"I like you."

At this point, I'm thinking two things at the same time.  1)  I love you; and 2)  Is that all?  Just "like"?  But I just look at him, smile and don't say a thing.  HA!  See how he likes it when I don't respond! 

Valentine's day

 Valentine's day.  A day meant for celebrating love and our relationships with a special person.  I have a very special person that I could spend the day with and be all lovey dovey.  And what did I do for Valentine's Day?  I ate ice cream with oreos and peanut butter cups.  Alone.  Yeah, yesterday was a major let down even if I think that it's all just bull shit.  THE BOYFRIEND came home from the station and we're lying there on his bed, getting cosy and comfy, making out and getting handsy.  I'm just starting that time of the month, so we're not gonna fuck (even if he's okay with it, I'm not there yet).  I'm on top, kissing all over him, really trying to be sweet and loving, when he just comes out with

"Oh, I just remembered why I was so pissed off at her today."

HER being Christina, this really idiotic producer on our shift.  I mean, the girl has NO brains whatsoever.  If the executive producer for the morning shift has to sit in the control booth and WATCH you run the show, you're an idiot and you're doing something wrong.  My problems with her aren't just about her idiocy, but also the fact that she basically just took over MY friends and MY spot with them at the station when she took over my editor position last year.  It's a jealousy thing.  Back to the boyfriend and his absolute bad timing.

"What?!  You're thinking about HER when I'm here getting ready to go down on you?  WOW!" 

Yeah, he apologized profusely for that.  So, I just started kissing him again and said,

"You should forget that.  I'll help you forget that."

I'm way too nice for him, and way too amazing to put up with something like that.  And he knows it too.  But wait, there's more.  The awesomeness that was yesterday doesn't end there!  Right before we started making out, my stomach started rumbling and then growling at me.  He wasn't hungry, having just eaten a few hours ago at the station.  So, we started kissing and getting handsy.  AND after all the above bad timing, I'm ready to eat.  But like right after he cums, he falls asleep.  I had already told him that I was going to go back home about 2:30, 3:00 so I could sleep longer in my own bed before my shift and have clean clothes to wear to work, and I said that he could come stay with me.  BUT HE FELL ASLEEP.  So I made my own food, listened to NPR's Fresh Air interview about J. Edgar Hoover and the history of the FBI (great interview btw), went upstairs and he was STILL asleep.  I woke him up to tell him that I was leaving,

"Yeah, so I'm leaving now.  It's time for me to go home.  I had invited you to come up and stay with me, but you obviously ... don't want to.  Goodbye, sweetheart."  kissing him lightly on the cheek

He was awake, slightly, gave me a sad face and then rolled over and went back to sleep.  And... I left.  Yes, I was slightly pissed about all of that.  I went to Walmart and got some ice cream, oreos and peanut butter cups and had myself a great valentine's day feast, watched some of my shows, then went to sleep.  Apparently he woke up about 5:00, tried to call and text me, twice.  I only got the text, and ignored it. 

When he got to work this a.m., as we were walking back from smoking outside, he apologised,

"I am so sorry about falling asleep, especially after you had just said that you were hungry.  When I woke up, you were long gone.  And I just thought to myself, oh man!  I am the worst.  I am so sorry."

"Yeah, you were."

I smiled at him, and laughed and just went back into my cave.  Later, he came by again to go outside with me, I said to him,

"You do realize that I am so nice about this whole Christina thing and the falling asleep thing?"
"Yeah." with a guilty, sad look on his face
"Okay then.  Just checking." smiling and laughing

I told him that I even woke him up to tell him that I was leaving, that his eyes were open when I told him, and he doesn't even remember that.  He looked so guilty about the whole day yesterday, and I feel bad-ish about making him feel guilty and rubbing it in, too.  Wait, not really, no I don't feel guilty.  So, he's gonna get some things done today and then come up to "ignore me in my own bed."  LOL  He's really gonna have to make it up to me.

More emo bull shit

Last night when we are both not high or drunk, I told him how I feel about him.  I didn't bring up the issue of the long distance thing (that I did make a decision on.  More later in the post) or say the three words.  I just told him,

"I really like you.  I hope you know that."
"I do know it.  You're great."

And I just snuggled closer to him.  But honestly, thinking back on it.  "You're great"?  I don't know how to take that.  I had been PMSing all day, just in a real funk, you know, and I'm sure it kinda came off badly.  I like that he thinks I am "great".  But that isn't what I was looking for from him.  I wanted something a little bit more substantial.  He's like me, I think, in that it's hard for me to express in words how I really feel, especially if there's the possibility that I'm going to get hurt.  Last night, a friend of mine texted me that she really liked the last entry.  That "it feels so much."  This is part of the conversation,

Her: "I feel like you are on the brink of some big decision and I like knowing how you feel about it in a very real way."
Me: "Right.  Bc I'm so guarded with my emotions."
Her: "I'm sorry if I come off as campy."
Me: "Not campy.  And I always thought I wore my heart on my sleeve."
Her: "Just because you are blunt does not mean you can't hide your feelings.  I love you because you are blunt."

So maybe I was wrong almost all my life when I thought my heart was on my sleeve.   I am blunt with things, just not my heart.  Yep, I'm a Cancer through and through it seems.  I want to tell him wholly how I feel about him.  No, not express love in any way.  That I'm gonna keep to myself.  But, ... maybe express in words the elated feeling I get when I see him or think about what he does to me; and that if I ever have some internal insecurities that he always knows somehow what to say and I don't have to say it or act like I do have these thoughts inside my head, he just seems to know; that we are comfortable with each other and that means a lot to me.  But it's also v-day and it would be very, I don't know, expected to say something like that and cheesy also.  I just know that I'm going to explode if I don't get it out.  So I guess that's why this blog exists.  So I can get out all my emo bullshit and just experience all the "wonders" of being with someone that makes me feel this way, to sound bit cheesy for a moment.

Alright, so I did make a decision concerning the long distance thing.  Sort of.  Possibly.  Maybe.  Eh, I still don't know.  Well, here's what I'm thinking so far.  No, I'm not going to be aggressive or passive aggressive.  I talked it over with a friend who knows us both, the girl from the Christmas party.  And she told me to not worry about it until it happens.  And I know that I shouldn't worry.  But my insides are all a twisty over this still.  Less twisty than yesterday.  But still kinda twisty.  I just wanna see him right now.  And I know that when I do, all these thoughts are just gonna fly outta my head.  Because he is going to be there for me in a quiet, unassuming way that he always is to me.  Le sigh.

 I just put in my finished application for the community college.  And, well, I'll see if I have to cross that bridge soon.  I'm going to continue on with my life.  Enjoy my time in this city with him and then when I get a better job opportunity, then that'll be it.  Because the way I'm figuring it right now, it's not love if he's not willing to try the long distance thing with me, to see this relationship through.  I think he's afraid to feel it.  To acknowledge it.  I'm willing to compromise with this.  But he isn't.  I may have already compromised a bunch of times.  I just want all of this to go away and stop being so complicated.

So that's all there is to it.  I'm about to shut myself off from him because that is all that I know how to do.  Hide.  I know I am.  I can feel it.  I'm rather wishy washy, aren't I?  In the paragraphs above I'm all "Yeah, I'll just enjoy my time while I have it."  And then, just now, it's "I'm going to shut down."  Help me, please.  I need to be coaxed out so that I don't hide, shut myself off and just walk my way through the relationship like a zombie.

Soy un perdedor.

Irrational Heartbreak

Heartbreak never felt like this before.  Yes, I have had breakups where I am sad and very lonely for a while.  But it's never been so bittersweet, and so confusing; and feeling angry about it is so irrational to me.  No, we did not breakup.  We are still dating each other and quite happy together.  RIGHT NOW.  I asked him about the possibility of a long distance relationship, if one of our careers took us to a different city.  And he told me that he is not going to be in one.  The last one he tried didn't work out so well.  Okay, the girl cheated on him.  I wanna tell him,

"Look, jackass.  Just because this girl couldn't keep it in her pants doesn't mean that I can't."

He could just not trust himself and/or myself that either of us are going to keep in it our pants.  So, the idea that at some point we are not going to be together, that I am wasting my time being with him really grates me.  And there are two possible ways that I can approach this oncoming anger that I have over what I am feeling.

The future is just a complicated game

I was talking with a fellow cave worker of mine about THE BOYFRIEND, about how fast things seem to be going and how I'm confused as to what I should do concerning career prospects and my future with THE BOYFRIEND.  He told me that I just need to be forward with him, to just come clean and ask him what he feels about us and the possibility of a future with him.  And I wanted to yesterday after my shift ended.  But it never happened.  I need to do it when both of  us AREN'T inhibited by substances.  I know I'm falling for him, and I need to know how he feels about the future of ... us.  We're both really happy that we got together, that we "happened."  His friends really like us together, too.  But what does that mean for our future?  When is the best time to ask him this?  I know that he isn't going to bring it up, that I need to be the one who does.  Thinking about the future sucks.  I am trying to just let this relationship flow, to be as it wants to be.  But I can't put my career on hold until he gets a job elsewhere and I'm stuck here without him because I put my own career on hold to be with him.  I'm not talking about marriage.  And I would hate for it to sound like that is what I want.  I'm talking about, I guess, is knowing how he feels about me.  But I already know.  I can see it in the way he looks at me, in the way he treats me.  So I guess that's just what I'm going to have to do.  Ask him in a "what if" way.  You know, what if I get a job in tampa, are we still going to try to be together?  Or is a long distance relationship not worth it to him?  UGH!  XTC had it right.  Life and Love is a complicated game. 

24 hours without my ladyfriend ...

Yesterday, at work, I'm outside with THE BOYFRIEND and another coworker (not the male coworker I was talking about, a female coworker) and he's talking about his 24 hours of bachelorhood.  I believe the statement went something like this,

"I spent 24 hours without my ladyfriend yesterday, and it was great."

The chick out there with us already knows we are dating, so she just looks at me and I'm staring at THE BOYFRIEND with this blank stare on my face.  She thought it was funny.  And it was.  Totally was.  Cause really?  1) Ladyfriend?  and 2) I am RIGHT HERE!  So we were talking about it before he came in today, and she asked me,

"So is everything good between you two?"  quizzical look from me
"Because of yesterday, that thing he said about being a bachelor for 24 hours."
"Oh yeah, we're totally fine.  That was totally off though, right?"
"Um, yeah.  We all knew what he meant, it was just the wrong words to say it."

And THE BOYFRIEND and I are totally ok.  We went out to Waffle House for breakfast and then I went down to St Augustine to spend the day with him.  We did nothing.  It was great.  We fucked twice yesterday, which was good.  Well, the buildup to the first time was PHE-NOM-EN-AL.  I'm giving him head and he says to me,

"I want to eat you.  Please."

I get up to straddle him, and make a move on him, like rub my wetness all over him, I ask him,

"Do you want to eat me?  Or fuck me?"

He takes hold of my hips and just spears me on his dick and says,

"I want to do both."

And I'm just moaning loud enough for him to be turned on by it, but not loud enough for it to fill the house.  He is watching me and licks his lips, saying,

"I want to do it all."
"So, let's.  Let's do it all."

Lots of foreplay, biting me so hard on the legs and the inside of my thigh right at the top where the hips meet the legs, you know where I'm talking about (did I mention PHE-NOM-EN-AL?), licking up and down the legs, just really lots of buildup to the actual act itself.  Which when he finally did stick his dick in me, it was kinda a letdown.  I mean, in and boom, he was done.  He tried, he really did try not to cum so fast, but you know how it is.  I was scratching his back lightly, but not too lightly and he got that look on his face;  the feral growly (and he really does growl a bit when I do that) face that I really like a lot.  I think that is what did it.  But I could tell that he was thinking about it, and kinda feeling bad, all that buildup and no release for me.  I did my best to try and soothe his ego.  I told him after he came too fast earlier yesterday that yeah, it (the sex) wasn't good.  He got this look on his face that was just read, Well, thanks for that.  Now I feel bad.  But as I said before, I did my best to soothe his ego, saying,

"I'm perfectly fine with it.  The buildup was great.  I loved that.  And it's not like I'm going to leave because it was bad.  I'm only going to tell you the truth.  Don't expect me to lie."

You know, working around my tactlessness with sweet kisses and cuddles.  Not sure if it worked.  He did bring up again while we were at Five Guys getting din din.  And even then I did my best to soothe his ego, but without the sweet kisses and cuddles. 

Later, after eating and I'm in bed trying to get some semblance of sleep, he comes into bed and we both get handsy and kissy.  I think I got wet as soon as he got into bed with me, that's how unsatisfied from before I was feeling.

"You owe me, you know."
"From today, or overall?"
"From today."
"I was about to say, overall I think we are pretty much on balance." 

Which after that it was a pretty quick ride.  I came hard and fast, and then just concentrated on getting him off again; and he did soon after me, but too not soon.  So, first time great buildup, bad release.  Second time not much buildup, great release.  All in all, good times to be had. I fell asleep very soon after that.  It was GREAT! 

We Rule. 

Another thing, he thinks that my honesty is "refreshing."  How anyone could find my blunt and sometimes harsh honesty is refreshing is beyond me, but I like that he digs it so far. 

"I think I'm falling for you"

THE BOYFRIEND and I spent the day Monday day drinking.  It was a good day.  Up until this point I was not a good drinker, nevermind day drinking.  I hardly drank at all.  My previous experiences with a drinker was never good.  I always had to be the sober one so that I could make sure nothing bad happened, that I was able to take him home when he needed to go home, to say no more.  But with THE BOYFRIEND things like that haven't happened yet.  However, as I noted to two male friends of mine, I have noticed a pattern with him.  Okay, so Monday we were hanging out before going over to The Tavern.  We're just lying there in his room, not really touching or talking; he's surfing the net and I'm really trying hard not to just maul him.  In other words, we didn't have sex.  I think I need to be more aggressive when it comes to that.  If I'm wanting to have sex with him, I just need to ... not really force it, but more like try my hardest to get the message across.  After we have been drinking a bit, we are ALL over each other.  I just don't get it.  Is it like my coworker affirmed for me in that it's because we are starting to get in a groove with each other, and having sex ALL the time with each other isn't exactly necessary because we know that we are still going to be there and it's not "iffy".  I don't even get sweet texts from him anymore.  I'm the one sending them, but I don't get responses back.  But you know, I'm just going to let it go, just let things, with us, go as they may.  This is just the Universe telling me to just let things be, that I don't have to try so hard with everything.  Relax.

Back to after the day drinking.  We were walking home from The Tavern and he stopped me in the middle of the street (it wasn't a busy one, rather a more "back street" kinda road).  THE BOYFRIEND grabs hold of me gently and pulls me close.  It was a moment, a very good, slightly romantic moment.  But we couldn't stay like that for long; a car was coming down the road.  It was sweet moments like that walking home after that.  You know, the usual adulations from the both of us. 

"I really like you.  Do you know that?"
"Yes, I do.  I really like you, too."
"Do you mean it?"
"Yes, I do."

Stuff like that.  When we get back to his place and up to his room, we're on his bed together.  He turns to me and starts lightly kissing me and whispering to me and being very sweet.  He said to me then,

"I really like you.  I think I'm falling for you."
"Yeah, I think I am too."
"You are funny, intelligent and beautiful.  The three things I'm looking for.  And I know you don't hear it enough but you really are beautiful."

See what I mean by somewhat confusing?  He's not like this when he's sober.  The coworker and my roommate both say that this is normal.  That the alcohol is just "liquid courage", and he is feeling confident enough to let me in and know how he feels.  I'm just NOT used to this.  I'm used to a very disfunct relationship.  THE BOYFRIEND then says to me, in between light kisses and caresses,

"You are so good to me, and for me."

Hearing that made me so happy, and fall deeper into what was happening between us.  He continues,

"Am I good for you?  Not just to you, but FOR you?"
"Yes, you are so good for me.  It's been a long time since I've felt like this."
"Me too.  How can one man get so lucky?"

Two months, yep.

Firstly, is it just me or do soccer (futbol) players have really hot asses?  Seriously, I could take a bite out of one and be chewing for hours on end.  It's that prime, that Ivanovic ass for Chelsea.



Look at that ass!  GOD ALMIGHTY!



Let's talk about sex

THE BOYFRIEND stayed over my place last night again.  He overslept waaaayyyy too much the night before, so he didn't even bother going home to St. Augustine.  He overslept at my place too, but not by much.  He woke up at 1 a.m., that's when he was supposed to be at the station.  Luckily, I live only 15 min away.   Not too bad.  I'm sure he isn't appreciating my not waking him up either.  Hey!  We both woke up with the alarms, then fell back asleep. 

But anyways, he came over, started some laundry so he could have clean clothes to wear, and then we just laid around in my bed.  He started to get handsy, so clothes came off and I went down on him.  At the point where he was just about to cum, he lifted me up and I settled down on his dick, undulating back and forth until I came.  Then he wanted me to "clean him off completely."  Until he came that is.  Eh, that's fine.  I got to cum.  This time when he came, he had his arms outstretched and palms facing upwards.  To me it looked like he was about to do the Titantic pose, you know "I'm the king of the world!" but not completely, cause they weren't all the way up.  Before he came, he started shuddering and clenching his legs up around me.  I never got that before.  I loved it!

Later that night, as we were settling down to sleep, we started going at it again.  This time he got on top of me. Still no condom people.  I find it quite funny that the DAY after we started not using a condom, there is a birth control recall.  Luckily, mine wasn't effected.  Back to the sex.  He started out slow, you know, enjoying what he was feeling as he was inside me.  I came like three times.  At one point, he had stopped moving, so I just started touching myself, letting him enjoy the show.  And he did because very soon after I started he started moving again, this time hard and fast, stopping every now and then, buried deep in me; I loved that feeling.  Seriously, I forgot what having sex without a condom is like.  So amazing not feeling that bit of latex between us, feeling all of him and his skin and heat.  And I love the look on his face as he came.  It's like nothing else.  Honestly.  Pure. Pleasure. 

I was wondering if things were slowing down with us.  Still not sure.  But everytime I see him, all of those thoughts leave and I just enjoy spending time with him.  As it should be.  Things are more likely moving quite quickly.  What with the meeting of the fam and spending almost everyday together.  Some of our coworkers mentioned to me that I am happier when I am with him, bubbly even.  One called it a "gross couple" thing.  Not sure how I feel about being a "gross couple", with the being all happy and completely all about each other.  But I'm not going to stop.  THE BOYFRIEND makes me happy when I am with him.  Everyone should feel like I do when he is around. 

He was telling me about the many times he went to a stip club to get a lap dance.  Apparently in Broward County, you can touch just as long as the dancer is okay with it.  Basically nothing between the groin and the knees.  I admit I got a twinge of jealousy.  But then I thought, "why?"  I like getting lapdances.  They are quite interesting.  I felt like telling him that if he went to a strip club when he goes back to Ft. Lauderdale, I don't care; he can do what he wants as long as he comes home to me and still wants to be with me.  But I felt like saying that would be obvious.  And who knows, maybe he went to the strip club when he was single.  I doubt it.  (I am a negative nancy)  But you never know.  I guess I just get jealous when I think of him paying some chick to shake her cunt in his face and rubbing up on him.  That's normal, right?  Is it the act of the lapdance that gets men off?  Or is it just being near a cunt that gets them off, the fantasy?  And what is this fantasy that they have?  I wanna ask, but again, I don't want to seem petty or whatever.  How does that come off to a guy?  It's gotta be a fantasy thing.  But is it something that is solved with having a regular pussy to fuck?  I guess what I'm really wondering is if THE BOYFRIEND is thinking about a stipper's cunt when he has me.  NOW that's petty I think.  But shouldn't he be thinking about me, and having sex with me?  I think about him, and having sex with him.  No one else.  Now that I have a boyfriend to fuck whenever, I don't need to think about some one else.  I get that the male mind just thinks about sex constantly.  But like I've said before, I just want to know that I am all that he thinks about, or close to it at least. 

I am overthinking again.  Now is the time to leave this overthinking behind, before I ruin everything.  Talk to you later.  Ciao!

Sexual Healing....?

The sexual reunion with THE BOYFRIEND was nothing like I had expected or wanted.   The first time was absolutely terrible.  Too quick and I certainly didn't cum.  It was like being on a rough subway ride.  Stop and go, stop and go.  I mean christ, what the fuck?  And yeah, I wonder why, but I'm not getting worked up over it.  It happens.  Things can't be great 100% of the time.  It's be nice.  But we are two separate people.  Hell, when I masturbated it wasn't great/amazing 100% of the time.  Sometimes it fell flat and I got nowhere.  Tiredness/exhaustion, nervousness - all have to be taken into account.  I'm pretty sure that his attraction to me is still strong.  But he spazzed about it, and I just blew it off saying it can't be perfect all the time. 

The second time Sunday was great, however.  It was long and passionate.  Towards the end, I was bent over backwards, riding him.  He came quick when I worked it like that.  I came hard as fuck (and yes, I meant it to sound like that).  Oh AND he was also trying to tell me what to do, but I went dominatrix on him, and said,

"NO.  I'm gonna do as I please."

Oh, he totally liked that. 

Monday, we had sex after he got home from work.  Nothing out of the ordinary there.  He wanted me to be on top again, so I did, although it was his turn to do all the work.  It didn't matter, really, cause it would've happened any which way.  BUT we did go out day drinking, which was phenomenal.  I highly recommend it for anyone who has a sucky morning schedule like us.  When we got home to sleep around 7, he was obviously tired and drunk, but still wanted to fuck.  Eh, who doesn't when they are high and drunk.  But I told him that if we were going to have sex, he would have to do all the work this time.  No way in hell was I gonna do it three times in a row.  Nuh-uh.  Not gonna do it.  Well, I came multiple times, but he didn't cum at all.  I did suggest to him that we didn't need a condom since I AM on birthcontrol.  But he wore a condom anyways, saying,

"Better safe than sorry."

Which I totally understand.  Still was a tad disappointed though.  Whatevs.  He didn't cum; he was too tired to go on.  So we slept until he had to go to work. 

TODAY, however, we had lunch with his parents.  Not exactly something to write home about, nothing exciting happened.  But his parents are cool.  Paid for my food, which I wasn't really expecting, so that's good.  Funny thing that happened at lunch, though.  We were waiting to be seated.  Some guy sitting behind me was apparently blatantly staring at my ass.  THE BOYFRIEND noticed and told me; we both laughed.  Totally thought that was cool.  When we got home from lunch, he totally passed out, no option for sex.  Just zonked the fuck out.  I couldn't sleep, maybe 30min here and there.  But nothing substantial.  When we woke up, well when HE woke up, he was trying to get me to get some sleep since I was cranky as ever since I didn't sleep.  But I didn't want to sleep.

"You know, we could not get some sleep together until I am so exhausted that I pass out..."  with a very big, suggestive smile. 
"Oh I would love to not get sleep with you.  But you need some sleep."
"Oh, you're killing me!"
"I'm killing you?  You're killing me!"
"And how am I doing that?"

No answer.  He started rubbing my back, sitting on my lower back completely naked, which led to him rubbing my ass, which led to him getting hard.  He asks me,

"Are you wet yet?"
"Not sure.  Let me check.  .... Yes, I am very wet."

He starts to rub his dick, from behind, all through my pussy and finally sliding it in.  WITHOUT A CONDOM.  Yes, we had sex without a condom finally.  He had to go slow, however, otherwise he would've blown his load even quicker than he actually did, which btw was pretty quick.  I told him, because I really wanted to cum (it was ALLLLLLL day without having sex.  Girl needs to get laid!),

"Fuck me hard, please.  I really want you to."
"Baby, if I fuck you hard I'm not going to be able to hold it back.  I'm already having trouble as it is.  I could put a condom on and then I can fuck you how you want it.  It's a balancing act.  Do you want me to get a condom?"

A noncommittal sound from me, so he leaves it as is and continues, and I reach between my legs to help myself get off.  I squeeze him with my vagina walls, and he says,

"FUCK, that feels so good!"

As he is about to cum, which is a very short time later, he asks me,

"Do you want me to pull out?"
"NO."

And so he doesn't.  But we cum at the same time.  So, I'm happy.  And I go back to trying to get to sleep.  But I can't.  OR so I think, he says that I slept, snoring a little bit with the cat curled up beside me.  Apparently it was very cute. 

Ha HA! But he did it in front of me finally.  He totally passed gas, and somewhat noticeably too.  He was cute with his exclamation,

"Oh! Excuse me."

I just smiled and said he was cute.  I couldn't see the look on him face so I don't know the reaction for sure, but I'm sure it was something like "Wow, she is adorable."  Now I'm not the only one who has gas, loudly. 

So THE BOYFRIEND is talking a lot about this one woman we work with a lot.  She is apparently the "queen of dick jokes," and well, I am not.  And ok, not really apparently, cause she has such a dirty mind and I know that she does.  However, he talks about her quite often, "Kim and I were in the control room and ... ", "at the morning meeting Kim and I were ..." .  I dont know what this means.  YES, I am a bit jealous.  I guess I want to be everything to him, like he is for me.  He's all I think about and talk about sometimes.  He occupies my mind.  I am just a loser like that I guess.