WORST DAY EVER

So there is something inside of me.  And I don't know what it is.  It's not an illness.  Unless you want to call it a "mental" illness.  Cuz it could possibily be just that.  But I don't know how to describe it.  My feelings for THE BOYFRIEND.  I know it's not "like", or "really like".  Could it be love?  Nah, I don't think so.  But it's getting there.  So what is that called?  This welling up of ... hope and affection for this person, this human being.  It's not a blind affection, the kind that you get when you first start dating someone and everything is new, and everytime he looks at you and you get all a flutter...  I know enough about him and his "negatives" to say that it isn't "blind." 

We went out to breakfast after our shifts.  THE BOYFRIEND took one of my comic books with him and read it in the car.  Yes, practically "ignoring" me the entire drive.  When we get there, I'm just giggling at him reading the book, waiting for him to put it down so we can go in and eat some breakfast.  He smiles, flicks me off, closes the book and says,

"Just becaue you are cute doesn't mean that you can use it to your advantage." 
"I'm not using it to my advantage.  I'm just laughing because I think this is funny.  You wanna take it in with you, read it at the table?"  getting all red in the face
"No, I don't want to be caught reading a Waffle House.  You know how that goes."

We eat and chatter a bit.  He complains about his day and I dutifully listen to him and comment when needed.  He looks at me very adoringly and smileyWhen we're all done and paid for, we leave; he reads the book again on the ride home.  THE BOYFRIEND drives back to St Augustine and I get ready for the rest of the day, cleaning my room and cooking food.  He came back around 3:30, read the rest of the comic book (apparently, it's very good and he finished it very quickly.)  While he is reading the book, he says to me,

"I am the worst.  Reading your book before you get a chance to."
"Oh yeah, you're the worst.  If reading my book, falling asleep, and the Christina thing means that you're the worst then... wow.  So, no, you're not the worst.  In fact, you are quite the opposite.  This I can handle."

The pot roast I was cooking finished and we ate and watched Die Hard.  I gave some of the scraps to the dog, a big ol' shepard dog and put some water in his bowl.  The dog drank the entire bowl in one sitting.  And when I put him in his cage while we are chilling in my room, the dog throws everything up.  Yep.  It's all orange and chunky too.  ....  Excuse me.  I'm getting nauseous just thinking about it.  ....  A piece of it fell on my foot, my bare foot, and I almost blew it right there.  THE BOYFRIEND nicely asks if there is anything he could help with.  I just said that he could help me with the trash.  Now, I had put all the nastyness in a bowl, easy collection and disposal.  THE BOYFRIEND saw it, grabbed the trash bag and booked it outside, where the dog was and had thrown up again.  I head outside and see a blur as he runs past me and away from the house, holding back his own vomit.  When it's all cleaned up, I yell at him over by his truck that it's all cleaned up and he comes back.  Oh boys, can't handle a little nastyness.  But of course, us women HAVE to handle it.  We "take care of" babies and all their needs, so of course we are supposed to be able to handle dog vomit.  GEESH! 

Lying back on my bed, getting ready to sleep, we get handsy again.  This time, I can't handle it.  I gotta fuck and now!  So we do the deed and it's actually not bad, the mess.  No blood.  Which makes me wonder if that means that I'm pregnant or not.  I gotta remember to test when I get home today.  Afterwards, lying in my bed nekkid, he strokes my back and says to me,

"I like you."

At this point, I'm thinking two things at the same time.  1)  I love you; and 2)  Is that all?  Just "like"?  But I just look at him, smile and don't say a thing.  HA!  See how he likes it when I don't respond! 

OMG, while I was sleeping tonight, I got a missed call.  From area code 305.  When I see it, I don't know who has an area code with 305.  Just now, I think of it and look it up.  It's from Hialeah, FL.  There only ONE person I know who lives in Hialeah, FL.  THE EX!  Yeah, he FUCKING CALLED ME WHILE I WAS ASLEEP WITH THE BOYFRIEND NEXT TO ME!!!!!!!  And I'm kinda freaking out right now.  THE ASSHOLE DEIGNED TO CALL ME AGAIN!  He always fucking does this shit when I'm happy.  When I forget about him and every little shitty thing that he did to me, he always comes back.  I have THE BOYFRIEND and I'm in a good place inside myself.  I DON'T NEED THIS SHIT!!!!  This was the worst day ever.  It was all good up until I realised WHO was calling me.  FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   AND when I'm talking to THE BOYFRIEND and another Coworker about it, because hey I'm freaking out at work, he just stands there smiling, not saying a damn thing while I'm pacing and freaking out in front of him.  Yeah, he's a fucking guy.  No idea what the fuck to do.  All he says,

"I don't know the dude."

NO you don't know him, and you don't want to know him.  BUT this isn't about you knowing him, this is about me, freaking out.  So I pace for a few minutes out on the porch.  Then go inside, because it's obvious that he's not going to do anything.  And as soon as I shut the door, I can hear the coworker screaming through the door at him,

"You idiot!"

So, I come back in freak out for a bit, write shit down on the blog, go back into the newsroom to notify an editor about something they need from me, when I come back to the cave it's like 10 minutes later and I see them walking back from smoking outside.  I have this ...  I hate my life look.  And THE BOYFRIEND follows me in.  I could tell that the coworker told him what to do and say, cause he wouldn't have known to be that sweet to me after what happened outside.  And he was, and I liked it, it felt good to hold on to someone and just melt away and let myself forget.  Even for a moment.  And I've decided to change my number.  I was talking again with the coworker about THE BOYFRIEND issue and I thanked her for saving his ass.  Guys just need a girl next to them to puppet their mouth with the right thing to say.  Apparently, when I was pacing outside and my back was turned away, she was mouthing and gesturing wildly at him to ... I don't know ... comfort me.  And he didn't.  Because he's young and a guy.  And he has never had to deal with something like this before.  I told him at one moment when he was trying to "be there for me" that

"Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve you."

And he just gets this look and just stares at the bullentin board until I say,

"What is that look for?"

It wasn't a scared what am I supposed to do look.  I have no idea what the look was.  Hence the asking.  He never answers me, just says,

"What look?  I'm just looking at the bullentin board."

And I still don't know what the look was.  I really want to know.  It wasn't surprise.  It wasn't happy.  It didn't look sarcastic, but it could've been.  UGH, I'm all confused.  Fuck my life.