What did I just do?

Well, I lost my job today.  THE BOYFRIEND and I aren't taking it very well.  I cried a lot, still am crying.

He came over after his shift ended.  I was in my car, on the phone with a friend, in tears.  He came up to my car and just held me.   After that, we sat on my stoop, crying together and holding each other, wishing this hadn't happened.  That of course once we found each other, I had to go and fuck it up.  His own fb post said it all:

"No. Fuck you.  I'm keeping this.  The one good thing to happen to me lately.
I'm keeping it."

Down in st Aug, I tried not to cry, tried not to think of the possibility of leaving him, leaving here, leaving all of the good people that I've met, friends that I gained.  He took me to the Tavern to help me feel better.  But we didn't last long.  He had been up for around 24ish hours by then.  At the Tavern he looked at me and I can tell that he was pondering something.  So I asked him.  

"Actually, I was wondering what you were thinking."
"You really want to know what I'm thinking, really what I've been thinking all day?   Are you prepared for this? "

He adjusts in his seat, "preparing" to hear what I'm about to say to him, to put it all out there on the line, heart, mind and soul.  And I had been wanting to say this ALL day, and trying to figure out HOW to say it.  Plus, I was getting all hot in the face like I was blushing, but without the actual flush.  So, I continue.

"All day I've been thinking that .... I think... I've fallen in love with you, and I don't care whether you feel it, feel the same because ... it doesn't matter."

To get the picture in your head of HOW it went down, I wasn't looking at him for the first part of that; but when I said "and I don't care...." I turned to face him and looked him in the eyes, trying to make it poignant.  His reply,

"Yeah I've been getting that vibe from you for a few days now."

Now, don't start to be a hater.  I tried not to look him in the eyes after that, because that was all just posturing.  Of course it doesn't matter; I am what I love not what loves me.  I would still like to hear it after I just put it all out there on the line.  We looked at each other, he smiled and whispered to me, "I love you."  Which made me smile and hold him and kiss him, and whisper

"We'll figure it out."

We were quite giggly together after that, holding hands and smiling at each other.

After we came back from the tavern, we made love again.  This time instead of what we normally would've said to each other, he whispered to me,

"You are so beautiful.  I love you."
"I love you."

And that was that.  I know, the way I just put that is soooo romantic.  "And that was that."  Geesh, girl.  I feel that he means it, and that he isn't the type to say it to me first (after the initial, of course.  I had to be the brave one) if he didn't feel it.  You know what I mean.  As Buffy Summers said in Hush, "Fortune favors the brave."  And I say that he isn't the type because as he was leaving for work, and we're saying goodbye, he said it again to me, first.  I was hoping that it wasn't a fluke, that he wasn't just delirious from lack of sleep, wasn't just caught up in the moment.   Which he may be, the idea of my leaving affecting him in this way.  To be vulgar, 'shit or get off the pot'.  No idea.  Time will fucking tell.  I just hope that I can stay here.  With him, while I can.

I asked a (former) coworker of mine to keep an eye on him today, to make sure he doesn't snap.  Which may or may not happen.  And to tell me how it went today.