BOYFRIEND's Birthday Weekend

Sunday (today) is THE BOYFRIEND's birthday.  His father's family came up and had a nice campout.  See, his grandfather's birthday is shared with him, so they always do something together for their birthdays.  THE BOYFRIEND really wanted me to be there with him, probably to distract from himself all the questions that they were bound to hound him with.  BUT they didn't, because his sister brought her baby, and they were ALL about the newborn.  It was really quite funny.  We both kept looking at each other and smiling, sharing the "I'm so glad that's not me" moment.  But more on the family later, I've got something ... ahem, juicy to tell y'all.  Somewhat. 

Alright, so we didn't have sex Friday night after having dinner with his parents.  He got a bit handsy with me, like always, when I rolled over and had my backside up against him.  What?  I sleep on my left side so much better; I wasn't actually trying anything.  I didn't do anything, just kinda laid there, seeing if he was going to notice that I wasn't responding to his touches.  And he didn't notice.  So I just went down on him, and then went to sleep.  Yeah, it was sexy time, alright.  I'm so rolling my eyes at that.  ANYWAYS, the next morning, I'm up for sex but he just doesn't notice.  How blind can a guy get?  I mean, really!  So finally, as he is about to leave and I'm lying there on the bed, I pull him down with me and get handsy myself.  Obviously, that's the only way he'll get the picture that I want to have sex.  Right, so we get into it, he pulls out to get a towel, and looks down at himself and sees my blood.  So we try to get back into it, but he's totally going limp; from the sight of my blood, my red, healthy blood.  I'm getting pissed at this.  Apparently, he's squeamish at the sight of blood, but only if it's red.  If it's dark, he's fine with it.  I think it's adorable, but I'm still pissed because I haven't gotten off yet.  I can tell that nothing is going to happen, that he's going to be stuck on the red tide coming from me.  I told him,

"As soon as this is done, it's on.  You better be ready for it."

Okay, his family.  His grandmother on his father's side is extremely Catholic and Italian and is all about her religion, and is really pushy about it (sounds familiar).  His aunt is also really annoying; she treats everyone like they are 5 years old.  THE BOYFRIEND and I patiently waded through all this nonsense until dinner and cake.  At one point, while some of the fam went to church, we smoked out in the camper.  I smoked way too much, and was all dizzy and tired.  I laid down in the camper for like an hour until the spinning stopped.  He came in three times to check on me.  The first time, he asked if I was ok.

"Yeah, I'm fine.  I'm just ... really, really tired."

He smiles at this, and I take it to mean, omg, this girl cannot hold her smoke; what am I gonna do with her? So, I tell him to

"Shush.  Stop laughing at me."

The second and third time, he came into put a blanket on me and then to take off my glasses.  AWWWWW.  How sweet is that?  Doesn't have a fucking clue about certain things, but he's damn sweet. 

At dinner, I'm eating my chicken (really good chicken from the grill by the way), his grandmother turns to me, looks at my coca cola and asks,

"You don't drink?"  she has this disgusted look on her face. 
"Yeah.  But not right now."  Like it was obvious that I didn't want to have a "beverage" of some kind while I was eating. 
"Hmmm."

Sometimes I do, but I was tired and didn't really want to get "buzzed" at dinner.  I'm fucking chowing down on my chicken and his mom fucking calls me out,

"See, Joan knows how to do it.  She chowing down, grab and go.  Joan fits right in with this motley crew."

I blush at this, but continue on with my food.  His mom also calls me out about my two of my tattoos (the ones that can be seen) at dinner, as I'm sitting next to his grandmother (an avid anti-tattoo person).  THE BOYFRIEND just says,

"Nice going, mom.  Calling her out like that."

But I guess she (the both of them) didn't notice either comment, so we continue eating.  Food, chit chat, then cake and presents.  It was so funny, when they were opening up presents they put the two of them next to each other; both the grandmother and the annoying aunt insisted that they sit next to each other and open presents.  He's looking at me, I'm laughing, he flips me off for laughing at all this.  Then motions and mouths to me,

"You are number 1."

I just laugh and smile at him.  But he got the idea that I was happy and willing for him to be patient with all of this.  Finally, he gets up to leave because being there is really exhausting, and we both don't want to deal with it.  He thanks me for being so patient with all of it, and I just comment,

"Whatever.  I don't mind.  I'm not going to make you take me home, and have you come back here.  That would be a dick move."

We go back to his place, planning to meet up with his sister later at The Tavern, and fall asleep until about midnight.  There were no missed calls from his sister, so we just go to the tavern by ourselves and celebrated his birthday with a few drinks (I bought his drink as part of his present, the rest of it is a toothbrush and toothpaste.  What?  He needed them anyways...).  I'll have to get him something better later.  I don't know what yet.  Maybe Spiderman loves Mary Jane.  Yeah, that's what I'll get.  It'll just be a belated present.  Back to the night, we got home and we both get handsy.  According to him, he owes me from before.  I don't dispute it, but I wanted to say to him,

"No, you don't have to owe me today.  Not on your birthday."

But I leave well enough alone.  He obviously felt really bad about earlier.  I like him like this.  Making him humble and slightly guilty.  His demeanor towards me changes and he gets all sheepish.  It's adorable.  This time, we fuck in the dark.  But it's still great; nothing special though.  Just straight up missionary.  And then we fall asleep, next to each other, arms wrapped tight like we didn't want the night to end.  Yeah, I like it when we are like this.  Doesn't everyone?  It's rather ...   a change of pace from when we are awake most of the time.  At moments like this, I get the feeling that I do matter to him, that he feels the same for me that I feel for him.  I'm probably expecting too much when I want to feel like these moments all the time.  Excluding when we are working.  I get that.  Especially from a temporary relationship like this.  And that is what it is, temporary until either of us get a job elsewhere and move away from the other.  That, honestly, is what I'm dreading, and what I keep pulling away from.  But I'm constantly brought to the present by the moments that I'm currently experiencing with him.  That's good for me, the one who constantly lives in the past and the future at the same time, to be brought back to right now.  I just gotta live like this all the time, and not just when I'm with him.

While on fb, wishing him a happy birthday, I couldn't really say on his timeline what I wanted to say: Happy Birthday.  I'm gonna fuck you until you fall asleep.  So I opted for a fb chat line to tell him.  Message received! 

Friday, I get off work and dick around at my house. I'm really putting off going to THE BOYFRIEND.   I was going to meet the extended family this weekend and I was kinda nervous about it all.  This is big, right?   At least to me it is.  Anyways,  I'm not getting any kind of communication from him about what's going on, where's he going to be and all that jazz.  And I'm driving down, getting more depressed and more lonely in the world, thinking about how hurt I was from everything this past week.  From THE EX calling, to putting my heart on the line to THE BOYFRIEND and getting practically nothing in return, except maybe male emotion, and some other things in between.   As I told a friend thru texts, I just gonna suppress what I am feeling; it seems to work for the Republicans.  

"But does it work for Joan Arnold? And when is it gonna burst outta your chest 'alien -style'?"

He is alluding to my graphic novel that I'm writing about my experience with THE EX.  To which I reply, completely forgetting about the stop light I was at and turning yellow while I texted,

"It's worked for me so far.  I'll just write in my journal so that I don't get that 'alien ' experience."

And that's the way it has been this weekend, suppressing my feelings from THE BOYFRIEND and just going along with it.  There were many times that I wanted to "express" my thoughts and feelings to him, but I kept it all hid.  I was thinking today that I just wanted some kind of assurance that I matter to him, like he matters to me.  In words.  Looks and touches really aren't the same as words sometimes.  But I should know better than that, especially after THE EX. 

God, I really love Dan Auerbach.  Amazing, amazing stuff, and amazing guy.  Okay, just had to put that in here.  I keep forgetting how solid this solo album is.