"I really like you. I hope you know that."And I just snuggled closer to him. But honestly, thinking back on it. "You're great"? I don't know how to take that. I had been PMSing all day, just in a real funk, you know, and I'm sure it kinda came off badly. I like that he thinks I am "great". But that isn't what I was looking for from him. I wanted something a little bit more substantial. He's like me, I think, in that it's hard for me to express in words how I really feel, especially if there's the possibility that I'm going to get hurt. Last night, a friend of mine texted me that she really liked the last entry. That "it feels so much." This is part of the conversation,
"I do know it. You're great."
Her: "I feel like you are on the brink of some big decision and I like knowing how you feel about it in a very real way."So maybe I was wrong almost all my life when I thought my heart was on my sleeve. I am blunt with things, just not my heart. Yep, I'm a Cancer through and through it seems. I want to tell him wholly how I feel about him. No, not express love in any way. That I'm gonna keep to myself. But, ... maybe express in words the elated feeling I get when I see him or think about what he does to me; and that if I ever have some internal insecurities that he always knows somehow what to say and I don't have to say it or act like I do have these thoughts inside my head, he just seems to know; that we are comfortable with each other and that means a lot to me. But it's also v-day and it would be very, I don't know, expected to say something like that and cheesy also. I just know that I'm going to explode if I don't get it out. So I guess that's why this blog exists. So I can get out all my emo bullshit and just experience all the "wonders" of being with someone that makes me feel this way, to sound bit cheesy for a moment.
Me: "Right. Bc I'm so guarded with my emotions."
Her: "I'm sorry if I come off as campy."
Me: "Not campy. And I always thought I wore my heart on my sleeve."
Her: "Just because you are blunt does not mean you can't hide your feelings. I love you because you are blunt."
Alright, so I did make a decision concerning the long distance thing. Sort of. Possibly. Maybe. Eh, I still don't know. Well, here's what I'm thinking so far. No, I'm not going to be aggressive or passive aggressive. I talked it over with a friend who knows us both, the girl from the Christmas party. And she told me to not worry about it until it happens. And I know that I shouldn't worry. But my insides are all a twisty over this still. Less twisty than yesterday. But still kinda twisty. I just wanna see him right now. And I know that when I do, all these thoughts are just gonna fly outta my head. Because he is going to be there for me in a quiet, unassuming way that he always is to me. Le sigh.
I just put in my finished application for the community college. And, well, I'll see if I have to cross that bridge soon. I'm going to continue on with my life. Enjoy my time in this city with him and then when I get a better job opportunity, then that'll be it. Because the way I'm figuring it right now, it's not love if he's not willing to try the long distance thing with me, to see this relationship through. I think he's afraid to feel it. To acknowledge it. I'm willing to compromise with this. But he isn't. I may have already compromised a bunch of times. I just want all of this to go away and stop being so complicated.
So that's all there is to it. I'm about to shut myself off from him because that is all that I know how to do. Hide. I know I am. I can feel it. I'm rather wishy washy, aren't I? In the paragraphs above I'm all "Yeah, I'll just enjoy my time while I have it." And then, just now, it's "I'm going to shut down." Help me, please. I need to be coaxed out so that I don't hide, shut myself off and just walk my way through the relationship like a zombie.
Soy un perdedor.
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