Sex and a Great Relationship

One thing I've been wondering lately is probably not something people wonder about on a regular basis.   I mean, people in a healthy relationship that aren't teenagers or emotionally stunted humans without real intelligence. 

My relationship with THE BOYFRIEND is going so well.  We spend time together when we can, we both show each other how much we care for each other and we just don't want to fuck it up somehow.  So, why am I wondering if the way things are with us ... is normal.  Is this how healthy relationships progress?  What I mean by that is that to me it feels like we are slowing down.  The excitement just isn't there anymore.  No, that's not what I mean.  It's not boring.  I still laugh with him.  He still challenges me intellectually.  Sex with him is still great, when we have it.  And maybe that is the question that is lingering in my mind. 

Men are supposed to think about sex all the fucking time, right?  So, why don't we have sex more?  I am a very sexual woman.  Not going to deny it.  I know how to use all the I have, how to flirt and tease, I love having sex a lot.  It is one of the ways that I bond with someone; probably the most significant way.  With THE BOYFRIEND, I want more.  I'm tired of the not exciting way that we start having sex.  Laying down in bed, cuddling naked.  It's always the same progression, too.  Go down on him, move up to straddle him, I orgasm, put a condom on, he finishes. 

That's the reason why I couldn't finish at all today.  It's always the same.  I need change in my sexual routine.  I need passion.  It seems to be lacking from our relationship.  I don't like predictability in my sexual routine. 

Is it because of our different schedules?  His overnight shift?  Or maybe that is just the way that he likes it?  Or is he just not stimulated by me the way that he used to be?  The latter is what I am most afraid of, and the thing that I also don't think to be true either. 

Am I just too used to a fucked up relationship to know what to do in a healthy one?  I honestly don't think so.  I think we have just gotten into a sexual rut and don't know how to get out of it.  I'm not going to confront him about it and be all broody and moody.  Just slide it into conversation somehow. 

Yeah, that'll end up really well...  

Paranoid Insecurity

Last Saturday, THE BOYFRIEND and I went on a date.  You know, a movie and then the Tavern.  The date itself isn't really the subject of this post.  Rather something he said to me and our friends at The Tavern that has been bugging me since.  To cut to the chase, THE BOYFRIEND basically said that he would go to a strip club but he wouldn't tell me he did.  Yeah, he actually omitted to me that he would LIE to me.  When he said that, I got really, really angry.  And I think that I have an extremely good case why I was (and am) angry.  Never mind that I'm paranoid that he would hurt me by going.  Which, by the way, I am hurt that he would go to see another woman naked.  Wanting to see one is one thing, actually doing it is a completely different thing.  To me it is a betrayal, borderline cheating.  Those things hurt.  A lot.

The real thing that is bugging me came later.

He took my hands after it was extremely evident that I was angry at him.  He told me to look at him, to look at his eyes as he talked to me.  I wouldn't and he continued to stare at me until I looked at him.

"Do you think that I would hurt you if I went to a strip club?"
I whipped my head around and told him, in no uncertain terms,
"Yes."
"You know that I love you."
"I thought you did." then turned my head back to the front.
"No, you know that I do love you, now.  And I would do nothing to hurt you and this relationship we have spent the past year building.  And if I do hurt you, I would do everything I possibly could to make it up to you.  I'm not one of these other shitheads that you dated in the past.  I'm not going to hurt you."

Flustered, I went to the bathroom then, to get away from him and the situation.  I ended up just staring at myself in the mirror for a good 5 minutes while I thought about what he said.  As I came out of the bathroom, he was standing there waiting for me.  He tried to explain why guys like strip clubs.  Something like Disney world for straight men.  Whatever.  The fact that he would go to look at naked women that weren't me, and then NOT tell me he did is quite fucked up. 

He called me "insensible" because I was angry still angry when I got back from the bathroom. 

"You're being insensible.  But not crazy."
"Because calling a woman crazy is just going to set her off even more."

Straight men apparently want to see every woman naked.  Who the fuck knew that?  I mean, the mysteries of the universe is solved by that statement.  Of course every straight man wants to see every woman naked.  I'm not denying that.  It's the fact that you actually did while dating me, or whoever your girlfriend is at the moment.  The only woman that you should see naked is her.  Because then you are thinking about fucking them, at least in my mind that is what you are doing.  And no matter what you say to me to the contrary, that is what will plague my mind, that you are thinking about fucking another woman that isn't me.  And that hits me hard where my insecurities live.  Thinking "Am I not good enough for you?", or "What did I do wrong?" is never a good thing.  Brings up past things that should stay left behind in the dust.

I told him that he really didn't understand me.  And I told him that it wasn't so much that I thought he would hurt me (which obviously isn't completely true),

"It's that you openly admitted that you would lie to me.  And I will not stand for lying.  At all."
"It's not lying.  It's omitting certain details.  Like hiding a present in your underwear drawer."
"That is not 'omitting certain details'.  That is hiding something to give to you later.  'Omitting certain details' is lying."

We got interrupted by a friend around then, and we never got around to the discussion again.  I told him on our way home,

"You've made your case, and I've made mine.  I need to mull it over in my head a bit."

He just smiled at me as if he's won something, which he hasn't.  And I need to talk to him about it.  There just isn't a good time to talk to him about it.  I'm either at work, or he's just came off a shitty shift or about to leave for work, and I don't want to put that on him.

But I still cannot come to terms with it.  I cannot come to terms with any of it.  Neither the lying nor the actually seeing another woman naked.  No matter how much I try to rationalize it with "he wouldn't do anything to hurt me", I'm still hurt.

FUCK!  I'm so insecure.  SOOOOO, so, so, so, so insecure.  Always have been.  And if I say anything different, then know that I'm lying to make myself think it.  Unlike the title of this blog, I can't choose what stays and what fades away. 

I love him, I love him, I LOVE him.  He is the best friend I could ever have in this world.  He's on my side.  He thinks I'm beautiful, smart and funny.  He likes my nerdy, dorky self.  He's told me time and time again that he has eyes for no one but me.  He puts up with my paranoid insecurities and my crazy hormonal emotions.  And soooooo much more. 

So, why can't I forgive him?  Why can't I let it go?  It's a little things that I really need to let go of. 

“Let the little things go. People who struggle often fight over little things. We obsess over things that don’t really matter. We create resistance instead of letting things glide off us. Let the little things go, breathe, and move on to the important things.” – Leo Baubauta.

The way I am

Saturday morning as I was getting ready for work, THE BOYFRIEND and I were watching this video on a book interview about sharpening pencils.  'Yeah, right' you might say.  "How is there a WHOLE book on sharpening pencils?"  Ah, but there is, and the author is really funny.  Somewhere along the video the professional pencil sharpener has this ... helmet, I guess is the word closest, that has a headlight and a set of magnifying glasses so he can get a good look at the pencil he is sharpening.  THE BOYFRIEND starts to make fun of it.  I jump to it's defense with

"Hey, my father had a set of those for his stamp collection.  They're cool."

THE BOYFRIEND giggles at me and says,

"I finally get why you are the way you are."
"What do you mean?"
"You.  Everything about you just made sense with you defending the thing with the headlight because your dad has one for his stamps."

That wasn't much help, now was it?  Still confused about how my defense of the thing with the magnifying glasses could possibly spell out all of my "mysteries" for him.   Does that make me an "extra special" geek because I dig cool things like a helmet thing with magnifying glasses and a headlamp?  Is it "lame"?  I don't think so.  Maybe he does.  But apparently what he considers "lame" in other people he finds "adorable" in me.  We've had this conversation so many time before.  I do something odd.  He smiles REALLY big.  I say "You're only smiling at me because I'm lame."  He retorts, "No, that is not the only reason why I smile at you.  That is not the reason why I'm smiling at you now."  I've gotten used to the smiling and the giggling from him when I do something odd.  Just one of those things now. 

The Wedding

This weekend, THE BOYFRIEND's sister was getting married in Fort Lauderdale, and of course I came with him.  I was not going to pass this occasion up to see where he grew up, of course, and his mother assumed that I was going to come automatically.  I think it was the time that I spent caring for him when he was sick.  That's all I heard about whenever a member of his family saw or met me for the first part of the weekend, before the wedding happened.  Case in point, his mother's sister:

"You're Joan, Anthony's girlfriend?"
"Yeah, that's me."
"I'm Jennifer, his aunt.  I heard you took excellent care of my nephew when he was sick.  His mother told me that you scored major points for that."
"Ah."

This was BEFORE it was time to get ready for the wedding.  THE BOYFRIEND left to get get dressed with the rest of the groomsmen at the hotel room, leaving me to get ready with the rest of the women.  CRAZY women.  But whatever.  I just stayed out of the way.  But right before we had to leave for the church, the baby needed wrangling into her dress.  THAT was up to THE BOYFRIEND's dad and me, since she seemed to respond to the both of us positively.  Yeah, she wasn't having it.  It was an adorable dress, but really itchy to her I'm sure, beccause all fancy wedding dresses are itchy.  When she is all dressed up, his mother says to me and to everyone in the house,

"She's a keeper.  First taking care of Anthony and now for wrangling the baby.  You're a keeper, Joan."

On the way to the church, the girl I drove with got lost, she told the GPS to go to the reception hall instead of the church.  And at the church, more family members and friends of THE BOYFRIEND to be introduced to me.  Finally met his best friend forever, a girl, and I couldn't help but replay all those best friend romcoms.  You know the ones I mean. Where the guy has a best friend who is female and a girlfriend, then the guy ends up with his best friend because there is really no one else. 

Inside the church and before the big walkdown the aisle, the baby just wasn't cooperating.  Everyone could hear her wail and cry.  So when THE BOYFRIEND's mother came down the aisle she loud whispered to me,

"Joan, go get the kid."

because apparently I'm magic with her.  So, I took care of her throughout the ceremony.  She tried shoving her pacifier into my mouth and taking off my glasses.  So, I took off my glasses and hid them.  She looked so confused.  And whenever she started to look like she was going to get upset and start wailing, I got up and walked around with her.  When the ceremony ended, I gave her to her grandpa, and went out to the truck to get high (because after dealing with the wee baby, I sure as hell deserved it) with THE BOYFRIEND's friends, including the bff.  Then all I got from the family members was how wonderful I was with the baby, for the rest of the night.  Everytime I turned around,

"Oh you did so wonderful with the baby.  Thank you for taking such good care of her during the ceremony."

Blah, blah, blah.  Plus, almost the entire reception THE BOYFRIEND left me alone.  Just up and left me to wonder where the hell he went.   And almost always with his friends to go smoke outside or get a drink, hang out, chit chat.  I chastised him later for it.  I mean, he knows almost everyone there, and I knew about 10 people and could only talk to ... none.  I feel bad for chastising him but he kinda deserved it. 

After the reception, we had to take his bff home over in Davie.  THE BOYFRIEND tried to drive, but ended up pulling over and having me drive.  I asked him three times before we left if he wanted me to drive; see, he had 4 jack and cokes at the reception, plus all that smoking.  I would rather not crash or die, so I took over.  Got us there and back, no problems.  He was surprised that I got us back.  He asked me in the morning how I was able to get here.  I told him that his friend directed me how to get back to Commercial Blvd, and he got me the rest of the way.  We back into the camper, tried to have sex.  It wasn't happening for him, but for me, yeah, I got mine.  That's all I wanted.  He didn't need to cum.  Girl was horny.  I had to claim him as mine, not his friend's.  Can you blame me for getting jealous?  I certainly think not.  Fell asleep after that.  Woke up at about 12:30 a.m. and he was hungover, so we went out to get some food.  Came back, had sex again (this time was more for him than me), fell asleep again watching Billy Connolly's Route 66. 

And that is the first half of my trip to Fort Lauderdale with THE BOYFRIEND.  Hope the rest is better, but the last two days haven't been bad at all, so they can only get better. 

Oh that boy!

THE BOYFRIEND and I went out to see The Wobbly Toms last night.  I really missed seeing them live; and, as an added bonus, the 7 large men of the band (and their instruments, mics and other paraphernalia) were stuffed into a very small corner of the bar.  Hilarious!  I left early so I could get some sleep before work the next morning; he went down to The Tavern.  When he got back home, he was all touchy feely, and I just wanted to sleep.  I curled up against him after refusing the first time, and asked him,

"Why do you love me?"
"I just do love you."
"But why?"
"Because you're funny, you're amazing, and you rock my world."

Rock my world?  Ok, that to me doesn't sound like much of a reason to love someone, to say to this person I want to be with you for as long as possible, to want that person to move with you when you leave the city/state for a better career opportunity, to be willing to sit in the bathroom while they are throwing their stomach contents up.

But I get it.  I mean, THE BOYFRIEND never has had much of a way with words when it comes to his emotions.  His track record with this kind of thing isn't, shall we say 'stellar'.  He loves me; he tells me this all the time in the words he uses, in the way he looks at me, etc.  I rock his world, eh?  Oh, geez.  That boy has got me in his pocket and he doesn't even know it. 

Not so much a Hometown Hero

"You're everything I want."  

That's what he said to me Sunday night.  THE BOYFRIEND said that.  To me.

"And you're everything that I want."
"Really?"
"Mmm-hmm."
"Well, it's good we found each other."

Always looking for the disappointment?

This weekend, I think I may have mentioned this previously, THE BOYFRIEND and I are going back to my hometown.  Yes, yes.  I keep having these flashes of day dreams where I am disappointed by THE BOYFRIEND when he decides that he just doesn't want to go.  Because he doesn't do whatever he doesn't want to do.  I'm not bringing it up.  This is the time in all my relationships (around 9 months), that they just start to fail me in one way or the other.  So, I'm waiting for this one (the relationship, not HIM) to just disappoint me and I'll carry on with the relationship, until it all just starts to fall apart on me.  And I'll be left one big shell of an empty human for awhile until I meet and fall in love all over again.  The same god damn trap that I can't escape from.

I am expecting it, but I'm not going to go looking for it.  Like when in-laws-that-you-really-don't-like come for an extended stay.  And I don't know why I am expecting it, outside of what has happened to me in past relationships.  Being with him has been unlike any I've been with before.  Seriously.  And he hasn't really "disappointed" me yet.  The thing with the friend isn't a disappointment per se.  It's just weird.  And I'm kinda getting used to being ridiculous about it.  Or rather just "it".

I should just give up on worrying so much.  It's obviously not worth it.  I mean, the things that I worry about always amount to nothing.  It's a bad habit that needs to be nipped in the bud.  Like, right now.

Regrets Collect Like Old Friends

Lately, I've been growing depressed with my situation in life, especially pertaining to work and love.  It came to a head last night when I couldn't sleep.  Some of it.  I couldn't bring up everything.

As for work, I hate that I have to lower myself in order to work this job, especially every time I put on that damn rat suit and go pretend that I would love to have kids hanging all over me and dance around in order to make THEM happy.  Switch out THEM for whatever you want it to be, either corporate or the kids.  It sucks having to put on that animal outfit when I know that I am worth so much more.  Or am I?  See, that is another part of the "work sucks" that has factored into my depression this past week.  Or maybe it's all a big circle:  Depression, no sleep, I fuck up at my job.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

As far as love is concerned, I'm too damn jealous of THE BOYFRIEND and the friend of his.  And I know I have no reason to be.  Sometimes I just want to yell at him to just break up with me anyways because he obviously doesn't want to be with me as much as he wants to hang out with her.  When is wrong, I know.  So very wrong.  And it all comes back to my damned insecurity with why he is with me.  I was second guessing all week if he actually loved me, for instance.  Like, what do I have to offer him that keeps him loving me?  I'm obviously not his type (the bronzed, Brazillian/latino women of the world).  I'm don't do the dirty jokes as much as this other girl he works with.  I'm not good with the reparte and the lines from movies, or even know much about music.  I don't smoke a lot of ... or drink a lot; 2 beers knock me on my ass.  I'm not incredibly smart.  I'm lame.  He evens says that this is part of what he finds attractive in me.  That I'm not like what he grew up around.  All I can offer him is myself.    When is that not going to be good enough?

The key with a heart

This week is painting the room week.  Saturday, THE BOYFRIEND painted the alcove the dark gray. When he was at Home Depot getting the lighter gray for the rest of the room, he got me a copy of the house key.  This is how he gave it to me:

Sweet, right?  SOOOOO adorable with the heart.  He's like this in with me, and not in front of anybody else, all lovey-dovey.  He gave me the key with one of the roommates in the room.  When I commented on the heart he drew, he pretended to be engrossed in what he was doing, and didn't look up at me or the roommate.  I think he was blushing slightly.  I do love him so.  <3  

Romantics Anonymous

I watched a romantic comedy tonight.  Romantics Anonymous.  A really cute French Rom-Com.  These two chocolate makers are extremely "emotional".  Not emotional in the way that we think of it being, all weepy and nonsensical all the time.  No, rather they are "emotional" in that they are afraid of falling in love and being intimate with someone in the way that two people in love are intimate.  They know completely and fully the other person and love them because of their faults and missteps.  The way that everyone wants to be with someone.  Well, normal people and not psychopaths at least.  It is romantic and I fell in love with it immediately.  

   

As previously noted here, I am a romantic.  A full-blown romantic with a terrible secret.  I am afraid of a lot of things, most especially of falling in love.  I am, truly.  All my whining about my current relationship, about the feelings that I felt and all my worries about THE BOYFRIEND and not wanting to fuck it up is evidence of this fact.  

Angelique and Jean-Rene are exactly how I feel when it comes to love.  The "hot" feeling, I don't know what to do with; the talking to anybody makes me so shy and embarrassed.  I have learned how to hide it well.  My best friend says that she can see my heart on my sleeve.  But then again I have known her since I was in 4th or 5th grade.  It's kinda hard not to be open with someone when you have known them so long.  I am not so much the epitome of shy that they are, however.  

And then there's THE BOYFRIEND.  He says the same thing, too.  He just seems to know what I'm feeling a lot of the times.  He is a boy, don't get me wrong, and doesn't know how females think.  But, nonetheless, he still gets me.  And that is ... extremely scary sometimes.  

The end of the movie was about taking risks, letting yourself take risks in love and in life.  I took a risk in opening myself up to the possibily of somethiing more and I am completely happy with my result.  I am not talking jobs, now.  I am talking about how happy I am to be in love with this man I share my life with now.  And for those of you out there who are still afraid to fall in love, to take that risk like I was, don't be.  Don't be afraid.  Heartbreak sucks.  I know that more than most.  But I trundle on towards something, continuously.  

It's been awhile...

... Since I've last been on here.  Things haven't really changed.  I mean, I have changed a little.  I've learned to just accept the "big sister" thing that THE BOYFRIEND has for a friend.  I mean, it is just a friendship.  I must say that I act the same way with one male friend of my own.  So, I really can't blame him.  But other than that, just trying to take life by the shoulder pads and pushing forward to something new and .. "fashionable"?  (Eh, I was just trying to go with the shoulder pads analogy.  Don't think it worked."

Feeling Super-crabby

I don't know if he is pushing my buttons because he's lazy or if I'm just super PMSing this time.  Whatever is the cause, it needs to quit it, yesterday.  I'm up, I'm down.  I'm pissy, I'm fine.  All in the matter of a minutes time or thereabouts.  And THE BOYFRIEND, WHY does he do things because he wants to, when he wants to?  It doesn't make sense.  It's somewhat childish and narcissistic.

And the whole "big sister" thing he has with the woman he brought to the Christmas Party, I'm a little jealous about.  I get it.  I really do.  But why can't he be like that with me?  It's not that he's going to have a "thing" with her.  Just that he doesn't really act like that with me.  That he has to be around her and be all excited.  I should feel happy that I get to see a side of him that he doesn't really show to too many people.  That he doesn't hide his emotions from me the way he does to other people.  So why am I not?

It's almost 8 months in and why am I feeling/thinking like this now?  He hasn't changed one bit.  He's always been this way.  And it hasn't bothered me before.  Which leads me to believe that I'm just being super Cancer-ish right now.  Super crabby, super moody.  All over imaginative faults and imaginative hurts perpetrated by THE BOYFRIEND.  Which is completely irrational of me to behave this way.  I need to stop.

Big things are brewing

Something big has happened, I'm sure of it.  I don't know how I feel about it, but it has.  I'm not even sure what has come out of it.

Friday.  THE BOYFRIEND and I were supposed to go out and be together.  He was even going to go to bed early so that we would have more time together.  But did that happen?  No.  Instead, when I got over to his place and started to make something to eat at 5 p.m.  He was still awake.  Hadn't even occurred to him that the earlier he got to sleep the more time we would have Friday night.  I mean, he knew that I have to work on the weekends, that I have to be there at 8 a.m. to open the gameroom.  Or even if it did occur to him, he didn't act on it.  I let him sleep, which he did until 11:15ish p.m.  And I was kinda pissed off that he didn't even think about me, about what that means to me for our relationship.  And the thing is, he only woke up when I woke him up to tell him that friends of his that I met at a pub were downstairs and were looking for him.  Which pissed me off even more.  His friends wanted him to go out with them.  And I told him to go.  Which I was fine with.  I had to work in the a.m., he didn't.  He hadn't seen these girls in a long time, so go out, have fun, catch up.  However, as he was getting dressed to go out, I kinda broke down and told him how I felt about the situation.  That I am more in this relationship than he is.  My exact words were,

"I am more a part of your life, than you are in mine."  

 And it is true, I do feel that way.  Tears started welling up and everything.  It was pretty bad.  He came over and knelt in front of me.  He looked sad.   Like I was about to tell him that I wanted to break up.  He even told me,

"I feel like you are telling me that you want to leave."

 To which I responded,

"I'm not leaving.  I don't want to leave.  This isn't the end.  I'm not going to break up with you.  I'm just telling you all this because I want you to know what is going on with me.  What I'm feeling and thinking.  I love you.  I'm just feeling ... alone in this relationship."

There was more to the conversation, I just can't remember it.  I know that he told me that he was gonna come over at 6ish a.m. to wake me up and make me coffee before I have to go into work.  I went back to my place to sleep.  I left the back door open for him.  He actually came over about 3:30 a.m. and laid in bed with me until I had to wake up and get ready for work.  He made me coffee like he promised.  When I called him that afternoon at work, he said that we were going to do something fun that evening and that it was up to me.  Which, okay, I can dig.  All I wanted to do, really, was hang out with him, alone.

To Infinity and Prosper!

It's been a week since my birthday, exactly a week.  It honestly seems like only yesterday, this week has gone by so fast.  And I know I've been a bit lax in updating but stick with me and I'll get through everything.  I'm not giving up on this thing.  Nor should you.

The Saturday prior to my birthday I had a small birthday gathering with my new St. Augustine friends. They all came over to my new residence and we just sat outside and had loads of fun.  Bad birthday karma is no longer.  My new "boss" showed up, too.  Weird, but good cause he's a good guy that I get along with so much.  We both have had really shitty exes that make going about life now just barely tolerable.  They all left around midnight, because I kicked them out (didn't want too :(  ).  THE BOYFRIEND and I were really tired and needed lots of sleep.  He had to go back to work that Sunday after being out sick the entire week; and of course I had to be at work at 8 a.m.

The day before the birthday proper, I went out with a couple of friends and got DRUNK.  So drunk I woke up that morning still drunk.  I mean, three beers and 1 shot is WASTED for me.

Getting better

So it seems as if THE BOYFRIEND is all better now.  After that last post it was one more day of sick BOYFRIEND, and then it was weak BOYFRIEND.  Now, finally, it is fully well BOYFRIEND.  A week in totality.  And it was one fucked up week.  


I was rather strict on him with what he could eat or not.  So was my mother.  Oh yeah, my parents came up for a day visit before they booked it outta town this morning.  They came to help me move my bed down from Jax.  The last thing to arrive, and I am now officially out of Jax and in St. Augustine.  I still owe my roommate money, but I'll mail the rest to him later.  


Today, after I got home from work, I was all sore and cranky from the day I had dealing with the crazy kids.  So, THE BOYFRIEND took my shoes off, got me a beer from the fridge and told me to relax.  We cuddled on the couch for a few minutes, before he instructed me to go upstairs to take a shower, drink my beer and fucking relax.  Yeah, I have a bit of a problem with relaxing.  I'm working on it.  Hey, it's been one hellish week for the both of us.  Four trips to E.R. for him.  Me worried sick.  And a lot of hours logged taking care of him.  .... Once I got out of the shower, he made me Chef Boyardee, my favorite!  Well, favorite of canned foods.  BTW, the Half-baked B&J ice cream is totally calling my name now.  SOOOO good.  


AFTER the food, then it was surfing on the internet time, until I basically forced him to put it down.  We got back to cuddling.  Much more intimate cuddling.  Which is what we were looking towards for the longest time.  Cuddling turned to touching.  Covered by a blanket, he totally fingered me there on the couch in the middle of the house.  But no one was downstairs to see it but us.  He gave me a choice; either quiet now, or loud later, or... both.  We both chose both.  Upstairs for us.  Quick take off of clothes, and we were off ourselves.  Yeah, it was quick.  This time.  Which is fine, he and I have been outta business for at least a week.  And he needed to go pick up his truck from Jax still.  But when he gets back.  ...  yeah.

That's enough, please.

I swear I'm gonna kill that boy when he gets better.  Again.  The fucking BOYFRIEND decided to not take it easy, to get greedy and have pancakes for breakfast.  A DAY AFTER HE GOT BETTER!  Yeah.  And the thing that I'm most upset about is that I didn't stop him.  I should've known better.  I continuously heard yesterday that he's a big boy.  So I let him make his own decisions today, thinking that hey he knows his own body, and he's a big boy.

And it certainly doesn't help that I'm completely PMSing right now.  Moody, bitchy, everything.  I'm getting pissed off at him, for being sick.  Smart move.  I know.  I'm completely sorry about it.  And told him so, right after I got pissy.  He's laying down now.  I got him a heat pad for his muscle spasms after all that vomiting.  Thank god the nausea has gone away.  So far.  It seems like it is.

------
One day, another ER visit, a specialist visit later and I have no hope for this man.  He doesn't have nausea per se.  It's more like his stomach is irritated and won't take anything going into it.  Don't know what the cause of it is, but we power on.  Don't know if he is going to call the specialists tomorrow to see the wtf is going on.  He went to work anyways, which in this TS Debby nonsense, I think is stupid and if he gets into a crash I'm going to fucking kill him.

I feel like I'm losing all sense of control now.  Like everything is going to pieces and taking me with it.  Like I'm a tetherball and someone is playing a rousing game with me.

Plus-er side, I'm getting a lot done with my graphic novel.  I need to watch some imagery heavy movies in order to make it ... more imagery heavy.  Beef up my imagination shall we say.

All I know right now is that I'm barely keeping control of everything.  So much stress.  I actually started crying in front of him today, before he went in to work and right after he started throwing up again.

GRRRRRR-ARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!  

Oy, I'm going to need a few days off for this one.

A few things before I pass out from sheer exhaustion.

THE BOYFRIEND finally read my draft of the graphic novel I've been writing for over a year.  When he told me that he read it, it was so matter of factually and no opinion on it whatsoever.  I got a little agitated, nervous.

"So, I ready your thing.  And wrote down some notes."
"You wrote down notes.  Huh.  That's not really helping me right now, with what you thought of it."

I guess he could tell that I was feeling weird about what he said because I was fidgeting with my Kindle Fire.  He stood up from the bench, walked over so that he was right in front of me.  I couldn't look him in the eye.

"Joan, put the Kindle down.  Put the Kindle down.  I liked it.  Needs some work, but overall I liked it.  And I understand now.""You understand what?"Whispering to me now, "More about you.  Why you are the way you are now.  What you went through.""You get it now?""I do.  And I love you.  No one should have to go through what you did."

And from that discussion, we became closer.  If that was possible.  He held me close, and we just stayed there like that for a few minutes.

I read the notes that he gave me.  Just what I expected from him.  Critical, but not bad criticism.  Constructive.  It seems I need a little bit more detail in the story, flesh out the timelines and story more.  When he got to the part where he came into my life, he had issues with the way that I wrote him.  It's more that a) I hadn't finished writing out our story yet, and b) my personal memories of how things went, versus how he remembered things.  A few things are correct, like when I asked him if he was my boyfriend.  I asked him while we were laying in bed, but when I wrote it, I put down that we were outside, and that it was after he asked me on our first date.  However, he believes that I asked him over that first time with the specific intention of sleeping with him that first time, when in actuality I was unsure up until the time that I actually made the first move.  I need to put that in there somehow, that I was unsure because I was afraid of losing my heart again.

Forgot to mention...

I forgot to mention a special moment that happened last Saturday while we having sex.  A moment that never happened before, and when I said the words I think I felt a little uneasy, thinking that he might not feel the same way.  So, I'm on top, doing my thing, asking him what I feel like and what I make him feel, etc.  When he asks me the same thing, I reply,

"You feel perfect.  Like, ... "
"... we were meant to be."
"Yeah."

So, yeah.  THAT happened.  And I know I truly meant it.  The moment being what it was, I think he meant it, too.  That really makes me feel a gooey inside, and glow-y.  Goes along with the "This may sound weird, but I can't imagine myself with anyone else" comment.  

Today he drifted out of sleep long enough to say he loves me.  I didn't really say anything, thinking that he wouldn't be too awake it to hear it anyways.  But then,

"Joan, I said, I love you."
"I love you, too."  kissing him lightly on his cheek before turning back to the computer.

 THE BOYFRIEND fell asleep early, after taking Trillian to the vet (fleas, ugh) and giving her medicine.  Around 12:30, so that should mean he will be up earlier today.  Yay!  Extra time to spend with him.

More musings

It's Sunday evening.  THE BOYFRIEND sleeps on the bed beside me as I write this.  Again, I'm going to wake him up for work in about an hour.  I need to get this done before he does.  Some things should remain private.  Although he does know about this blog, but I've never shown it to him before.  Don't think I will.  Ever.

So ... the result of our chat after he woke up Thursday.  He actually woke up at 8:20.  And stayed awake.  It wasn't really a chat.  Just more like cuddling and whisperings between the two of us.  He told me that I had nothing to worry about (and I stated here that it was more like a query than a worry), that he wasn't going anywhere.  And about the weekend, he asked if I wanted him to stay.

"Yeah, I would you to stay here with me.  However, if you do decide to go, I'm going to stay here."

I think that is what did it.  Next thing I know, he's talking to his mom and telling her that he won't be able to make it Friday.  He's going to be "asleep" all day.  Which he wasn't.  He waited until I got home to sleep.  And even then, it wasn't until 9 p.m.

Friday, as I was leaving work, I slipped and fell in the kitchen, in front of everybody.  Extremely embarrassing.  And I ended up being a gimp for a night.  I come home, hobbling up the stairs to the bedroom, my leg is all bruised up and sore.  THE BOYFRIEND went to the store to get me some ace bandages to bind my knee to keep it from swelling up overnight, and some pain relievers.  Guinness and Aleeve.  Magic happens with that combo.  So, 8:30 rolls around, I'm trying to get some sleep, but I'm also so fucking horny at this time.  I keep touching him all over, and kissing his skin as he laid next to me.  He was really trying hard not to get too much into it;  didn't know how to work with the knee.  We end up fucking.  It's totally doable, btw, having sex with a gimp knee.  And it totally works.  Just what I needed.  Don't know about him. ... Probably him too.  Been almost a week since we last had sex.  Anyways, we get to sleep and wake up around 5 a.m.  My foot has swelled up due the bandages being tight, but my knee is good and I can totally walk fine on it without the bandages or Aleeve.

Around 7 a.m. we go to Publix and get some breakfast stuff as well as other meals.  Made eggs, bacon, biscuits and sausage gravy, as well as the morning of one of the roommates.  She came down as we were making it, still bleary eyed from sleep, and needed advice.  {She had just broken up with her boyfriend, and he was trying to get back with her.  He is a good guy, and another musician like her.  However, he also needs to grow up, become a real adult in responsibilities not just age.}  Her situation just makes me appreciate what THE BOYFRIEND and I have together.  He is an adult because he knows that he has responsibilities.  I may do a lot for him, but he essentially does a lot for me.

Later that day we end up going out to get some drinks.  We're at The Tavern, where else, and he's playing pinball, what else, and also being really adoring and loving to me.  You know, not being shy of the public "I love you's" anymore, like he was in the beginning.  I don't know what prompted this; if it was the query that I had concerning our physical relationship or just because he's not afraid of it and what it means to our friends anymore.  Someone played "Sugar, Sugar" by The Archies, and he is just clapping and dancing along.  SOOOOOO hilarious and even more cute.

On our walk home, we're out in front of the college, he says to me,

"I don't know why a guy who doesn't beat on his woman is the best but whatever."
"It's not just that.  I've had others that didn't, and they just aren't anywhere close."
"So, what, I'm the best of the last?"
"No.  You're the best.  Ever."

A car comes around the corner and THE BOYFRIEND just yells at it,

"Fuck off.  I'm doing something here."

Really wasn't necessary, and he just as soon admits that, but hilarious just the same.  We're walking home and he has the fascination with walking behind me, to watch me walk.  I note this to him, and he just says,

"I like how you walk."
"Swaying my hips back and forth."
"Mmmmm-hmmm.  You've got a nice ass.  And I likes to look at it."

Yes, he and I are both drunk at the time.  By the time we get upstairs, ... yeah, you know what follows.  Adulations mixed with sex.  Like clockwork.  Like the only time we can be like this is when we are drunk together, both open and vulnerable with each other.  I remember, after having crashed down following his moment, I told him,

"This may sound weird, but I can't imagine myself with anyone else."
"That's not weird at all."

And then he passed out.  Seriously.  He's half off the bed, completely naked.  I turned off the light and tried to get him to move so I could fall asleep too.  Yeah, didn't happen.  Had to curl up on the part of the bed that he wasn't taking up.  Boy is heavy.

I think I spent the better part of today remembering the good times we've had together.  I've made headway on my graphic novel that I'm trying to write about my time with THE EX, and after it, you know getting back on track to being me again.  I think why I am so stuck on the ending is .... that I'm unsure how much THE BOYFRIEND is willing for me to reveal about us and our sex life.  I am waiting on him to read it, for constructive criticism.  I got a little impatient Saturday night.  And he told me that he waiting for time alone to read it, so I'm not hovering over him and getting all anxious while he does, because he knows that it is important to me.  What if he hates it?  Would I be willing to take his criticisms?  I think so.  I want it to be great.  I want it to stun.

Making it Bad?

No, I'm not worrying.  I was pondering something while I was on my way home yesterday, all last night, and while I was at work today.  Yeah, it sounds like worrying.  Really I was wondering if THE BOYFRIEND had to drive up to GA to visit with his family.  What I really wanted to do was be able to spend some quality alone time with him, since I barely get to anymore.  And out of that I realized that my reasoning had to do with the last good boyfriend that I had.  He broke up with me because we weren't having sex as much as he wanted.  Yeah, he admitted later that it was a jerk move, and we are friends.  But I brought up the quandry to THE BOYFRIEND while I spoke to him on my lunch break.  Went more like this:

"So, I was wondering if you want to go to GA this weekend.  I mean, Zach can leave and we could have the whole house to ourselves for a day."
"Yes, I want to go to GA."

At this point I was thinking "I just suggested we could spend the whole day with each other without roommates getting in the way, and he wants to go to GA."  So then I go into my explanation to the query.

"I would like to be able to spend the day with you alone, especially considering all the time that I get lately is 45 minutes or less when you are getting ready for work."
"..."
"What I'm getting at is I ... Oh gee, I hate saying this because now I feel like an idiot...  I'm just wondering if you are happy with our physical relationship."
"..."
"Do you get what I'm saying?"
"... I get what you are saying now.  And I don't think this is a conversation we should be having over the phone."
"Yes, I agree we should actually talk about this in person.  But that's my point.  When do we actually get time when you are not getting ready for work?"
"I know."

So this is when I brought up the quandry I previously put before myself.

"And I know that you don't have the time or necessarily the desire to look for someone else on the side.  I guess what I'm getting at here is that I don't want you to break up with me because we aren't as physical as you want."
"No, I'm not going to do that.  You shouldn't worry so much.  I wouldn't do that."
"I"m not necessarily worrying.  Just thinking.  Because you are so good to me and for me, and I am good to you and for you.  We work so well together.  I just don't want it to end because of something like that.  Because I have had that happen to me.  With a boyfriend who was good to me.  I.... I just want you to be happy." 

You know I put everything on the line to be with him, even after just spending barely two months with him.  I decided to stay here in town.  I decided to give up my TV career and look/train for something else so I can be with him.  The last thing that I need is for him to break up with me because we aren't having as much sex as he wants.  And I hope he realizes that.  I know he isn't good with subtlety.   But he damn well better realize that is what I'm getting at with this whole query.

"Get some sleep.  I gotta go back in from my break soon.  I love you.  We'll talk about this later."
"And I love you.  Go be productive." 

I go about my work, a stormy cloud hanging over my head (very visibly too.  My manager actually asked me if anything was wrong).  It's 7:30pm.  Waiting another hour before he's gotta wake up and maybe we'll talk.  But who knows.  His morning routine doesn't lend too much to talking.   And that's IF he wakes up at 8:45.  He might drag it out until 9 p.m.

How the weekend went

I'm starting a new position tomorrow.  A full-time position.  And as always when it comes to something new, I'm entirely nervous about it.  THE BOYFRIEND can tell that I am.  And he is wonderfully supportive of me and tries to get me to be more "optimistic" about everything that is changing for me.  Trying to cheer me up when my plans don't go the way that I want them to go.

Besides the new job, I'm also staying the night at my new place for the first time tonight.  Alone.  Well, the new roommate will be there.  But that just makes me more nervous. And I wish that THE BOYFRIEND could be there with me for the first time.  Somebody to make me feel more at ease.  But alas, he can't.  I gotta wake him up for work in half an hour.

Okay, so Friday.  I come home from work at 1:45 and he's asleep.  Been asleep since about 1 p.m.  Alright.  I let him sleep, until about 9 p.m.  when I'm dying to have attention from him.  It's Friday, I wanna go out and have some fun.  Or stay in and have some adult fun.  Whichever.  We go out, eat some cheesesteaks and then head to the Tavern.  At the Tavern, some dude apparently was trying to lay it on thick and "reel me in".  LOL  THE BOYFRIEND strolls up from his pinball game.  The guy looked at him, and asked,

"You two ... an item?"
"Uh huh!"

THE BOYFRIEND replied, smiling like he knows exactly what the guy was trying to do with me.  And about 5 minutes later, him and his friend end up leaving The Tavern and going somewhere else.  Guy wasn't my style anyways.  Just funny to see that actually happen.  I wonder if THE BOYFRIEND actually got jealous a little bit...

Before we left for cheesesteaks, I had about two beers.  Got all frisky with THE BOYFRIEND.  Sex was amazingly fast.  At The Tavern, I had one Guinness and a Washington Apple shot.  I was pretty lit by the time we left for the night.  Got back home, we got frisky again.  Again, amazingly quick.  Starting to be a pattern.  Although, I can't help it if I just feel so good to him that he can't help himself.  But he started worrying.  Worrying that I might have a problem with it being fast and all.  Must've been a combination of my past error (you know what I'm talking about) and the guy at the bar.  I only think that the guy at the bar was a factor because of the walk home.  He got all sweet and concerned that I was sure I was happy with him.  So after sex, I tried to get some sleep, since I had been awake much longer than he had.  And (this had never happened before) he cuddled up to me and held me as I fell off to slumberland.  Twice he did this.

Saturday.  We drive up to Jax to get the rest of the stuff I left there.  We carried my top mattress out to his truck, tie it down, tarp it down.  Get about 1 1/2 miles away before the tarp starts coming off.  I tell him to pull over so I can fasten it better.  Fucking tarp tears, and there is rain clouds overhead.  I am completely and utterly frustrated at this point.  Completely and utterly disappointed in myself.  THE BOYFRIEND tries his best to cheer me up, which I eventually do after Hamburger Helper, Mississippi Gary and Neil deGrasse Tyson.  (LOVE Neil deGrasse Tyson!)  By now, he's been up for almost 24 hours, so we go to lie down and get side tracked by amazing, AMAZING sex.  He falls asleep, then I do about an hour after he does.

Sunday.  We wake up about 4:30 a.m.  Fucking early.  I don't remember when, or why, but after we have been awake for a bit, he comes over to me and says,

"You were amazing last night."

I was so flabbergasted by this that I don't ask why.  I took it to mean our sex together.  But it could mean how well I dealt with all of the shit that I had to take to my confidence.  Outside earlier, I had mentioned to him,

"I hope that this new thing, this new job works out well for me."
"It will.  And soon you will get your new certification and be making a shit load of money."
"I don't know if I can do that.  If it is in me."
"Sure it is.  YOU have a much better head for technology than I do.   YOU went out and did all this, on your own.  You CAN do this.  I know you can."

It was at this moment, this moment when he declared his optimism in my skills, my ability, my ... self that I knew that I wanted to be with him.  For as long as our lives last.  Because he believes in me.  Because he considers himself to be the luckiest man on earth when he is with me.  Because I've found what everyone looks for.  Whether they believe it or not, they are.

6 months In

How to start describing how today went?  What do I begin with?  I woke up.  Went to work.  When it came time for my lunch break, I went back to THE BOYFRIEND's so I could see him for about 15 minutes instead of hanging out behind the office building.  I got only 5 minutes, if that.  Damn Bridge of Lions.  A fucking boat just HAD to come through when I wanted to be across it.  THE BOYFRIEND, having been stuck in traffic, came back sometime after that.  He told me that he wanted to get me something considering today is 6 months that we have been together.  I told him that he didn't have to, that I didn't really want anything.  Just him.  What I got was some sweet kisses and a flour handprint on my ass; he was cooking.  <3  MMMMMMM, chicken and cheesy rice.  Soooo good.

I got off work around 2:40; when I came in the house, I fully expected him to be asleep.  But he was waiting for me to get home.  Had a cigarette together, plus wonderful caresses and kisses.  Had sex, quick but not too bad, as I was on top.  I still love how he strokes my skin.  After, when we are still connected, I asked if he wanted me to get off of him.  He just smiled sweetly at me.  I said to him,

"I am so happy with you.  So happy to be your girlfriend.  I make you happy, right?"

He didn't answer me right away, because he was still in that after orgasm high.  His answer,

"Yes, to your question.  I am very happy with you, too." 

We (he) tried to get to sleep right after that, but he couldn't.  Had to wait for the medicine to kick in.   When it finally did, I packed up my stuff that was at his house and went out to the new digs to get more organized and put away.  Clothes are in, videos are in, books are in (except I'm missing some...), just need the desk and bed.  Well, the bed is probably going to THE BOYFRIEND's since we are currently on a twin mattress on the floor.  Love him to death, but this thing will be the death of me.  Besides, there's already a bed at the other place anyways.  Need another bookcase.  Or something.

Yours, So much in love.  <3

Complete Happiness Finally

Yesterday, THE BOYFRIEND came back from his trip home over the weekend.  It was wonderful seeing him again.  Yeah it was only three days, but I can't describe the feeling I got when I saw him again.  I practically sprinted down to his truck, and almost jumped into his arms.  But I didn't.  Instead I kissed him a few times and smiled so big at him.  He grabbed my ass, and said,

"That's it.  That's what I needed."

After getting back upstairs to his room, we tried to lay down to sleep.  Of course there was no way that was gonna happen.  Sex was quick, very quick.  In and out for him.  But it felt so good to have him there with me, in me again, that I didn't mind at all.  We laid there for a bit, not detached, just kissed and cuddled (which is hard to do when I'm on my stomach and he's behind me).  We told each other how much we loved each other and other such adulations.  I didn't notice while he was gone, but when we were together again, it really did feel like a piece of my puzzle was found and placed back where it belonged.  Has to be a good sign.

While he was gone, I went out a few times with some friends.  One of his housemates was showing her artwork and I went along for support.  I got really silly, and stuck my face in her tits.  No, I wasn't drunk, didn't have any alcohol until later that night.  But I was still very silly.  When the art show finally ran down, we all piled into one car and headed downtown for a drink.  At the Tavern, still silly, no drinky.  In fact, I even tried to kiss another housemate of his.  She's mormon so she was very uncomfortable with that, but passed it off very well.  I liked making her uncomfortable like that, so I did it a couple of times that night and this weekend also.  Just for fun.    Not gonna abuse the privilege.  We went to O'Malley's next.  THAT'S where I got drunk.  Two Guinesses.  I was a goner by the time I finally got someone to take me home.  Got back to the house around 2 a.m.  At that time, THE BOYFRIEND was up and wanted to FB chat.  So, I did.  Completely drunk off my ass.  He enjoyed that.

Saturday night, went out to a house party, didn't drink but ended up having another good reason to be thankful for my friends here in St. Augustine.  While bitching (yes, bitching.  There was a "bitch-wheel") about my current job, one of them had mentioned that he is looking for an assistant.  YAY!  I applied today (Monday) and most likely have the job.  It's at a kids "fun-zone" place, so I have to pass a background check.  No problems there.  I'm not a criminal, didn't do nasty things to children or get arrested for drugs.  Only problem, I have to find something to cover up my ink on my forearm.  Strict dress code about that.  Long sleeves then.  Possibly start next week!  Full-time gig repairing games.  Seems like something is finally falling more into place.  Granted I would like to have something MORE like THE BOYFRIEND's sched.  But we've dealt so far.

OH, OH.  Six months tomorrow.  Wow.  Went by so quickly.  But it feels like forever, almost.  Been through a helluvalot, but we got through it all.  And came out on the otherside complete.  Love's a funny thing.  I'm completely happy right now.

Difficult times, difficult decisions

Recently I've taken a blow to my income.  A serious one.  I still only work 14 hours per week at the repair shop here in St. Augustine.  And nothing else.  It is certainly devastating to try to live on such a small amount of income.  And lately, I have been trying to push the thought out of my mind that I am starting to resent THE BOYFRIEND, starting to blame him for MY job loss.  And I can't do that.  I can't do that to him, and I can't do that to myself.  I make my own "destiny", my own choices.  No one else.  But at the same time, ... I can't help but think those things.  It's been making my life difficult.  Tearing me apart essentially.

I've also been thinking that maybe he doesn't regard me in the same way that I regard him.  I know he works very hard, and is extremely stressed at the TV station (his boss is a complete dick ... I used to work with the guy, I know).  Maybe I'm just looking for things that aren't there.  Maybe I am just fearing something, or throwing my own negative thoughts out onto him.

I just need to get out of this slump.  Find a way to make my situation better.  I know he could care and miss me if I took a job in another city.  But maybe that is the only way I can better my situation.  Would he be supportive if I had such a chance?  Gotta try to find out.

Til then, Adieu.

Been a busy woman lately

Been way too busy to post lately.  Had to get a second job just to be able to make ends meet; this week is gonna be extremely tight as it is.  The computer repair work significantly reduced my hours and I had to go looking for another job in St. Augustine.

However, the days and hours that I spent with THE BOYFRIEND in between looking and working we wonderful. One small snag.  I've been moving slowly to St. Augustine, in between fixing my car and everything else that I had to do.  Friday, THE BOYFRIEND and I got a bunch of my stuff together, books, movies, etc.  He left them out on the back porch because he didn't have a key to get in.  When I got to St. Augustine, I went directly to his place and hung out and whatnot.  I asked him to come help me get my stuff inside the house.  At first, I said,

"Would you like to come with me?"
"Will you get mad if I don't?"
"I don't know.  I'll decide once I get there."
"Well, I am gonna be lazy."

I went to my car, took a look at all the stuff I had in it and decided that I did actually need his help.  Trekking back inside, I ask him for his help.

"Actually, I do want your help."
"Alright," he said kinda whiny.
"Let me finish my cigarette and I'll help you."
"Fine.  I'll go and you can meet me there."

 And ... I ended up doing it myself.  I actually kinda expected this to happen.  And got slightly pissed at him.  Two-three minutes after I got back to his house, that's when he decided to come help me.  I think he could tell that I was pissed at him.  He kept apologizing; and I finally explained that I kinda expected it, so I wasn't super pissed.  Kinda awkward for me after that; after that talk in Target.  But I got over it soon, and enjoyed the afternoon with him.  

Pretty damn awesome

Today on our way home, I was deep in thought.  Feeling all nostalgic about our time together and what it all has lead up to and whatnot.  And it all made me come to a complete revelation.  Right now, THE BOYFRIEND is the best person that I know.  Know personally, I should say.  I told him that as we were crashing down on his bed at 3:30 p.m., way beyond time for him to get to bed for his shift.  Leaning over him flat on his back, I bent down to kiss him and said in as sweetest whisper I could possibly muster,

"You are the best person that I know."

See, he is going to drop by my old living sitch and pick up some movies and books of mine.  He also, on Friday, didn't sleep/nap at all until 9 p.m (that's 25-ish hours).  All that time before then, he was calling AAA for a tow truck for my car (damn thing!), picking me up from work, and then driving to GA.   Yeah, he is pretty damn awesome.  I offered to drive, but he just said that he would let me know if he wanted me to drive.  For whatever reason, he just thanked me for "being awesome."  Yeah, I know; totally not needed.  I just went on kissing him, getting all hot an heavy like we usually do before going to sleep.  Really wanted him to ... know, to feel ... exactly how my heart beats for him.  Without saying those words exactly.  Geesh, that would be embarrassing.  Never hear the end of that.

On being slightly pissy

First week of the new job.  And already I like and hate it.  My boss just really doesn't know how to talk to people he doesn't know, know well or at all.  This is what he said to me, over the phone, Friday:

"So, I allow Cole to text because he works late and does a lot of extra stuff for me.  But otherwise, I don't allow it."
"Oh, yesterday I was texting because I was trying to find a ride home due to my car not working."
"Ok, alright.  Um, but I saw you.  See, um, I have cameras in the shop and I was watching you."
"Oh."
"Yeah, so don't do it."

All with this Peruvian accent, that makes him sound less like he knows what he is saying.  Also, I learned that I have a lot to learn.  And I really hate knowing/feeling like that.  It's like how I felt when I first started dating THE BOYFRIEND and he was talking about all this stuff that I really didn't know.  Yeah.

The plus side of all of this is that I am usually let go around 2:30/3p which means I can go back to the house and lay with THE BOYFRIEND as he is trying to go to bed.  Which usually ends up with me just getting him off so he can sleep, leaving me a very needy-feeling woman.  NO, I don't do anything about it.  It just sucks.

This weekend, we are at his sister's in GA.  He needed to get out of town for the weekend, get away from FL and the hell that is the station.  He had another bad week and just wanted to forget everything.  I went with him.  He thanked me for coming with him, although I still feel weird, like  I'm intruding upon their ... bond that they have.  Never really encountered a brother/sister thing like theirs before.  Maybe I have.  Just not really any my age, however.  Peas and Carrots I tell you.  And he asked if I wanted to come, not specifically for me to come.  Maybe that is his way of asking me to come with him, if I wanted to come.

This afternoon we wanted to get out the house, and because we are in Southern GA, there is practically nowhere to go.  Plus, THE BOYFRIEND really doesn't know how to get anywhere up here.  Seriously.  We drove for like 2 hours trying to find a Publix or a Target.  FINALLY found one after he gave in and called his sister for directions.  We also wanted to find a really good non-chain BBQ place.  We should've found one, we were in GA for chrissake's!  What we found was a cop bar that we didn't know was one until we entered the joint and sat down.  Awkward to say the least.

I was getting slightly pissy; I was hungry.  Can you blame me?  I hadn't eaten since breakfast this morning.  THE BOYFRIEND, however, thought I was angry at him because he didn't know where  he was going.  I really tried explaining that I wasn't angry at him.  I hope he gets that.  He probably does.

Whatever.  We are watching his sister's baby until the father gets home.

Words vs. Actions

Somebody said something to me last night that has really gotten me thinking today.  We were discussing marriage and the whole symbol behind it, whether or not it's a religious one or simply a politcal one or even just a spiritual symbol.  I blatantly said that I don't want to get married and that if I wanted to stay with someone my entire life, I don't need a marriage to have that right/privilege.  I personally don't need to prove my love and my fidelity to other people.  I agree the possibility of marriage should be equal for everybody.  THE BOYFRIEND and I agree on this issue.  And it isn't even about making sure that he (or I for that matter) stay true to one another.  Honestly, people cheat in relationships all the time and it's no less worse than if that person were married to someone.  But yes, I am a romantic.  A true romantic.  I want love and devotion and the knowledge that what I feel for somebody is returned to me.  I will do anything for my love, not to win it or to make sure I keep it.  To express my deepest emotions in some other way than in words.

“It's not what I do, but the way I do it. It's not what I say, but the way I say it.” - Mae West

Words mean nothing. Action is the only thing. Doing. That's the only thing. - Ernest Gaines

I learned those lessons a long time ago, and never shall I forget them.

However, today I was imagining what would happen if someday I do want to get married.  And not for legal ramifications either.  But for a commitment.  For something that my heart can grasp onto and know that love is waiting for me when I get home from work, or to know that someone will be beside me when I need it.  To smooth out my ruffled feathers when I get too overthinky.  And for me to be that somebody to someone.  I want that.  But do I need a marriage to have that?  I already do.  What other kind of commitment is there in life?  I'm not looking to have children, to  start a family, to settle down somewhere.  That was for my parents.  Not for me.  And I'm not even sure if I'll follow THE BOYFRIEND if he goes back to Ft. Lauderdale.  South Florida (or even Florida) really isn't me.  And he loves it down there.  Not that he has really gone many places like I have.

No, I'm not doubting or over-thinking.  I know what is, right now.  And that is what all I can be prepared for.  Not the distant future.  Right now, I'm not worried about my relationship.  I'm only worried about how many hours I'll be getting as a part-time computer repair person.  Gotta make ends meet.  THE BOYFRIEND and I have the same interests, overall goals out of life, the same feeling that our time together hasn't run out yet.  We work well together.  I can't deny that.  I push him when he needs to be pushed, and he smoothes me over.  He treats me like a human being and I don't treat him like he is a child that needs to be scolded.  Our other friends see what we have and that it is special and true.  Hell, I'm still pretty sure they saw it before we both did.

Enough waxing poetic and waning intelligence.  Time to finish folding the laundry.

Life with an overnight shifter

After that last post, I still couldn't get to sleep and THE BOYFRIEND was out cold with no wake in sight.  So I head over to a friend's house, stayed there for a few hours and enjoyed myself but still felt guilty that he wasn't there with me to enjoy everything that was happening.  When I got back, that was when he decided to wake up, just as I was wanting to go to sleep.  I took two benedryl and we watched Clueless until I apparently kicked him out so that I could fall asleep.  I don't remember that.  It probably happened.  Anyways, he was awake the entire rest of the night/morning.  I remember he even woke me up to have sex with me at some point.  Yes.  That did happen.  :)  And yes, I do think that is really fucking cute.

Another point in the morning, probably around 6:30 or 7 a.m., he went to go get donuts and coffee.  I wasn't going to go anywhere, so he asked me,

"Do you want me to bring you back some?  I'm not going to be a dick and not bring you back something."
"Well, I would do the same for you.  Not even ask.  Just to be thoughtful."
"Are you saying that I'm thoughtless?"  he said with a laugh.
"No, I'm not saying that at all.  That's just something I would do."
"I'm going to turn on the light." still smiling about the conversation.

So, I cover my head with a pillow, and he just giggles and tells me that I'm cute. (eye roll) He asks me what kind I want, I just draw a circle with a my hand.  What do you expect from me?  I'm 2/3 asleep.

"Ok, you want a circular donut.  Got it." giggling uncontrollably by now. 

I uncover my head just enough so that I can speak without it sounding like an incoherent mess and say,

"Glazed or chocolate frosted.  Really anything that isn't filled with something."

He goes, I fall asleep again, probably before he even left.  A few hours after I wake up, have a donut and coffee and then a shower, he is asleep again although I was in there for only 10 minutes max.  And that is where we stand now.  I started his laundry so that he could have clean clothes for work.  I want to launder the clothes I got Friday seeing that I got them from Salvation Army and who knows who tried them on before me.  Next load.

I'm still worried about my new job, well, really, this new life that I am starting tomorrow.  It's not debilitating, but I'm worried if I'll have enough money to be able to live off it.  Barely, but still live.  Gotta keep looking for a full time job that I'm gonna be able to live off of.  I just want it all to work out.

Why I love him

A big day awaits me.  Soon.  New job.  New place to live.  And the one thing that has been so constant in all this, THE BOYFRIEND.  It really is amazing how fantastic one person can be, that one person that makes everything so right and so possible.  I've flubbed.  And flubbed majorly.  But somehow he's forgiven me when I didn't think that he should.

Today, we went out for a round of mini-golf down at St. Augustine Bayfront, then cheese steaks.  Somehow we ended up at The Tavern where we had a couple round of beers each.  I was blitzed, yes, while he remained quite good.  At the tavern, while he was playing pinball for the second time, some chick saw me, smiled and waved, like she recognized me.  I just smiled back even though I had no idea in hell who she was.  I told THE BOYFRIEND what happened and all he said was,

"Aw, get it."  

I mean, really?  Sure, she was cute.  But, no.  Not gonna do that while I'm there with him.  That would be rude.  Or even if I was not with him.  Now, if he had said that he would be willing for a threesome, that would be a different thing.  When he was finished with pinball, he came up to me and asked me who the secret admirer was.  I just laughed and pointed her out.  HE recognized her, and promptly told me that she was a train wreck.  I'm sure I've met her before, just don't really remember it.  Whatever.  I finished my two beers and we leave after he finished.  We get home and of course we have sex.  Was there any doubt of the matter?  We drink, we have sex.  Natural course of action.

Quick change of subject.  I was much more aggressive when I came over this morning.  It was like, I'm here, let's have sex.  So in control, and having so much fun being in control.  I scratched up his arm and my tit pretty badly during it all.  Teasing him by just barely inserting him just a little bit and keeping it there.  He tried to force me all the way down, but I resisted.  LOVED the look on his face.

Back to the tale.

Afterwards, we are laying side by side in his bed and I get up the courage to ask him.  Ask him what he would think if I wanted to watch porn with him while we are fucking.  At this point I'm pretty lit and only kinda care (but I can still remember it) what I'm saying to him.  He of course doesn't mind.  Why would I think otherwise?  I know that I might feel jealous and even said so to him.  But I also said that I haven't felt jealous over him, which I like.  While we were kissing before sex (after the tavern) he looked down on me, ran his hands up and down my body and said to me,

"You are so hot."

I didn't reply, because saying that I didn't believe him would kinda be a mood killer.  But THAT is the reason why I don't feel jealous over him.  That is the reason why I thought just now that I wanna be with him for the rest of my life if I could.  If our lives do indeed happen that way.  I felt jealous over THE EX and also the-one-that-got-away.  I stayed in Jax when there was no other reason for me to stay here.  I busted my ass to get a job in order to stay here.  To stay with him.  I've done so much for him, not so that he would stay with me if I did, but because I do love him.  It's not puppy love.  It's not "I love you because we have great sex and only that."  It's in the way he looks at me, the way he touches me, the way he makes me feel so good inside, the way he smoothes me out when I get my feathers ruffled when I worry too much (especially that), the way we have arguments over Captain America and Joss Whedon and The Great Gatsby (I believe that was one of the books that I failed English with, not because I didn't get it, but b/c I didn't like it and refused to conform to the teacher), the way that I have to push him sometimes in order to wake up for work or go out and do something on our free day together, the way that he is so incredibly smart about so much but isn't a showoff.

Sometimes it takes people a long while to fall in love, sometimes it is instant.  I don't think ours was instant, but definitely quick and concise.  Not messy.  Not tempestuous, not like my relationship with THE EX.  It should, dare I say it, be considered one of the greatest loves of our life.  I know I will always regard it as such.  No, I'm not going to break into song.  That's Whitney Houston you're thinking of and the song was about loving oneself.  But what do I know?  We've been together only a few months.  Time will only tell.

The truth and the inconvenience

Good news is... I got a job.  Semi-bad news is ... Part-time, low, low pay with a possibility to get a higher pay depending on how well I am learning and doing.  But, it is a job.  No benefits, but probably lots and lots of hours (I hope), and house-calls are higher pay.  I'm so getting the pre-employment employment jitters.  Like the I hope that I am doing the right thing and this all works out well for me jitters.  And the now that I'm on different hours than THE BOYFRIEND and I wont be seeing him as much so I hope this won't fuck up our relationship jitters.  I don't think it will (the last part) because he is such a patient person and he loves me so much.  The sex won't be as often however.  But that changed since he got his own new hours.  I just can't wait to tell him!  He's fast asleep in his room.  I still have that I hope this is gonna work out well for me jitters.  This new career.  This new life that starts next week.  I don't know what's gonna happen and that is what scares me the most.  I don't know how it's all gonna work out.

So, today I'm trying to get THE BOYFRIEND to get some sleep finally.  He's all tired, but just not going to sleep.  I don't know how he is gonna fare when I start work and I'm not there to force him to put his computer down and sleep.  Well, I shut his laptop closed, he gets nekkid and I'm laying there next to him, arms wrapped around each other.  I said to him,

"I do know of one way that will get you to sleep." speaking, of course, of the knowledge that giving him a blow job puts him right to sleep.He snickers, "Well, I don't want to inconvenience you."
"And you would be inconveniencing me how?"
"Well, if I had to put someone's dick in my mouth just to get them to sleep that would be a bit of an inconvenience."
"No.  No inconvenience there."

So, yeah I did it, and he went right to sleep afterwards.  Like a baby.  So predictable.  And I wonder how a blow job would put HIM to sleep.  I mean, it's not like he's doing any work.  Must be all that pent up sexual ... whatevers that we all get.  Sure, I do know what it's like.  For example, this blog entry where I'm so fucking horny that I can't sleep but can't do anything about it because he's not going to go near me.  Men have it so easy with dicks.  Seriously.  Not having to worry about yeast or other bacterial infections, or even a big red week one week out the entire month, every month of the year.  I hope they (the straight men) appreciate what we do for them.

Yada Yada Yada.  Life moves on, so must I.  Toodles!

Work, Family, Love

There is one thing in this world that can really ruin somebody.  Stress.   Doesn't matter what is causing the stress: work, home, love.  It can really fuck somebody up.  Take THE BOYFRIEND.  A few weeks ago, I put stress on him by saying something really shitty, and there was no way that I could un-say it, even if I didn't mean it.  That fucked us up for a while.  And then when I think that he is finally over it, THE BOYFRIEND exhibits trouble keeping it up.  It could've been a combination of my err and work, or just work.  Either way, it was obvious that he was extremely stressed and the "issue" was not helping the matter either.

Friday rolls around, he gashes his head in (read the previous post for THAT traumatic event), I pass my test, we go see The Avengers and then finally fall asleep at his place.  Well, once we wake up and have sex, his family calls and keeps calling, basically demanding that he get down to Orlando for his cousin's college graduation party.  So, I came with; I didn't really want to be alone this weekend, plus my car gets better gas mileage.  His grandmother (the really demanding Italian woman from February) said she would pay for a tank of gas if he/we came.  And she did.  But overall that trip was miserable.  Nobody our age to hang out with; well, no one like us at least.  It was 30 years or more older, and 5 years or younger.  That was our choice.  What we really wanted to do was hang out at the tavern for a night.  But instead what we got was drunk and overbearing family, and what I got was some elderly man patting me on the ass before I actually met the guy.  So, yeah, he was stressed there too.  Not like we would've had sex, but it was definitely not a fun time for either of us.

And even though his previous girlfriends were all cool with his family, he somehow had the thought that I wouldn't be, because he kept saying thank you to me for being so patient.  But lordy, it's not like they're a bunch of crazies; just family that can be difficult, a lot of the time.  And, is it just me, or does that sound like not a compliment to me that he would think that?  I mean, granted I can be pretty stressed and worried  sometimes a lot but overall I just dont care enough to actually care.  Maybe he thought that because I didn't grow up in such an environment that I wouldn't be able to handle it.  Honestly, if I lived through 4 years of the db ex, I feel like I can handle anything.  Unless it has to do with the future, then I can't.

Sunday (today), when we got home, both got a shower since neither of us had a shower since saturday morning.  After the glorious shower, we had sex.  Amazing, hot sex that included collapsing into exhausted heaps on the bed afterwards.  We left for food and then Jacksonville since his truck was at my place.  I was extremely tired; so much that I was falling asleep while we were eating.  BUT instead of falling fast asleep when we got into bed, we had sex again.  Amazing, hot, glorious, exhausting sex.  When we finally could get control of our bodies again, THE BOYFRIEND exclaimed,

"I'm back!"
"It must've stress that was the problem."  

Looks like all the kinks have been worked out and I have my fabulous boyfriend back to the way we were.

Blood Everywhere

So, I'm pissed.  And I have a right to be, considering the situation.  No, THE BOYFRIEND didn't do anything wrong.  Although what happened affected him.  So, this week I've been studying hard all day and night, with only 2 hours to recoop that I gave myself each day.  Dishes in the house WEREN'T done, the place is fucking mess because the boys of the house decided that they weren't going to do shit, unless it included getting drunk every night, doing hits off a homemade gravity bong in the kitchen sink (which means that they KNEW that the dishes needed to be done, but they just moved them so they could get their high on), and going partying with their boyfriends.  And now, I'm on the verge of tears because all I wanted to do today after my test was relax with my boyfriend, go see a movie, have sex and get drunk.

So, today when THE BOYFRIEND came over after his shift, I asked him to help me since the boys were too lazy to do anything, ever.  Which he did try to help me while I concentrated on my studying.  He started to put the dishes away when he cut his head open on a cabinet door when he stood up from the dishwasher.  He yelled, came to my door with his hand on his head and blood pouring out of his head.  So, when we get the bleeding stopped, he passes out on me due to the blood loss and the fact that he hadn't eaten anything all day/night (however you want to put it).  Luckily, it wasn't a bad enough cut that he would need stitches, but he is gonna scar.  THE BOYFRIEND is fine now, sleeping on my bed finally.  I want to let him sleep, but I also know that he really wants to see The Avengers with me today, since it IS opening day and all.  I'm just gonna be worried about him until he gets a full night's sleep.

And now, I'm all pissed, stressed (even though I did pass my test, and am a certified Comptia A+ Tech).  We are totally off our groove again.  Like I said in my previous posts, he hasn't really been able to keep it up very well.  Wed he came over around like 4pm and tried to have sex, but he couldn't get it to stay hard.  Now, I'm really thinking that it IS me, that he IS still not over my spoken err from two weeks ago.  Finally he does cum, not for lack of trying.  Thursday was the only day when we actually had sex without any problems that I know of.  PLUS, we were actually going to relax this weekend and take time to BE with each other.  Who knows if THAT is actually gonna happen.  He wants me to get him up at 5 pm in order to see The Avengers, but he only fell asleep at 4 p.m.

Moral of today's adventure, don't help any one.  You are just gonna get blood everywhere.

Better, maybe

Alright, so after all that happened previously I think that things between THE BOYFRIEND and I haven't gotten back to normal.  Maybe.

Weird Happenings

Something weird happened just now.  Well, two things really.  First, instead of standing up to put on his boxers after waking up, THE BOYFRIEND put them on underneath the blanket.  Like he didn't want me to see him naked.  He has never been this shy before.  And second, as he was leaving to go to work and we are standing outside, he stopped and looked back at me as he wanted to say something.  But then (maybe) thought better of it and came to light my cig.  And normally I wouldn't really think twice about any of this, except maybe for the boxers incident, but because of my err last saturday I am thinking twice.

Is he gonna break up with me?

Is he thinking twice about how he feels about me?

Am I gonna loose the last good thing in my life because I didn't think twice?

Did I loose my job because of him, just to see that he wasn't what I thought (and ultimately loved) about him?

OH, mind!  Why can't you let things go?!  Why can't you filter before you speak?!

Human Error

Yesterday, THE BOYFRIEND and I made plans for today, to just do nothing except lay around, fuck off, etc.  Well, he came over after my class, and we go at it.  Chit chat, fall asleep watching Raiders of The Lost Arc (CLASSIC!).  When we wake up, I go make coffee for us and lie around for about an hour.  So then he starts touching me, caressing me and tries to make me wet, but I'm not getting there, for whatever reason, no matter what he does.  Not sure.  I go for the bottle of lube and start working on him, seems that he has gone soft while I was working on getting all lubed up.  So, I ask him,

"Do you not want to?"
"No, I do.  I just gotta pee."
"So why didn't you go pee?"
"Well, I didn't want to ruin the mood."
"You gotta pee, you gotta pee.  I know that you have to get your parts switched over and whatnot."

He goes and comes back, I'm laying on my stomach watching The Incredibles.  THE BOYFRIEND starts rubbing my back and my bum, obviously trying to get back the mood, which never was really "lost", it's just his prerogative that it was lost.  We start at it again, he finishes.  And we're lying there, him on top of me, when I stick my foot in my mouth again.

Getting the groove back

THE BOYFRIEND asked me for a cup of coffee this morning as I'm on top of him and, yeah, I'll get it for him but I want something first.  So, I kiss down his body, pull up his shirt and start nipping and kissing at his rib cage and pelvis line.

"Wait, this isn't coffee!"
"Yeah, I know."  

But I can't hold the laughter in and just crack up.  Busting out with a laughter that is loud and happy.  And I am happy.  THE BOYFRIEND just got a promotion.  It comes with a 2 year contract, which he is not so happy about, but at least he has a guaranteed job with a higher pay.

Once I finally got him coffee, we got down to business.  It wasn't fast or slow, although at first I thought that it was going to be slow due to the slow kissing and touching we engaged ourselves in.  It was definitely sweet and loving.  He got me off first with his hand, which is what I needed apparently.  After my round of anti-biotics, it hasn't worked the same.  I mean, I got extremely wet before at the thought of sex with him.  Now, only a dribble, which has made it not so enjoyable at first.  But after that, I went down on him, and throughly enjoyed it too.  I don't know too many women who enjoy giving head, but I certainly do.  As long as I'm gonna get something in return.  While I'm down on my knees, I look up at him over the rim of my glasses and I can see the pleasure that I'm giving him and it drives me on, giving more and more. But I got tired of that and wanted more.  I got up to get the condom, going on all fours to give him something to look at while I'm searching.  Nothing from him.  Not even a touch or spank.  What does a girl have to do to illicit a response from him?    Sex after that was the usual, really.  I was on the edge of the bed, legs splayed open while he stood up pants down to the ground.  I watched while he grasped himself and found his way deep inside me.  It was quick and quiet.  But highly enjoyable.  He got several orgasms out of me this morning.  We are finally getting back to our groove.  After two weeks of hardly any sex, and when we couldn't NOT have sex it was not all that enjoyable for me, ... HALLELUJAH!!

Yeah, of course I still long for the times we did have sex and it was mind-blowing.  But sometimes, all you need is just a little bit of something to keep you going.  I hope we aren't getting into a sex rut.  Where we just repeat a routine.  With his schedule it is hard to have days like that.  He had two days of vacation this past weekend, a Friday and a Monday.  Boy, I just could not sleep very soundly with him up all night.  Sunday, after being woken up and even kicking him out of the room, I had it and had two beers in 1 hour.  Yeah, I was drunk.  But hey, I got to sleep.  So whatevs.  I couldn't smoke out, still waiting for a job.

Back to the sex rut...

So this past weekend, we could finally have sex, and lots of it.   And well, we did.  It was enjoyable each time.  The only problem was that the majority of the time, we had to be quiet.  Poop.  The one time we got to have sex in an empty house, he only got to spank me twice (First world problems?!) before he came.  Grrr.  Need some spice in my life.  It's gots to wait until I get this class over with.